The Atom Smasher is Beginning to End the World

[Originally posted by Yosh at No One Reads Your Blog, a blog collaboration by the members of the band Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle]

 

I only found out about his thing last night. the HDL I mean Large Hadron Collider. If you have heard, this is a machine under the border of France and Switzerland that is huge.
The only thing it does is smash atoms together and it cost millions. I don’t know why these “scientists” think they’re so smart. It’s easy to smash atoms with a hammer. I have done it. I know I have swung a hammer hard enough to break things, and these things are made of billions of tiny atoms. I have noticed that nothing significant happened when I have done this. No “big bang scenario” happened.
This leads me to believe there is reason the LHC costs billions of dollars. The reason is that their machine is highly dangerous. Some have predicted the machine will create black holes. They turned it on this morning at midnight my time. Many people have said nothing happened. I, however, have begun to notice many things that precede a mass implosion which means we are in the final hours of existence.

My observations of the effects of the HCL:

  • Rain (I don’t remember it raining on September 10th last year)
  • Phlegm in my throat caused by high radio frequencies
  • Lower back pain from radiation that is just now reaching the U.S.
  • A dead fish in my fish tank from toxic free radicals
  • A sense of lethargy in me and likely my co-workers
  • I can feel a slight pull eastward toward France where the black hole is gaining energy
  • A dimming of light in my office that is being sucked into the black hole
  • Ever so slightly you can tell the Earth is getting lighter as mass is “gobbled up” by the black hole
  • Global Warming
  • The melting of polar ice caps
  • People not willing to recycle
  • Higher taxes (and they will only rise when the US builds its own CFC)
  • Starvation among people groups with little or no food
  • AIDS
  • Human Papaloma Virus
  • Gas prices rising rapidly to cover the energy bill from turning this thing on
  • Wars are being fought in many countries near there
  • Russia is jealous of France so they decided to “pick on” Georgia (don’t worry Georgia, the south will rise again)
  • IEDs made from unused LCH parts.

These are only the bad things! Other effects include (in a few months) an understanding of the Origin of Species (a controversial book by Charles Darwin). They have begun a chain reaction that will end up beginning a new universe! This is exciting as anyone alive to day will get to witness the whole process of evolution right before our eyes! We will see first a BANG!!!!! that will hurt our ears. Then we will see primordial ooze coming from the LHC. One day lightning will then strike it and we will begin watching amino acids give birth to embryo’s that will soon swim out and become monkeys. I think we need to be careful and abort these babies before they evolve into fully thinking intelligent humans because they will have a bunch of stupid philosophical questions for us like “Are you God?” and “Where did we come from?” and we’ll be like “You came from the LHC” and they will ask where we came from and then we will have to tell them about the LHC that birthed us. “It was a much less…ummm mechanical…one…it was one that wasn’t built by man. It built itself out of nothing. ” And then before they ask how that’s possible we’ll have to distract them by saying “Look! Behind you! A Jelly Doughnut!” and then run to where they can’t find us.
Abort the LHC babies! Vote democrat!

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