The?MURDER? MYSTERY by Josh Anderson (1997)

The scene of the crime was ridicules. All of the investigating officers would rather try to figure out if O.J. murdered Nicole than try to figure this out.

It started out when the owner of the house came home late one night. Jed was his name. He was out at the bar and came home at about 1 a.m.. As he tells his story, he approached his door and noticed it was slightly opened. Fearing that a burglar was inside he ran to the neighbor’s house and called the police.

When the police got there, they cautiously entered with their guns drawn. With their flashlights they could tell the place was a mess. After a quick glance around they deemed it O.K. to turn the lights on. They searched the entire house and the entire premisis for hours. They found no one.

As soon as it appeared to be O.K., the best forensic unit in the country was sent in to investigate. Squad #6.02X10[DA1] 23 -yes, the Mole squad. Comprised of 2 men and 2 women the Mole squad was known nationally by police departments for their ability to crack any case imaginable.(Unknown to the public, they were the one’s who solved the O.J. case)

There was Travis O’Neal who usually didn’t talk much and stuck to the cases; there was Ronald Bookman who was always reading some Science Fiction book and was paranoid that the aliens would make him into intergalactic coffee beans; there was Shelly who would rather flirt with guys than work but when she did work she was able to get a lot accomplished in a short time; and then there was Cindy who came from France to be an actor in Hollywood but found she was much better at forensics(go figure).

When the Mole squad got there they agreed with the police:it was the craziest thing they’d ever seen.

There was a body on the floor in the living room. Both the legs were broken. There was a rope around the neck and it was tied to the large fancy chandelier, which was usually on the ceiling but now sat on the large fancy sofa. The body (which was a man) had no shirt. There were obvious stab wounds all over his body. There was a pistol under one sofa and a shotgun under another. There were cat and dog paw prints all over the house in the man’s blood. A struggle was very apparent. Tables and chairs were knocked over all over the house.

“Well guys, I think we should split up and come up with our own conclusion like we did in the McVeigh case,” commented Bookman and then went back to his book.

“I agree,” said O’Neal. The girls nodded and got out their forensics kits and began work. Bookman sat on the sofa with shotgun under it and continued his book. O’Neal just sat and studied the body.

Suddenly Bookman shivered and abruptly dropped his book and looked under the sofa. “What do we have here? A 12 gauge shotgun!” Everyone’s eyes turned toward him.

Shelly quickly looked under the other couch, “Hey! Look! It’s a 9 millimeter pistol!!” Then everyone looked at her.

Bookman went back to his book and O’Neal went outside. Cindy dusted for finger prints and Shelly took hair samples.

Again Bookman abruptly threw his book down and ran up to the loft. “My god! There’s another body up here!! W-with a shirt wrapped around her face! Get the paramedics up here!!” As the paramedics ran up the stairs, Bookman pushed his glasses up, took a pencil out and jotted down some notes. A few hours later the paramedics identified the old woman’s body as Erma Hetzner(one of Jed’s neighbors)

“Ewwwww!” came Shelly’s voice from the kitchen, “There’s Ketchup on the floor!”

“Drugs!” said Bookman still standing where the body of the old woman was. He knelt down, put his finger in it and tasted it. “Hmmm,–sugar!” he said and then scribbled some more notes.

“It appears both legs are broke,” commented Cindy. “And his shirt is missing–jee, it looks like he was stabbed to death! But this rope makes it look like the murderer tried to hang him,”

“That poor little kitty probably has blood all over his feet because he’s tracked it all over the house-and the dog too!” Shelly put in from the kitchen again.

After writing several pages of notes in his small notebook, Bookman came into the kitchen and saw the coffee pot on the counter. “AHHH!!!!”


“C-c-coffee beans!! I’m sorry, I have to go now!!” and Bookman left.

“Ronald!! He left!” complained Cindy, “And where is Travis??”

“Right here,” Travis said as he came in through the back door noting it’s broken glass.

“What have you found?” asked Shelly.

“Emmm, nothing…um, this window is broken,”

O’Neal went up to the balcony and a little later the girls saw him leave. “What an idiot, he didn’t even do anything!” Cindy said to Shelly.

“Yeah… well, since everyone is leaving I guess I’ll go too,” said Shelly as she packed up her kit.

“Well, I guess I’m done too,” Cindy added as she packed her kit. “Don’t forget, we have to question witnesses and suspects tomorrow,”

“Yeah,” and the two left.

The next day the Mole Squad met up at the police station with Chief Tucker.

“Hi guys, have a seat,” the Chief said pointing to some chairs around the meeting table. “How’s progress??”

“Inconclusive,” stated Bookman.

“I’m confused,” added Cindy.

“Need more information,” said O’Neal.

“He’s cute!” said Shelly looking out the window at an officer.

“Ah, I see. Well hopefully these witnesses our boys dug up will help you,” the Chief said. He walked over to the door and let in Mrs.Cratz, Mildred and Lenny(Jed’s other neighbors.)

Mrs.Crats and Mildred looked down cast so Shelly asked, “You two look sad, what’s wrong?”

Mildred spoke up and said, “Well, don’t you people know that that a murderer killed our friend Erma? I mean, isn’t that why we’re here?”

“Well-” Shelly started to say as the Chief opened the door. To Mrs.Cratz and Mildred’s surprise, in walked Erma!

“Oh my gosh you’re alive!!” screamed Mildred as she and Mrs.Cratz hugged her.

“O.K., we need to hear from you people what happened here,” O’Neal commented, “Mrs.Cratz, how ’bout you go first? Tell us what happened yesterday,”

“Well, I was making some cookies when I realized I was all out of sugar. So I decided to go ask Jed for a cup(a lot of us do that because jed is such a nice young man. So I went to his house and rang the doorbell several times. He never came to the door so I thought maybe he was listening to music in headphones(he does that you know). So I opened the door to find him and that’s when I knew someone else had been in the house. I saw tables and chairs knocked over-it was a mess. So I thought I would call Mildred and Erma over to take a look-”

“Mrs.Cratz, why didn’t you call the police?” asked Bookman.

“Well, I…I guess I didn’t think about it…”

“Hmmm, I see,” Bookman scribbled some notes in his book, “What happened next?”

“Well,” Erma piped up, “That’s when Mildred and I came over. I used to be a secretary at this police station,”she said proudly, “Obviously I was the one to check out the place. So I went upstairs and that’s where the murderer tried to kill me! I don’t remember anything after that,”

“Mrs.Cratz and I waited for her and then we thought the murderer got her so we ran to Lilian’s house in PineRidge and called the police,”Mildred put in.

“Those silly police searched Pine Ridge instead of our neighborhood,”

After a long pause O’Neal asked “Is that all?” The ladies nodded. “What’s your story Lenny?”

“Well, last night I came over there to Jed’s to see if I could borrow his pikne flange. I rang the doorbell and he never came so I assumed he was out at the bar. That’s all I know about yesterday,”

The Chief escorted them out and then told the Mole Squad “Now for our only real suspect, Jed himself,” Jed came and sat down.

“Well, tell us like it was Jed,” commanded Bookman.

“All I know is, I got two phone calls yesterday. One was a gosh dern pranker. I came runnin’ a hundred miles an hour down the stairs only to pick up the phone and hear bzzzzzzzzz! The other one was my boss say’n I had to come to work until about 8:00. Well, I went to work and as soon as I got off I went to the bar till ’bout 1:00 in the mornin’. When I came home I saw the door half way open so I ran next door to Bob’s and called the police. The police come and tell me there’s a dead body in my house!!”

“Is that it?”asked O’Neal.

“S’all I know!!” The Chief escorted Jed out.

“All right now, I want each of you tell me what happened here by the end of the week, O.K.?” asked Chief Tucker.

“Yes sir!” exclaimed Bookman. Every one else just nodded.

The next few days the Mole Squad continued their investigations at Jed’s house. Except that lazy bum O’Neal who pretended to have everything figured out and only showed up once in a while. Of course Bookman was reading a novel 95% of the time and Shelly flirted with every guy who walked down the street. Cindy watched a lot of T.V. but appeared to be the most involved. By the time the end of the week rolled around they were all getting tired of the case.

Finally it was time to present what they came up with to Chief Tucker. The four got to the police station early and the Chief brought them to a meeting room with chalkboards and an overhead projector.

Chief Tucker sat down at the head of the table and randomly chose Cindy. “Cindy, why don’t you tell us what you think happened?”

Cindy looked slightly unprepared. “Well, from my investigation, to be totally honest I don’t know what exactly happened. I have pieced together a story though. The way I see it, the murderer must have been in some kind of Satanic cult. Jed who could be considered religious must have gotten on the murderer’s bad side. Wanting to avenge himself, the murderer decided to put a curse on Jed. He goes to the victims house (who we identified as Perry Carter)who lives next door to Jed. The murderer kills Mr.Carter and drags him in to Jed’s house and plans to hang him from the chandelier as a spectacle. But after the suspect leaves, the chandelier rips out of the roof. When Carter hit the floor both his legs broke,”

“What about the stab wounds, Cindy?” asked Bookman.

“Well…um, like I said, the guy was a Satanist. His goal was probably to shock Jed, so he stabbed him a bunch to make him bleed.”

“MMM HMMM. Well, you didn’t explain Erma upstairs, or the sugar…” came O’Neal.

“Well, that’s all I have-uh-I can’t quite piece the other stuff together.”

Chief Tucker looked over at Bookman, “Well, what do you have for us?”

“Its quite simple really,” everyone looked at Bookman curiously, he was intelligent and probably had the right answer, “Mr.Carter was over at Jed’s. The two were critiquing a book when-”

“Ronald! Jed had no knowledge of Mr.Carter being at his house that day!” protested Shelly.

“Well, you see, Jed doesn’t remember-”

“Why not?” protested Cindy.

“Well, if you’d listen! I’m going to explain it all. While Jed and Perry sat discussing the book, suddenly a very frightening thing happened-”

“WHAT!?” Shelly and Cindy shouted in unison.

“Well, you see, there was a bright light and the aliens entered through the back door. They broke the back door. They had paw-like feet. Their bodies were covered in an oxyprotectant red blood-like ooze. They were the one’s who got the little footprints all over the house,”


“Just listen,” he struggled to keep their attention, “They put Jed into a coma and induced memories of work and going to the bar into his head. They took Mr.Carter and did tests on his body. These tests included puncturing the torso and breaking both femurs.”

“Bookman, even if we were stupid enough to listen to your story, you still haven’t explained the guns under the couches-” Chief Tucker broke in.

“But the aliens-!”

“Bookman! It’s Shelly’s turn!”  Tucker bellowed. “Shelly?”

“Oh!” Shelly turned away from the window where she had been watching some guys. “This is how I think it happened. Mr.Carter was really cute, right?”

“Some of us wouldn’t know, Shelly,” answered the Chief.

“Well, a lot of girls were asking Perry for dates n’ stuff, so, like, Jed gets jealous and goes over to Carter’s. He invites Carter over and stabs him to death over there,”

“What about the rope?” came O’Neal.


“Yea and what about the aliens?” shot in Bookman.

“There weren’t-”

“Shelly you forgot about Erma and the broken back door,” added Cindy.

“Erma must have broke the-”

“Shelly, is that all you have?” asked Chief Tucker.

“Yeah,”she said sheepishly.

Finally the  Chief  looked toward O’Neal and said, “O.K.. O’Neal, lets hear your story,”

Travis looked around the room then got up and walked over to the overhead projector and turned it on. “All right,”  he said in his Irish accent “This is how it must of ‘appened. Mr.Carter, wanting to borrow a small cup of sugar from his neighbor,Jed, calls Jed at 12:00 noon on Monday. Jed is upstairs and when he hears the phone ring he runs downstairs knocking over a table and some chairs-”

“Your saying Jed knocked over the tables?” interrupted Cindy.

“Yes. By the time he gets to the phone, Carter has given up and hangs up. This accounts for the so called “pranker”. Jed then got the call telling him that he had to go to work until 8:00 p.m..”

“Work?” asked Bookman.

“Yes, he really did go to work. Anyway, Jed takes off to work at about the same time Carter decides that Jed won’t mind him borrowing a little bit of sugar while he’s gone. Carter then sneaks over to Jed’s house and goes through the front door. Carter, being very hungry that day sees the lunch on the kitchen table that Jed left. He thinks Jed won’t mind him eating the left out food(after all, it will spoil if he doesn’t). He decides the sandwich could use some ketchup and when he tries to squirt some on he misses and squirts a blob on the floor. Then he finds the sugar and fills his cup. At that point the doorbell rang. This was where everything fell apart for Mr.Carter. Who could it be? And what would they think if they saw him in Jed’s house? So Carter frantically runs up the stairs to the loft. Then, the person who is at the door-who is Mrs.Cratz-begins to worry that something may be wrong with Jed. She takes it upon herself to enter the house and see what’s up. Inside Mrs.Cratz sees the knocked over tables and thinks someone must have broken in. Mrs.Cratz then called Mildred and Erma (instead of the police). Shortly the two arrive and Mr.Carter is still trapped upstairs. Erma, who used to be a secretary at the police station, assumes she is the most experienced in criminal affairs and begins to search the house. As Erma ascends the stairs, Mr.Carter becomes so nervous that he does the first thing that comes to mind. He whips off his shirt (this is where he drops the sugar). As Erma passes Mr.Carter, he jumps out of the shadows and quickly wraps his shirt around her mouth and does a quick karate chop to her pressure point knocking her out for hours. Mr.Carter thinks he has killed Erma and is overcome with guilt. Mildred and Mrs.Cratz wait for what seems like an eternity and Erma never comes back. The two think she must have been murdered and run for their own lives. They keep running afraid to even stay in their own neighborhood. Finally the two reach the PineRidge neighborhood and go to Lilian’s house and call the police. They tell the police that there is a murderer on the loose in their neighborhood but they are so frantic they forget to say where and hang up. The police traced the call and immediately had a full scale search on–uh-in PineRidge that is. Meanwhile, Mr.Carter still has not left Jed’s house and is so overcome with guilt that he decides to commit suicide. He went into Jed’s bedroom and found his pistol and walked into the living room. Just as he was about to pull the trigger the doorbell rings. It is Lenny from across the street. Afraid, Mr.Carter flings the gun under the couch and runs back up stairs. After Lenny has given up ringing the doorbell and goes back home, Mr.Carter tries again. This time he got Jed’s shotgun. He went back to the living room and was just about to shoot when a strange noise at the back door frightened him. He flung the shotgun under the other sofa and approached the backdoor. There was a scratching sound. As Mr.Carter opened the door Jed’s Rottweiler burst through and chased him around the kitchen. Jed ran into the backyard where the Rottweiler chased him all around until he jumped into a rose bush. The rose bush cut him up badly. He finally wrestled his way out and ran back in the house but not before he found a coil of rope. This is how he could kill himself! He slammed the door before the dog could get in. He ran up to the loft and quickly lassoed the chandelier without thinking. He tied the rope around his neck, said bye and dove from the balcony. When his weight hit the rope, the chandelier ripped out of the ceiling. When Mr.Carter hit the floor his legs broke and then his head hit, he died and the chandelier landed on the couch. At that point the Rottweiler burst through the backdoor and went straight to Carter’s body and pounced on him, then realized he was dead and started going through the house sniffing every thing. The cat came in and also got in the blood and walked all over the place. The scene looked like this until Jed came home about 1:00 a.m.. He saw the door slightly opened-probably left open by Mrs.Cratz and Mildred. Afraid of a burglar he runs across the street to Lenny’s house and calls the police. The police arrive at the scene and the rest is as we say-history!”

“By Jove I think he’s got it!” exclaimed the Chief.



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