[Originally posted by Yosh at No One Reads Your Blog, a blog collaboration by the members of the band Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle]
So I just read the news about the US shooting down its own spy satellite. Now, I’m not one of those goofy hair-brained conspiracy theorists, but this event smells to high heavens of a conspiracy. First of all, how the hell does our technologically advanced government lose control of several million dollar top secret satellite? Second of all, if they did why can’t they send a bomb to first attach itself and THEN detonate? Or a robot to dismantle it or just fly it back to earth? Oh wait-I just got a word from or producer-the satellite’s tape deck got stock playing White Lion on a continuous loop and was broadcasting it to every radio station on earth. Apparently Japan was the only country that didn’t vote to blow it up.
So there was definitely a conspiracy going on. I used my brain power and inductive reasoning to realize that this satellite was being used to make Elmo dolls say “Kill James” or “Kill ___” whomever. Think of it! Using Elmo dolls to tell kids to kill whomever needed to die. Using this satellite they built an army of kids to do their bidding. This is definitely the best way to defeat the Illumanati of Reptillian and Chicken people. (I say chicken, but they could just as much be goose, turkey or any type of bird as noted by their “goosebumps” on their skin-especially when they are cold)
You Grand Junctionites know one of their prominent people as well as I do-we call him “Bird Man” and he is often seen on Grand Ave. throwing bird seed out to his less evolved people. I have been hoping for our police or someone to monitor him, but it looks like I will need to do it myself. It won’t take long for him to lead us to the Turkey People’s secret lair here in Junction (the main one being under DIA in Denver).
I’m willin’ to betcha it’s under the Alpine Bank. They like to use conspicuous buildings because the best place to hide something is in plain site. Also I have heard a “turkey gobble” once when walking by the Alpine Bank. Keep your ears open for this. Also look out for triangle shaped objects flying in the sky, particularly around that bank.
- Eat chicken noodle soup
- Bath in broth
- Wear “hush puppies” in order to sneak up on them
- Identify them and mark them so we all know who they are (post it notes work well)
- Pay attention to people who spend too much time in the bird isle at the pet store
- Sometime if you make the sound of a prop plane around them it will scare them
- Keep the heat low in your house – the colder the better so as to remind them of a freezer
- Celebrate Thanksgiving-they HATE this day as we gather with families and eat their people
- Support the airlines (this pisses off the bird people because humans have learned to fly)
- Get a cat as a pet (they love to eat birds)