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I have recently been confirmed in my assumption that I am an analyzer. I have always been introspective and a person who “thinks too much”. I see too many possible outcomes/answers to every situation and problem. This has a negative side as well as a positive.
It means I have a hard time being black & white on issues, it means I am indecisive. I think of the normal set of pros and cons, but then go on to examine “sub” pros and cons of those pros & cons. I fret over things that need not be worried about because I feel like I have good reason to be concerned.
The blessing is that in many situations, I feel like the analyzer experiences a depth in life most people are content to pass over. Where as most people are seeing & processing squares, I am taking on cubes. If the brain were like a computer, then my RAM would be more busy processing this extra information and slowing the computer down. But in the end, I feel I have a more deeply rooted, and more well thought out perception because of it. I’m just sayin’.
I think many times when something tragic happens in someone’s life there is this period where they have to face it all alone. There is the initial wave of the shock when the event happens where family & friends are there with you with jaws dropped and hands outstretched to help. But once you’re out of the hospital and it appears you’re OK, family and friends go back to normal life. I’m not saying this a bad thing, it has to happen sooner or later. But the person who went through the tragedy still may have physical set backs or at very least the memories of the event. It’s been one year since my Valentine’s day car wreck, and even Albina who was physically far worse than me, has healed physically. I can’t speak for her, but a year out and I still find myself from time to time trying to grasp what happened. The details, the feeling, the atmosphere, the music of that night are crystal clear to me. Often, at the strangest times I will start thinking of it again. In slow motions I can hear the impact of the van on my tailgate, feel my eyes clench as pebble sized pieces of glass shower us. I can feel the panic as the realization of what happened hits me and the first thing I think of is “Is she OK?” Why write about this? Why bring back the terror? I don’t know…it’s like a catharsis for me, an abreaction. I have a hard time sorting things out lately. Breaking my neck in October only compounded everything. I think about it all over and over. I think hard times make us stronger, but that’s only when you stand up again. I feel like I haven’t really had a chance to catch my breath. I try to look at the big picture, how does this look on the graph of my life? (It was only 4 years ago that a lady pulled out in front of me on Broadway and I T-Boned her totaling my truck-the same week my girlfriend broke up with me) How does this compare to the “average” life of people around me? Many times I fall victim to feeling sorry for myself which I hate. Have these things happened to me because I’m stupid? (No one else would pull over on the shoulder of the Interstate, no 29 year old climbs trees, etc.) I feel like bad luck follows me around (at White Out one of the guys in my cabin’s brother was killed in a car accident that Sunday, my co-counselor’s son got a concussion snowboarding and had/has amnesia) (Not just recently either, in college in one week my bike was stolen, my car’s alternator melted down and I burnt my foot on a cigarette butt) I try to think about ways to salvage good from it all. I want to convey the message that I still believe and trust in God through it all and if you had half paralyzed hands, you mom got cancer and your Grand Dad died all in the same few months, would you still hold on to your faith. But I feel like my shout is but a whisper and in the end I’m just bottling it all up. I don’t want to burden anyone with my troubles, you have enough of your own. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to do anything or say anything. What do I want? I just need some kind of outlet…something that matters. If one person got through their tough time because of what I went through it would feel like there was purpose to all of this. My ultimate catharsis would be influencing someone, changing a life directly because of what I went through. Can I get some good news? Anyone?
I’ve never seen a dead person before tonight. When I walked
toward room 408 I was thinking how painful it’d be to see Dad, Uncle Donnie and
Aunt Laurie possibly crying because their dad had died less than hour before. I
wasn’t thinking about how it would hit me. There was Granddad…or Granddad’s
body kind of looking like he was asleep but his mouth was open and his skin was
yellow. I stared a moment as the realization hit me: his eyes weren’t going to
come open, his chest would not rise, he would not move, not even a little bit.
He was frozen like a mannequin. What really rocked me was the incredible sense
that he was gone. Granddad was not there. My dad had said this about Smokey,
our family dog, when he died. I can’t explain it, it’s just this sense that is
entirely different than looking at a sleeping body.
I looked at his bushy eyebrows and remembered last Thursday as Wes and I stood
by his bedside trying to convince him to eat. “If you eat, you’ll regain
strength and then you can go to Florida and go fishing with Donnie,” I
told him. He said with his toothless gums “Yet, that’s what I gotta
do,” and leaned forward and finally took a sip of his shake. When Wes or I
said something funny he lifted his bushy eyebrows and his eyes smiled. This was
something I noticed him doing these past 2 years when he moved in with mom
& dad right after my step Grandma died. It seemed uncharacteristic of the
harsh Master Sargent he had been. Then again the weak man in the hospital bed
was nothing he was in Vietnam. Wes and I took his hands and prayed for him.
That was the last time I would see him alive and awake.
Saturday Wes and I went into to the Critical Care unit where he was back on the
breather as well as a feeding tube and million other wires, electrodes, IVs,
monitors, etc. Wes was asking the nurse about his personal belongings and made
mention of Granddad’s Vietnam Veteran hat. This got us talking about the man he
once was. Roland Andersson had come to the United States at 17 not knowing a
word of English. After almost being killed by being overworked on a farm he joined
the US Army. He had so many stories but he never talked about these things with
his family. He just barely began to open up to my mom these last two years and
told her stories that even my dad had never heard. Stuff like the fact that he
knew the real men that were being
portrayed as the main characters in We Were Soldiers.
One night Wes, Rebecca and I had dinner with him at
Applebees and we tried to get him to tell us stories while I recorded them on
my phone. Now he’s gone and so are the stories.
.. ……
When It Rains, It Pours
.. ……
It’s so weird how this happened the very same week that
mom’s test results cam back regarding the stomach problems she’s been having.
Mom called me up Tuesday night and said “I have some sad news, it’s
cancer,”. It’s one of those moments
when everything you were doing or thinking comes to a screeching halt. No, no,
no I thought. God, why? Hasn’t she had enough? Growing up and living life with
one arm wasn’t enough? Pancreatic cancer in 1984 wasn’t enough? More cancer in
88? Breast cancer in 1999? Hasn’t she dealt with enough? My mom is the
sweetest, most loving person on Earth, what has she done to deserve this? After
I said goodbye, I went for a long long walk. I prayed, I sorted things out. Wes
is out of a job right now in this crappy economy. God, what is going on? I
honestly didn’t think 2009 could be worse than 2008 was for me. I really wish
if I were going to break my neck, it wouldn’t be while all this is going on. My
family is drained. We are out of gas.
.. ……
Moving On
.. ……
Last night at Bible Study I remembered something I said
several months ago. Something along the lines of “I will always trust in God,
no matter how horrible things get. Granted, I’m saying that and I’ve never had
anything too terrible happen…” And then, as if my words caused it, I broke my
neck like a month later. And then all this happened. I believe this is
spiritual warfare and if I were to lose an ounce of faith because of my
circumstances, then the enemy would be winning. I challenge you, that if you
ever finding yourself losing faith because of bad things happening to you or
loved ones, then you have put your faith in the wrong thing. Consider this:
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth
comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18) Place your
faith, your TRUST in God. That no matter how confusing this situation is, His
plan is still being done. We might not ever understand what these situations
are about, but I trust Him.
Yesterday Dr. Clifford told me it was OK to take my neck brace off after 2 and a half months. After he walked out of the room I gathered my coat and hat with the brace in hand and went into the waiting room to call my ride. As I put my coat on the full realization hit me…for the first time in 2 and half months I could look left and right, up and down. I have my independence back, I can drive again! There should have been that music like the “fever breaking” moment in a movie. Like that point in the night when the darkest is finally over and the dawn breaks.
Do you ever get struck by profound little moments in a movie that stick with you for a long time. And that situation…or the essence of that situation pops up in your mind as a perfect illustration for a situation in your own life?
At the end of American Gangster (stop reading if you haven’t seen it) Frank Lucas (Denzel Washington) walks out of jail after 15 years to the song “Can’t Truss It” by Public Enemy. The year is 1991, he is “significantly older and out of place”.
This was how I felt last night.
I got into my truck and drove out of my neighborhood for the first time since October 19th. I picked up my brother and had to get gas. Of course I had been watching the gas prices for months – but the last time I filled up it was over $4 a gallon. As my receipt printed out I read the total $20. I absolutely couldn’t believe it! Had I actually filled up my whole tank? OK, so Frank Lucas’ situation was much more dramatic…but you get the idea 
“There are so many more cars on the road,” Grandpa had said
His words like pearls cast before swine
For the world we knew was normal and we looked not ahead
Until we had our own children we didn’t see the incline
First it was the major cities where autos were said to be dead
Then even desolate highways where walking was faster & more streamline
“There are so many more people in the street,” our great great grand kids had said
Their words suffocated by people who moved like bovine
For the people of their time knew no thinner population of biped
And soon even the shoulder to shoulder every day was fine
Then came that fateful day, Charles’ world reached it’s height instead
All of civilization on the planet became gridlocked from shoreline to shoreline
Without any guidance, no master plan, evolution simply spread
Society found itself left hanging with no escape, no design
The End
The planet takes another spin around the sun and from our perspective the sun rolls from the eastern horizon to the western. And it’s under this sun that our lives are played out. Each year more of our innocence is worn off a little more; we know more pain, more struggles. Our nieve hope of a happy carefree life is extinguished as we are faced with more trials, even when we have tried to live right and avoid the consequences of wrong choices. This year was such for me.
Things got off to a bang with Rachel’s annual Black & White & Bling party when Albina and I hung out talking long after the last friend left. It was only 12 days later when I asked her out to sushi at no Coast. It was nice to have “someone” on my birthday.
I sacrificed snowboarding with my “homies” to go with Albina several times.
In mid January 3 van loads of us young adults headed out to Los Angeles to Passion 2008.
In early February my Thursday night Bible Study began collecting money for a Blood:Water Mission Well and will finish out this year with less than $600 to go!
On Valentine’s day I was going to treat my first real valentine to a surprise dinner in Glenwood when we pulled over on I70 and were rear ended by a guy who fell asleep at the wheel. My Honda was totalled, Albina’s right was shattered and it was most of the year before things were even close to normal again.
In March I went to Ensenada Mexico again to build a home for a family who’s home burned down.
In April my friend Jamin helped me go to Denver and find my Toyota Tacoma to replace my Honda.
In April I participated in Sharefest by designing a mural that our high school youth group helped me paint down in Riverside.
In late April early May I went to Cancun with Albina. First vacation with a girlfriend – oooo scandalous!
As soon as we got back from Cancun we had a Mobster/Mafia themed party for Daniel & Rachel’s birthdays.
Albina and I went hiking and biking a lot.
In May Albina, her sisters and I went to Maroon Bells.
In June we had the first annual Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle gun shoot.
In July I took Albina to Rifle Falls for our 6 month
Went to a Superchick, Disciple, KJ52 concert.
In July I bought my motorcycle
Rode over the Monument with Aric & Wes on our motorcycles.
Sometime in the summer Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle released Hits From the Future and soon after, the Greatest Hits album.
In August I went up to Land’s End with Albina and her mom.
In August my Thursday night Bible Study peoples and I went camping near Moab and hiked up to Delicate Arch. After that we cooled off in the river.
Saw Josh McDowell with Jeremy Riddle at the Avalon.
Went camping with Chad, Lawrence, Josie, Stevo & TJ up near Rifle Falls.
In September I hike a ton of trails on the Monument that I hadn’t done yet.
In September after Liz’s going away party we all loaded up in a car and drove out to Palisade where we took turns milking Stevo’s goats.
My dad gave me his Winchester 92 Classic 3030.
Played a little paintball (even less than last year)
I rode a camel at Fruita Fall Fest.
One weekend in September my Bible Study people and I hiked near the petroglyphs, watched the air show (from outside of it) and went up on the Mesa for Color Sunday.
In October I was innocently monkeying around in a tree in our backyard when a branch snapped. I fell over 10 feet straight on my head breaking a facet in my cervical spine. The nerves pinched not only caused the most pain I have ever felt, but immobilized my fingers.
Dressed as a bull rider for Halloween to accommodate my neck brace.
In November I had my first surgery, an anterior cervical fusion.
In November my old friend Aaron, who is a film writer and director called me up and had me & my brother in a scene of the low budget art film he’s working on. Later he had me come and help with editing.
In December I went to Lawrence’s annual wine party but coudn’t have any wine due to all the narcotics I’m on.
Went to the second annual Ugly Sweater Party at Nate’s where Daniel won with his teal Grandma sweater.
And we finished off the year with Rachel’s 4th Annual Black & White & Bling New Year’s Eve Party!
Where did you begin 2008?
My house for Rachel’s 3rd annual Black & White & Bling party.
What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
For the first time ever, hooked up!
Were you in school (anytime this year)?
nope. haven’t been fer a while
Did you have to go to the hospital?
I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital so much since mom’s cancer. I was in wreck on Valentine’’s Day and went to the Rifle ER, I visited Albina everyday when she was hospitalized from the wreck, I dated a doctor (Albina) and visited/had lunch with her at the hospital many times, then I broke my neck in October and was hospitalized for the first time in my life (a week and a half)
Did you have any encounters with the police?
The officer handling my February wreck.
Where did you go on vacation?
In March I went to Ensenada, Mexico with CVVC to build a house for people whose burnt down.
In April/May I went to Cancun with Albina.
What did you purchase that was over $500?
A Toyota Tacoma after losing my Honda Passport in the wreck.
Did you know anybody who got married?
Curt and Hannah Lincoln, Ari and her husband, Jennifer & her husband
Did you know anybody who passed away?
Actually this year everyone stayed alive!
Did you move anywhere?
No. I hate moving.
What sporting events did you attend?
none
What concerts/shows did you go to?
David Crowder
Matt Redmond
Superchick/Disciple/KJ52
Jeremy Riddle
Where do you live now?
Same place
Describe your birthday?
I think I went out to eat…I can’t remember…I celebrated with Wes between our birthdays at Chilis….
What’s the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2008?
Go on vacation with a girlfriend
Be in an Aaron Sheley movie
What has/have been your favorite moment(s)?
The good parts of Albina & I’s relationship, getting/riding my motorcycle, going to The Passion in L.A., watching as the people in my Bible study have raised nearly the $3000 needed to build a Blood:Water Mission Well in Africa, building a house in Mexico, going to the Gulf with pretty girl, hiking on the monument…
What’s something you learned about yourself?
I still can’t make a relationship work.
Any new additions to your family?
no.
What was your best month?
Too hard to choose one month.
What music will you remember 2008 by?
Hmmm maybe One Republic’s Stop & Stare.
The theme to Sanford & Son because it’s been my ringtone throughout my recent hospitalization & recovery.
Who has been your best drinking buddy?
I’ve all but quit drinking…who needs it?
Made new friends?
Jamin Teide
Lorne & Shayna
Albina’s sisters
Several people who have come to my Bible study (although many of you I think I actually met last year)
Favorite Night[s] out?
Any regrets?
not being more careful in that tree
that things didn’t work out with Albina
What do you want to change in 2009?
I would like to stay out of the ER!
Overall, how would you rate this year from 1 to 10?
The positive and the negative equal out – 5
What would you change about 2008?
I would have pulled into Rifle for Albina to get ice for her burn instead of the shoulder on I70
I would have went shooting with Stevo on October 19th
Other than home, where did you spend most of your time?
Albina’s condo
The Monument
have any life changes in 2008?
Learned a ton about relationships
Had 3 vertebrae fused together
Change your hairstyle?
pretty much kept the NO hair look ha ha
I did have a HUGE beard in January
Get a new job?
Nope, still at CVVC
How old did you turn this year?
29….aww goodbye 20’s 
Do you have a New Year’s resolution?
Not really…maybe stay out of trees this year
Did anything embarrassing?
Fell out of a tree
Buy anything new from eBay?
No, but a lot from Amazon
What was/were your favorite purchase[s]?
Motorcycle
Get married or divorced?
still a no, although my friend got divorced, sucks
Get arrested?
nope
Be honest – did you watch American Idol?
Nope. I freaking HATE reality TV and anything like it!
Did you get sick this year?
Beside narcotic withdrawal? Maybe just a cold.
Start a new hobby?
Yeah, riding my motorcycle
Been snowboarding?
In the beginning yes…looks like I’m screwed for this season though…
Are you happy to see 2008 go?
Time is too valuable to be happy at its passing.
Drank Starbucks in 2008?
Oh my gosh, can we measure it in gallons?
Been naughty or nice?
Hmmm, I guess it depends on your definition…was naughty to a point
What are you wishing for in 2009?
Maybe a turn for some better luck? Not happy to be heading out of my 20’s in a neck brace and still single…so that’s my wish.
Look out your window and you see the world before you. A hard tangible world that you can touch, feel, know. You are thinking, processing and drawing conclusions. Very few people debate reality, and the ones who do, have to explain away their own conscience, the very fact that they say reality is but a dream.
All this got here one way or another. Random chance? Or maybe this moving process of the universe from the beginning to now, evolution or whatever…maybe it is intelligent…maybe we can call it God. I have a higher intelligence than a bear, a fish or even a dolphin, and so it’s not hard to imagine an intelligence higher than me. I understand the difference between 2 and 3 dimensions, the ape does not. Therefore, I can easily believe in a Creator that understands the 8th, 9th, 80th dimension.
* * * *
Turn on your TV, open your newspaper, and you see brokenness, hurt, pain, destruction. Maybe by giving us free choice, God had to allow the wrong choice. People are murdering others as I speak. Suicide bombers exploding, people chanting their hate of another people, someone is being tortured by having their nails ripped off with pliers, a little girl in Uganda is raising her brothers and sisters because both her parents and all of her grandparents are dead from aids, someone’s sister just got raped by someone she thought she trusted, someone’s sweet grandmother was robbed of everything she owned, and on and on and on. Where is God in all of this? Who is going to see to it that the thieves, murderers and rapers get punished?
Maybe God had a plan. Maybe He kept a delicate balance of free choice, while at the very same time invading the natural world to fix everything. Maybe He gritted His teeth and did what He knew had to be done. Maybe He came into the human race so that He could grow up and show us that it could be done. We can love everyone while holding on to truth, making a living and being humble. We can hang out with the dirtiest, the most hate filled, the murderous without becoming one of them.
‘God, you don’t understand, this hurts” you say. ‘Yes…I do’ He says back. ‘God, I’ve been humiliated by everyone, I’ve been beaten, people hate me…you just don’t understand.” From Jesus Christ’s bloody face he manages to say ‘Yes, I do.” as He, being the Son of the Creator stepped down from the highest place to not only walk on our territory, but experience the worst kind of rejection and hatred our humans have to offer. ‘Why are you doing this, Son of God?’ you ask. And He says back “I make all things new. I love you and want you back”
* * *
I’ve gotten to the point where I really don’t like Christmas anymore. I hate the cold short days and driving on ice and snow pack. I hate all the red and green things they sell everywhere. I’m sick of all the old classic Christmas songs. I’m not a kid anymore and so the allure of getting and opening gifts has gone, especially when I open obligatory presents that are things I neither need nor want. What is Christmas and why do we have do go through it every year?
I find when I get into that mindset, I need to screw up my thinking, shake it all up and look at this all way different. Cleanse my mind of Santa, Christmas trees, stockings, colored lights, reindeer, jingle bells and start out with a blank slate.
As a Christian I celebrate Christmas for the birth of a Jew 2000 years ago that I believe was God incarnate coming to live His life and reconcile this whole mess. So what the heck does a tree, Christmas carols (like Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer), elves, wrapping paper, bows, cookies and eggnog have to do with this? I need, I MUST think about what the birth of Christ was, what it means to me and every person who lived and will live. Christ, the Messiah, the Savior, was born as prophesied as the most important step in God’s plan to redeem us. We all, given free choice chose wrong and now He’s mid plan in fixing that.
No one knows how much of humanity, this world, or time itself is left. But when I get my head right about this, it’s an exciting time. It’s time time to party because the King’s plan is motion and we’re all a part of this story. Hope this in some way helped you to get the right mindset too.
Inspiration flickers to life as a tiny candle flame against the seemingly unconquerable coldness of dark winter; inspiration in me that has been smothered beneath energy draining nerve pain in my arms and hands. I never realized how much your productivity hinges on your physical health until this fall and winter. But once I begin feeling the effects of pain killing narcotics, once I am comfortable without being drowsy, it only takes the right kind of music to restart the creative juices.
Then again, its not long before the song is over or my medication wears off and like the slightest breeze, circumstances extinguish them flame.
Here’s a new concept: Jealousy of Self (at least it is for me).
Weird…I never thought I would look at pictures of myself and be jealous of the guy in the photo. I clicked through the photos of this last year in the My Pictures folder on computer; I could have told you I had a pretty active year. I could have told you I did some fun things this year, things I will remember forever with a smile. I could have told you I had some hard times this year, I mean, how many people see the ER from a gurney twice in one year?
What I never would have guessed was this weird feeling of looking at myself as a separate guy, a guy who was pretty cool and had a lot going for him. I guess maybe this is all explained by the adage that “Everyone has 20/20 hindsight“. I look at pictures and remember the things going through my head. Back then I had this silly nagging feeling that I was oil and everyone else was water, that even though things were pretty good in life, I still seemed to lack the strength to propel myself into a better career with more money, into a working relationship or to be able leave this town to “broaden my horizons”.
I look at those pictures and remember those thoughts, but cannot believe I felt that way. Why didn’t I concentrate on all I had going for me? I would give just about anything to be restored to where I was then. I was fairly strong (or at least average), now I barely have the strength to turn a key to get into my house and would not be able to even begin 1 push-up. I was driving a sweet pick-up and a motorcycle, now I am forbidden to drive and rely on friends to take me anywhere. I was reading books, now I can’t look down enough to see the page and don’t have the strength to hold the book open for any amount of time. I was regularly hiking and running, now I sit on my butt all day everyday. I had muscle mass built up from high school and now atrophy seems to have robbed me (I have lost about 15 lbs. through all this) I had strong hands that I enjoyed using to work, to build, to paint, to draw, to play guitar and drums, now my fingers hang limply giving me a handicapped look (well I guess technically I am handicapped right now). I was teaching myself to type correctly right before all this, now I’m reverted to the most rudimentary “hunt and pecking”.
I really should look at this truthfully though. In a couple months I won’t be in this “Miami J” neck brace anymore. One day, many months from now, maybe a year or more, I will regain the extension in my fingers. I will need to purposefully regain my muscle mass but it will come back. I will draw again, mark my words. I have a lot to be thankful for, this accident could have – no should have – been far worse. People have fallen from lesser heights, have hit their head with less force and have ended up para- or even quadriplegic. It scares me to death to think of how close I was to that. I am extremely blessed that I will be able to return to normal! Thank you God!!
I am so happy about that. It’s like waking up from a nightmare and finding that your friends are still alive, your dog wasn’t run over, you hadn’t gone to class in your underwear! It’s like It’s a Wonderful Life where you find out that life isn’t really that bad. It’s a new day and you get to be you!
So now I look at all of this as an incredible learning experience. I now know what it’s like for my friend who has deformed hands, a little of what it has been like for my mom with one arm, or what its like for my friend who has to have people drive her anywhere she wants to go. I know what its like to “sit on the sidelines” with saddening jealousy as my buddies play paintball or will soon go snowboarding. This has been an extremely humbling experience. I look at handicapped people in a whole new light. Not an us and them mentality, but actually seeing them eye to eye – that we’re in the same boat together. I always tried to be understanding of them and even feeling really really sorry for them, but right now I am one of them. But I hope even after I’m normal again, that I will keep my new viewpoint. I hope I will cherish the everyday normal things as much as I miss them right now: reaching into my pocket to grab a cell phone or keys, typing, turning keys, reading books, drawing, buttoning my pants, brushing my teeth without the brush sliding down in my hand, etc.etc. I suppose God wants to take advantage of the situation this fallen world has put me in and use it to uplift others! Isn’t He tricky like that?
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