You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'No One Reads Your Blog' category.
One little boy was noted as having said “Gramma, I don’t want to eat this granola bar, it tastes stinky,”. Everyone had a good laugh at the little boy. But you know what? It turns out he was right, it did taste stinky.
There I was hiking on a trail, about 90 miles from anything. I was moving at a good clip, like a horse. And that’s when it happened. I stepped on a stick of wood. It snapped and I must have come down on my head cause i blacked out. When I woke up I couldn’t move but i was floppin’ around like a fish out of water. Then I saw ‘em. Eyes, surrounding me. You know what it was? Big Horn Sheep. Flesh eating Big Horn Sheep. And they moved in to cannibalize me. They ate me alive and that’s the only reason I’m still alive to tell about it.
A really cool job would be to get paid to tear down an old house with a light saber.
Some of my best childhood memories are family vactions. I especially liked the part when dad put me in a burlap sack and kicked me down a mountain.
The cool thing about removable limbs is that you could really freak someone out by switching an arm and a leg.
- Next time you see someone walking down the street with their neck craned forward, walking in a bit of a shuffle and flapping their arms intermittently, don’t laugh cause maybe they have a condition that makes them this way.
- They say “Your real character is who you are when no one is looking”. I guess I’m a booger pickin’, nude, nose hair pluckin’, wedgie pullin’ moron.
- Maybe the question shouldn’t be “The Chicken or the Egg?” but, did the first chicken have eggs for breakfast?
- Everyone always asks, “Why is the sky blue?”. I have always wondered “How does the sky stay up there?”
Jack Handy had some deep thoughts. I had some of my own thoughts:
If I ever become Mayor, I’m going to have the city begin paving a road to nowhere. By the time they figure out I duped them I will have made off with the keys to the city.
Next time you’re on a bike ride with your grandma, I think it would be funny to jam a stick in her spokes. No, that wouldn’t be funny. But it would be funny if she did it to you.
Think about, Aliens aren’t really that mysterious. Flying? We can do that. Going to other planets? So can we. Cutting our heads open and blasting out the brain matter with water or air? So can we!
GRAND JUNCTION, CO – Local resident Josh Anderson gives up a recent hobby of writing citing The Onion as his reason for quitting. “The thought of quitting came one day when I had a funny idea to write on. I was going to write a story called “Area Man Gives Up on Life: Cites Government Spies”, and then I realized, The Onion has probably already written the story somewhere,” he said. When asked whether is fears where founded on any hard evidence Anderson said, “No, I never really saw the article or really anything in The Onion resembling anything I’ve ever written…I just figured they probably already did it.” Anderson, will give up imme
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know I have some uncanny knowledge about terrestrials and their older wiser relatives, extraterrestrials. I have speculated the writings of many people who have seen UFOs, “aliens”, bigfoots, lockness monsters, boogy men, ghosts, vampires, mummies, frankensteins, greys, reptillians, excedrin. You may remember me begging them to lay eggs in my head. Well, it has finally happened, I was abducted.
It all began one day when I hit my head extremely hard. Although it hurt really bad I was good to go. Some kid saw some blood on me though and called an ambulance. I’m not sure if the kid was real. I do know that the “paramedics” (more like “paranormals”) were not human because they were so calm and efficient. Humans would have been panicking. The ambulance, which was more likely a “Q34 Morrayzip” or space-car, took me to their mothership. They rammed probes into my arms. The even put a probe in my [CENSORED].
Days and nights on their ship were all a blur to me because they euthanized me. They did countless tests on me and may even have taken a kidney. Once they gave me the cliche anal probe. The aliens didn’t speak English, rather they spoke directly to my occipital lobes which my mind translated to American.
There was one guy, looking remarkably human, who was like the main guy (like a main character in a movie). He told me there was a fracture in my spine (yeah right, so I wouldn’t wonder about the pain caused by the chip they implanted in my neck!) He said they would retain me and observe me.
Many days passed full of these “tests” and “observations”. One day, having had enough of this, I sprinted for the door. I went all over that mothership and could not find a way out! I did however see they had taken a BUNCH of other humans…hundreds.
Finally one day it was time for them to harvest my organs and then drop me in a farmer’s field with cows they had taken organs from (Remember, you must drink Organic milk and eat ORGANIC beef! The other stuff has had its organs stolen!!! Same with organic cheese and butter)
They wheeled me into a strange cold room on a rolling bed-like gurney. One of them must have punched me in the face, because I was knocked out for the entire procedure (also, I had a fat lip when I woke up)…don’t know what I did to piss him off.
When I woke up, they released me in a parking garage somewhere. When I got home I examined myself closely starting with my toes. I saw blood dots on my feet where their sharp fangs must have sucked my blood. There were more on my stomach and arms. When I got to my neck, a chill ran down my spine. There was an apparatus around my whole neck!! I took it off to see a bandage covering something. I ripped the bandage off to see stitches across a 2 or three inch slit!!! OMG I thought. They harvested something out of my neck!!! My mind raced to think of what they took!! My trachea? My esophagus? No….they took my voice box!!!!! I tried to talk and my voice sounded…normal…weird, somehow I can talk without it. I’m not sure why they put this thing on my neck, but I put it back on for fear that the incision will burst and expose my esophagus and trachea to open air which will cause them to dry out and shrivel up.
OK, well, that’s what happened to me. It’s unbelievable, I know – I was there. I plan on writing a book about it called Communion II:Revenge of the Greys. Look for it wherever great books are sold. And I will sign it too.
Wow politics are heated right now and it’s because of George W. Bush. It is W’s fault that, Gore lost in 2000, his oil companies caused global warming which caused minute temperature changes which led to hanging chads. Global Warming also caused Saddam Husein to make W think he had WMDs and W wanted to avenge his daddy so he paid some Arabs who hate the US to run planes into the twin towers destroying a large chunk of NYC. Afghanistan, and Iraq are W’s fault and it all made Cheney so nervous he shot his buddy in the face. And guess what, McPalin….er Palin…I mean McCain looks kinda like George Bush, and he’s a Republican and we don’t want anything resembling Bush, so we need CHANGE! Or Change we need! Plus if you vote for McCain you must feel a little racist because your missing the chance to elect our first black president. (In 2013 hopefully we can have our first Latino….actually scratch that, make that Native American, they’ve been waiting longer) Anyway, I heard there is a possibility of Jim Laden becoming secretary of state- so my campaign sign will read Obama Bidin Laden. So good luck Barrack Husein, try not to kill too many babies and everything will be OK, besides McCain will probably keel over before his 4 years is up….wait, that means….*gasp* first woman president! Ah crap! This is really about first black president vs. first woman president….how do we choose???
JUST KIDDING ABOUT ALL THIS HA HA!!!!
OK, now that you’ve read through all that mudslinging I know you are truely one of the faithful! That was all a front, just like politics is a front in real life!! That’s right, this is all as my friend put it “a horse & pony show” to keep us distracted from what really matters. Are you ready forthis? Reptillians, a race of extrterestials has infiltrated America and they are on the verge of a complete take over. There is now an estimated 9:1 ratio of reptillians to humans residing in the U.S. Look around you, if you in a group of 10 people, YOU are the only human!!! Be careful!!! Watch what you say. Disguise messages with political agendas, this has proven to throw them off your trail. Remember, look at their pupils first. If they are slits like a cat, REPTILLIAN!
My name is Yosh and I approve of this message.
Paid for by the comittee to re-elect George W. Bush
The founders of Punctuated Equilibrium Theory “Eldredge and Gould proposed that the degree of gradualism championed by Charles Darwin was virtually nonexistent in the fossil record, and that stasis dominates the history of most fossil species.” (Wikipedia)
Basically in earth words “There is is no evidence of evolution in the fossil record, therefore species ‘popped’ into existence every once in a while.” I TOLD YOU! Did I not propose ‘The Popping Theory’? Anyway, as with any theory, it is just a theory until you find or make objective proof. Yesterday I was on a hike in nature when it happened! A new species POPPED into existence! I heard a loud snap (as one would expect when new matter suddenly forces itself into time & space). Suddenly there was this small squirrel like creature with antlers skittering over the rocks. OK, I didn’t actually see the antlers, but I saw enough petrified bones laying around to easily assume they could be put together to build this animal. OK, none of this really happened, but I am hopeful. Punctuated Equilibrium is bound to happen anytime soon.
Can you do me a favor? If you see any unknown species of animal either just “popping” into existence or maybe showing up in a litter of puppies, please call me 270-9038. This will be big news, you will be famous.
This is where the hole is when you snort coke.
Recent Comments