2008 Resolutions

[Originally posted by Yosh at No One Reads Your Blog, a blog collaboration by the members of the band Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle]


Well….I’ve decided since you’re not reading this I might as well get personal and post my new year’s resolutions. There are quite a few as I was a screw up this year:

I resolve to:

1. To become a better listener (to aide in this I will buy hearing aides. I know I don’t need them, but they will aide me)

2. To get stronger bodywise. I will carry large pails of water up long flights of stairs. I will pick up heavy things whenever I think about it (for instance, if I’m standing by the fridge I will do some reps by lifting it off the floor-maybe…I might not be able to because it is extremely heavy) I will do door-frame chin-ups. I will do jumping jacks while waiting for things (in the elevator or in line at the post office)

3. To get stronger brainwise. I will read while doing jumping jacks. I will read whatever I can, newspapers, dictionary, encyclopedias, Bibles, magazines, phonebooks, travel brochures, billboards, license plates, informational signs (IN, OUT, MEN, WOMEN, STOP, YEILD), the CNN ticker, the internet, mass mailings, reader boards, credit card applications, dossiers, milk cartons, text messages and receipts. Oh and a book.

4. I will laugh more. This will include seeing more comedies as well as “laugh inducing”-such things as tickling myself, telling myself jokes, forcing myself to laugh at nothing, witnessing sight gags, looking for misspelled reader boards, observing people do stupid things like slipping on ice and cracking their head, putting a rubber band around a dog’s snout and watch him try to get it off, stare at people, inhale Nitrous Oxide, etc.

5. I will be nicer to people. I will let people into my lane in traffic, even if they don’t wave “thank you”. Help an old lady across the street. Sell boyscout cookies (or girl if they’re out). I will do a kid’s homework and try to get a good grade. I will shovel the snow of one person’s driveway for a maximum of $10. I will give the hobo’s money for beer.

6. I will try to cook something new next year. Maybe a Kish Cake. Or I wonder what it will taste like to bake stawberries.

7. I will take time out to write “that novel”. It will probably be an autobiography about my own life. It will start out when I was born and how I grew into a young boy. I liked to dig holes in the back yard, yada yada. I will write every chance I am not doing jumping jacks or reading. This means lap top everywhere! If you see me with my lap top don’t bother me as I am writing my novel. Unless you can remind me of something that happened to me in my life. Then come on over and tell me.

8. I WILL travel more. I will plan trips to places I have never been such as South Carolina, Asia, the Eifle Tower (the one in Paris), Huntertown Indiana, the moon (if I can score a ride), 39°34′29″N, 75°35′37″W, The Savings Bank Museum in Southwest Scotland.

9. Have more dreams. This may be hard to make happen but maybe eating pizza at midnight will help. I will study R.E.M. sleep and how to make it happen. I hope to have fun flying dreams.

10. Become famous. I don’t know what this looks like as 2008 is still weeks away, but I will either be an up and coming actor in Hollywood, a rising Rock Star in a band called Tweep, a famous neuro-sugeon or possbibly the inventor of something. Or maybe I will just shoot for the Ginus Book of World Records-maybe world’s coolest made up accent? I don’t we’ll see. Well, I’m out, but I will see you 2008! Until then, let’s make peace here in 2007! Peace out!

“Elsie, how the hell did you get up there?”

One thought on “2008 Resolutions

  1. Some suggestions from UberC:

    2. “To get stronger bodywise.”
    I can make an 80s slow motion montage of the process if you want. It will be good motivation for you.

    3. “To get stronger brainwise.”
    Close your eyes and watch a tennis game in your head. It’s a great brain workout. Or, do what I do to mentally exercise my dog- get an empty granola bar box, fill it with treats, wrap it up tightly with duct tape, and see how long it takes you to get to the treats.

    5. “I will be nicer to people.” Malachi is nice.

    6. “I will try to cook something new next year.” Why not try perogies?

    7. I will take time out to write “that novel”. No One Reads Your Novel. That should be the title.

    8. “I WILL travel more…The Savings Bank Museum in Southwest Scotland.” I’ve been there and I don’t recomment it. It smells like cheese and soggy noodles.

    9. “Have more dreams.” Listen to ya-NI before bed.


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