Sorry Vegetarians: A Treatise on Non-Vegtable Animals

[Originally posted by Yosh at No One Reads Your Blog, a blog collaboration by the members of the band Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle]


I keep wondering what it would be like if I were painted blue by hostile men who wanted to chop my head off and kick it down the stairs but gave me a chance to get away. If they let me run but decided to use me as target practice as I tried to get away and then chased me into the jungle-what it be like? I think I would be really pissed at them for shooting arrows at me and then I would find the part of the jungle I was familiar with and then those suckers would be in for it. It is morals like this we can gain from watching movies. I know, I know, there are reasons to to not watch movies also, like goriness. Gory scenes can make you feel queezy and then play through your head over and over not being pleasant. I doubt it really happens much, but seeing an Aztec rip the still beating heart out of a guy’s chest might actually make someone want to do it too. I was feeling kind of tempted to build a gory pig trap in my backyard after the movie. It would have some sort of bait on it and when the pig crossed the trigger mechanism-WHAMO! Big spikes would impale the pig and I’d have dinner for months. I would make bacon, ham and even hotdogs. They would be pork hotdogs cause a pig is not beef. I like beef hotdogs the best though, so maybe I would have to lure a horse in the trap. I know– horse is not beef either, but you know a beef animal is sure to be around a horse and the horse would lead him to the trap. Then we could make hamburger patties. Man, you can get quite a few burgers out of one cow. I might even open my own little Mc Donald’s with a sign saying “All Fresh Beef” and I could prove it by shooting the cow right in front of the family ordering. I think I would open the place right in my neighborhood, the family friendly neighborhood burger joint. Meat is good for you but you should only have as much as the size of your hand everyday. Some people think meat is bad, how can it be? We’re made of meat and we’re not bad.


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