[Originally posted by Yosh at No One Reads Your Blog, a blog collaboration by the members of the band Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle]
Today’s blog is not really for humans to read (but if you do, that’s cool.) This is addressed to you beings from other planets, greys, aliens, extra terrestrials, or some even call you “Little Green Men”. Okay. I know you are out there. I have seen almost every episode of the X Files and therefore have a good knowledge of how you work, what you look like and your purposes. I want to first establish communication with you as peaceful. I mean you no harm and am really intrigued by your species. I am honored that you have chosen Earth to study and am even to the point of being quite envious of the humans you have contacted you might say I am “green with envy”, ha ha, I’m the little green man! Ha ha (sorry, a little Earth humor there). Anyway, please know that I am more than willing to offer myself to your studies (as long as you don’t kill me and please no anal probes)
I am aware that many of your people are looking for host bodies for your eggs. I am willing to let you ram your ovary depositor down my throat and lay your eggs in my chest, or maybe put them in my head. I know this may cause pain and erratic behavior on my behalf, but is for the good of the unification of our species. I would be honored. Please inform me as to all the physical effects and details of this surrogate process. How do you deposit the eggs in my head? How do you past my skull? Do you use a drill? Do you use anesthetics? Is the enough room in my head between brain and skull? If not you may discard portions of my brain that I don’t use (or better yet graft them onto one of your fellow being’s brain to enhance him) When the eggs hatch, do the babies (or pups?) chip their way through my skull? Or do they squirm above my cerebral cortex until until they find an open orifice through which to birth? This could be my eye, nose, ear or mouth opening. I’m sure I will have to take a sick day that day as anyone witinessing this may become nauseous and vomit or urinate themselves.
OK, thanks friends.
PS Let me know if there is paper work to fill out.