Desmond used his colorful imagination to illustrate his feelings from childhood. When he gets into his teens he struggles with depression and creates a being to illustrate his pain. He calls the being The Dominator and the more he imagines it, the more real it becomes. His only escape from the pain he feels is another creation of his imagination, the Dark Forest.
The Dominator was born January 14, 1996 amidst my on going friendship after breaking up with my first girlfriend. I had been imagining something prior and putting it together with the song “Dominator” by Human Resource. The first writing on the 14th went as follows:
“There is this sinking feeling , seemingly inescapable. In my mind I have given it a tangible form. It changes and morphs depending on the situation but is mostly a large very powerful and strong black male called the Dominator. When I think of HER or see HER or talk to HER the Dominator appears. With particularly large fists he continues to bash in my face until he decides to take on the form of a large chunk of square iron which swings out of the sky nailing me squarely on the forehead. As my skull splits I fly backward. This goes on and on the things that keep me going are #1 JESUS and #2 times like tonight when I gave Dominator a powerful upper cut in the jaw…”
Various instances in my journal later on were such:
“The Dominator is a dark cloud”
“11-10-99 The Dominator. The Dominator is my tormenter – whether a demon or the devil himself I don’t know. He is a shadow, I can’t tell if he is a figment of my imagination or if he is real. He takes on any shape and form he can use best to torture me. He laughs at my stupidity. He calls me a retard and tries to get me to hurt myself mentally and physically. Sometimes he turns into a ball of iron spikes spinning at high speed and then begins to mangle my flesh-sometimes he makes me want to smoke. Sometimes he has been a giant boxing glove pulverizing my face or a sledge hammer. Sound weird? Well, it all coincides with how I’m feeling emotionally. I blame all my pain on him. He is incredibly powerful and unstoppable-EXCEPT when I am happy. When I have friends and someone to talk to, when I am laughing, and when I am talking to God, he is defeated. Usually in his rage he strikes back at me and I tumble back into his grasp. This is the roller coaster. Most of the time I can’t figure out why I am so happy one night and completely depressed the next morning. For example:Last night Kristi called to ask how I was. This makes me extremely happy-BUT! When I answered the phone she said “Is this Wes?” At this point the Dominator is a black poisenous snake. He is frocing his way into me by ripping through my stomach. A thought; Did she call to talk to Wes and was too scared to ask for him b/c she knows about my jealousy problem? The Dominator thus diffuses and enters my blood stream. It is painful. [This period’s sound track is Level-Devil’s Advocate]
12-15-00 “Everyone has sorrows & pain-but do they have the Dominator? Everyone feels sorry for themselves sometimes but does the Dominator crush their insides like a garbage truck? The Dominator has torn me to small bleeding chunks of flesh yet I only survive to prolong the torture.”
6-14-01 “Sweet Dominator, I’m indebted to you for choosing me to be the one to subdue” (Written to the tune of Refractor by Circle of Dust)
> In the corner of the room something suspicious caught his eye. At first it seemed to be the shadow of his night stand but then he did a double take when his mind suddenly told him there was something there. Beginning to shake he realized it was a pile of dirty clothes. And then within a second of that thought he knew he had not placed any clothes there…certainly not a pile that large. His heart began to race as he approached it much like one would approach a cockroach or large spider they just discovered. What IS it? he thought. He came within 3 feet of it, his mind running through a million scenarios, trying to figure out what it was but rejecting every possibility. Then it the mass moved and to his horror it was much like the shape of a man who was unfolding from an impossible crouched position. Desmond stepped back his mind reeling, still trying to put the puzzle together. There were so many shadows and his adrenaline was making it hard to think, to see. The way one’s eyes continue to see but fail to recognize colors after being exposed to the sun, was the way his mind felt. The thing stood, it’s body appeared to be black, but mainly because no color could be assigned to it. It was Desmond’s height and turned to look him straight in the eye like it knew he was there the whole time. All Desmond could make out in the face were some dark sunken eyes and of all things a large grin from cheek to cheek. It was not the grin of friendliness, but the arrogance of total domination.
The Dominator by Josh Anderson
Desmond Blackwood has a fertile imagination. In his journal called Pi Rho Park he puts a face to his depression, loneliness, pain and alienation in the form of a dark figure he calls The Dominator. In his head everything that causes him pain is from an attack from the Dominator. When he becomes obsessed with Pi Rho Park it begins to come alive. The Dominator takes on a reality that is horrifying and attacks Desmond with increasing viciousness. Desmond is stuck in this psudeo reality that no one else can see and therefore he can tell no one. One day at a height of emotion Desmond is sucked into Pi Rho Park and there is forced to battle and conquer the Dominator.
Jenika’s giggle, her smile, her pure blond hair drew Desmond to her so completely that he was finally able to quit thinking about Tiffany. Desmond, only a freshman in high school had somehow allowed himself to imagine Tiffany as perfect, the only girl he could see himself marrying. His infatuation had lasted years, and so when he finally worked up the courage to ask Jenika out, it was a milestone for him – not mention, his first girlfriend.
Difficulties would soon arise, as Desmond’s sheltered world was cracked and splintered by the realization of who Jenika was. She had not been raised like he was. Her paradigm was shaped by a hard life- doing drugs with her mother, losing her virginity at 14, having been raped. To Desmond’s innocent mind, these things hit him like a head on collision. No longer was he living in a safe haven of sorts.
He loved her, however, and sought her attention. He bought her gifts and wrote her letters. His attempts to woo her were met, at first, without reciprocation. Then his heart met its first rejection as he began to see disinterest in her eyes.
Feeling he was losing her, he called more and wrote her more until one day she called him aside into an empty classroom.
“Desmond…I…I don’t think this is working. You’re one of the nicest guys I have ever met, but I just feel like I’m bringing you down. I don’t think we can be with each other anymore…I’m not really sure what you want out of this”
This can’t be the end, thought Desmond, I’ve got to fight harder. “I just want you,” he said it without any breath behind it.
She seemed ice cold, “I’ve got to get going,”.
Thoughts of their time together flickered through Desmond’s mind like someone thumbing through a picture book. His stomach felt like he had just drank a gallon of spoiled milk. Jenika left the room, he sat down in a metal folding chair and closed his eyes – and that’s when he saw it.
In his mind, out of a brooding expanse of tumultuous navy blue and violet clouds a tornado-like tail dropped to the horizon. The tail produced a man-like figure. The thing covered the distance between them like some sort of banshee from a nightmare. It met Desmond with the force of a semi, bowling him over as if he were an offensive back and it was a linebacker.
Desmond, snapped his eyes open. He knew he imagined the scene, yet it left him shaky, the way one feels after witnessing a grizzly car wreck.
The following weeks were bleak for Desmond. The world was gray. Nothing was funny. Food did not taste good. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
He saw Jenika frequently at school and church. She was very cordial and wanted to be friends with Desmond. Many times he attempted explaining his feelings to her in notes. Each time her replies were friendly and she seemed to genuinely care for him, but she still did not desire a romantic relationship.
Finally Jenika got frustrated with his constant pushing to be more than friends. One night after a church service, he had pulled her aside to talk to her. Sensing he would attempt yet again to change her mind about him, she cut him off, “Desmond, it’s apparent to me that no matter what we do, things are not going to be all right. I can’t keep doing this. We can’t be together and we can’t be friends either!”
The words resonated through his head. He felt a little dizzy and his stomach felt nauseous. She left him and it felt just like she shoved him into the vastness of the arctic; alone, cold and dark. Part of him still wanted to chase after her, part of him wanted step into someone else’s life. He went up the stairs where she had gone and peeked through a door into the sanctuary where she was with some other friends beginning to practice music. She seemed happy with them, like they were normal friends who didn’t burden her and like what she just said to him didn’t even happen. It seemed like the only thing he could do was retreat to his imagination to ease the pain, to envelope himself in this made up analogy of what was happening.
He walked through a broken wrought iron gate. Rain came steadily down from the cloud darkened twilight sky. A fearsome atmosphere kept him alert, eyes darting left, then right. He followed the dirt path before him which led into a dark forest. Something in his mind urged him to keep moving. It seemed that a presence was behind him and so his pace quickened and then broke into a run. He peered over his shoulder once. On the second glance a shock sent a jolt through his body as it was all at once clear that there in fact was a figure on his heels.
Desmond cut hard off of the path and into the eerie dark woods. All he could see were vague dark branches right before his head shoulders and arms broke through them. No matter how hard he tried, it seemed he could not gain on the figure. Then he felt a large hand firmly grasp his collar jerking him to a halt. With a hard jerk the thing forced Desmond to the ground tearing his jacket off. It kicked him in the face and it felt to Desmond that every part of his face was broken. The thing was ruthless, stomping him directly in the face.
Desmond opened his clenched eyes feeling the tears release and roll down his cheeks. He was in his bedroom sitting at his desk. He realized he was breathing hard, the experienced was so incredibly lucid. He reached for one of his new school notebooks and tore out the algebra in the front. He grabbed a black ballpoint pen out of a clay cup and penned the things he just imagined. Before long he had several pages written. He sat up, wondering what all this meant.
He had always loved to draw and went back through the pages making drawings to further illustrate how he thought. He drew a sort of caricature of himself pulling his skin off. He then tried to draw the thing that chased him. He sketched out a human shape but when he tried to draw the face, he couldn’t quite picture it. After a few attempts at adding facial features he realized the best way to represent the figure would be to leave the face a black void. He scribbled a single word in the margin: Dominator.
Desmond’s days became more and more filled with self-loathing. Finally after several months Jenika started talking to him again. She was his only outlet for the pain he felt and so he found great comfort in talking to her.
The rest of Desmond’s High School years passed plagued by the Dominator. Desmond felt like an outsider; no one understood him.
Moonlight cast long shadows from sage brush and pinons that cover the rocky cliffs around this desert canyon. Darkness between the trees hides something, some sort of presence that all the locals know vaguely about.
On this fall night the crickets were quieted by a group of college students from the nearby city of Grand. Groups of students enjoyed traveling the twenty minute drive to the canyon to go to the caves and tunnels that dotted the canyon walls. Some of these tunnels wound their way under the canyon road above. A game simply referred to as “tunnel running” in which students dared each other to feel their way through the long tunnels without aid of a flashlight was a favorite. On this particular night the tunnel runners were a small group of students from an on campus Bible study group. Most of them were freshmen and they were really just getting to know each other. For the most part they all had a lot in common.
“Hey everybody , after this you wanna come over to my place?” asked Jake who was at the front of the pack with a large Coleman flashlight. Jake naturally took on leadership of the group. He was well spoken and not afraid to tell people when they were wrong. He was well accomplished in high school and a champion basketball player.
“I probably need to study before I go to bed, but you guys can do whatever,” answered Janet whose flashlight helped illuminate the path alongside Jake’s. Janet was perfect, always doing what she was supposed to. She was so happy cheerful all the time that no one could ever be mad at her for anything.
“Here’s a tunnel!” Lacy said pointing with her flashlight. Lacy was a bit goofy, but nevertheless very outgoing and self-confident.
“Hey, do you guys see those bats up above the entrance?” Desmond had seen the reflection of their beady eyes from the reflected moonlight because he didn’t have a flashlight. That was the way Desmond was, while most of them had bought flashlights that night, Desmond saved his money because he never did things ‘just because everyone else did’.
“Oh I see them!” said Kate excitedly. Kate was a pretty blonde. She liked to work out at the gym, and seemed a little absent minded most of the time.
“Well , shall we enter the tunnel?” asked Matt getting impatient. Matt was Jake’s best friend and an excellent guitar player. Jake and Matt liked to play basket ball together daily .
“Everybody turn off your flashlights,” reminded Lacy. The area around the tunnel opening became dark and inside the tunnel was inky black.
“This is scary,” commented Kate. Desmond looked over her way. He liked it when girls expressed their insecurities. It wasn’t long after that Desmond realized he was developing a crush on Kate.
“Oh come on, you woudn’t be scared if there was light. It’s the same thing in the dark as it is in the day,” Matt shot back at her.
Once they were all inside the thick black darkness they started talking loudly and their voices bounced off the walls. Desmond remained silent as usual.
The cave’s low ceiling dropped sand and dirt as their hands scraped along . They moved along slowly, feeling the walls and occasionally balling up spider web in their hands.
Grey. Then movement. Clouds rushed by his face. He was swiftly moving though a dense fog . He was falling. No, he sitting on…on a horse. Desmond’s muscles were tense and he was sweating. Then it came back into his conscience, he was fleeing. Like so many times before. He knew not what it would take to outrun his enemy but he knew he had to fight with all he was worth. He looked over his shoulder and saw nothing, then a blackness behind the fog. It was coming up on him at a ferocious speed. Desmond felt wasn’t fair, he could feel the figure had unlimited power and was ruthless.
He tightens his mountainous muscles. Disgustingly his flexing works something out of him. Razor blades burst out of his grey skin. The points glisten with blood and sharpness.
*****A drop of rain made its way through flames and hit the ground giving off steam and a tiny bit of smoke. Then another and another. Soon a steady rain was becoming a downpoor. Flames extinguished and were replaced by thick smoke. I watched as that damn dark forest seemed to fight back-almost as if the darkness grew like trees. I turned to run and noticed the rest of the army was gone. I stood alone in the pouring rain. I hear a twig snap as under the paws of a large animal. A sinking feeling filled me.
Meanwhile our armies had drawn back to the basin where the new source fuel was being stored. The sound of sirens and alarms filled the air. They discovered a contamination in the fuel.
I heard some branches snap.
Inconceivable how strong the Dominator is.
I looked to my left.Then I heard the deep crack of any entire tree trunk snapping. I swung my vision to my right in time to see the beast emerge from the blackened forest. It galloped toward my at a break neck speed. It opened its wolf mouth bearing paranah teeth.It knocked me down with the force of a semi truck. The teeth bit deep into my torso.
I layed under its weight, its unbending, relentless power could only diminish with time. I closed my eyes to it’s horrible face.
Some time later the rain stopped and opened my eyes to daylight. This was a set back for us but when I looked down the hill I saw our armies already pumping the the new fuel onto the trees and reigniting fires and adding to the ones that were still going