MySpace Blogs from 1-9-05 to 10-27-08

(many of these I am reposting here at WordPress as “refurbished fromMySpace”)

About Blogs… 

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Do other ppeople really care enough about what you have to say to read your blog? I hope so.

Currently listening :
Strip Cycle
By Mike Knott
Release date: By 07 June, 1996

3:09 PM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

 

 

“Time waits for no man” -Klank

Current mood:  anxious

Well, here I am at MySpace…I don’t know how this is different from my MSN profile except different people. I wish I more time for it, but only a moment on Wednesday mornings before the store opens and possibly Sunday afternoons. Well, I gotta go..

Currently listening :
Moment of Clarity
By Edl
Release date: By 14 September, 1999

 

 

 

The Guy on Top of the Fridge

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Current mood:  blah

Last night I was at the DEL house (my friends Deirdre, Erika & Laura’s apartment) with my buddy Lawrence. We were standing around being bored when Lawrence looked at thier refridgerator and decided to lodge himself on top of it among the cereal boxes. So as soon as nobody was looking we cleared off he top and he wedged himself between the top and the roof. I placed some Cheerios and stuff around him. Then Erika came back in and I was trying real hard to hold a straight face. She went about her business in the kitchen asking me what I was laughing at. She did not notice the young man atop her refrigerator. Then Lawrence knocked a box of cereal off and she looked up and to her amazment, behind the Cheerios and infront of the cupboards was Lawrence. Then he proceded to reach down to the counter and grab a straw which he used to fire spitwads at her. After he climbed down he sat and calmly analyzed the situation.

Currently listening :
Monogamy
By House of Wires
Release date: By 11 January, 2000

“Where do we go from here?” -Pillar

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Current mood:  uncomfortable

So, how many of you reading this find yourself in the situation I’m in? I’m 25 and this is my 3rd year out of college. Never before in all my life have I felt like such an island. I am SO isolated from people-especially people my age. Back home no matter how bad my day was or how rejected I felt at school, at least I could come home to mom & dad and my bro. Even if I wasn’t going to specifically DO anything with them, they were there. When I came to college things changed a lot, but I did have a room mate and could look forward to seeing lots of people my own age doing the same thing as me in all my classes. My first taste of isolation came the summer after my freshman year when I got an apartment. It wasn’t long though before my brother moved in. Then my junior year I moved into a house with my brother and 3 other guys. Man those were the best of times. People were always around, even when I wanted to be alone. But by the time I graduated they were moving on. I stayed at that house for two more years after I graduated but having all my friends getting married and moving out, I decided it was time for me to move on. I don’t really know what I was “supposed” to do, but I regret my choice of getting a one bedroom place on my own. There are cool things about having a place to by yourself. Everything is yours, the place is as messy or clean as you want it, if you don’t want to be bothered-you’re set, you can always watch or listen to whatever you want, the temprature is exactly how you want it, you don’t have to remind the roommate/s about rent or utilities or help cover them when they decided to write a bad check. But I would trade all that to have someone around again. I hate coming home to no one. And so I try to hang out with friends constantly. This is draining because it’s like you’re in a state of constant anxiety. Also, sometimes I wonder if my friends are getting tired of me-feeling like they always have to entertain me or maybe they just need some time away from me. I would understand that if that was how they felt. Also there are times when I just want to listen to music and draw my cartoons, but I am so lonely that I keep thinking of what everyone on the outside is doing and I can’t concentrate even on that. So if you’re thinking of living alone, I wouldn’t recommend it-well if you’re a people person like me.

Currently listening :
Under Midnight
By Wonderland

 

 

Reflecting on 25

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Current mood:  thoughtful

Happy Birthday me. I remember how awesome birthdays used to be. I looked forward to them almost as much as Christmas. Now I’m starting to dread them. Not so much because I’m afraid of getting old, but because I always feel like I need to be acomplishing more before another year passes. It’s scary how fast a year flashes by. Lets see if I can recap 25. It started out with me having a little crush on a girl and not getting the courage to ask her out until March. In the meantime I had a very good friendship with her roomates (Deidre & Erika) taking one out on her 21st birthday (which also happens to be on Valentines day) Not long after that I went with The Door* people to see The Passion. A very touching film I think you only need to see once. I had to watch it with an eye patch which blocked out the blurry eye I lost a contact for that day in the Glenwood Hotsprings. Then March came and I finally got the nerve to ask Jessica out. The next 2 months was our relationship going from my best ever and plummeting to heart break in early May when she moved back to Arvada and broke up with me. That was on Monday, that Friday I totaled my 94 Ford Ranger. So there I was driving my old Corsica with the crappy paint again-just in time to move out of the legendary J House and into a lonely 1 bedroom apartment down by the train tracks. Just when I thought my world was falling apart (all my old roomies got married and my best bud Benson went back home to Hawaii for summer) my friends Daniel, Lawrence and Jeremy came along and invited to go paintballing & rock-climbing and go to a guy’s Bible study. Then came Shannon….hmmm. A relationship that moved way too fast…so fast I don’t think I had time to TRULEY want her. But before that could even make sense she got a job in Boulder at CU and moved away. My brother(1 year younger) got married in July to wonderful girl. Mom & dad got a new dog, a Shi-Tzu named Zeek. In the fall I started hanging out with Deidre and Erika and Erika’s sister Laura all the time. Grand-ma Marlys died and Grandad came to visit from North Dakota and got saved! Grandma came up from Georgia. I saw Falling Up, Project 86 and Pillar in concert-woo hoo! Lawrence and I put on a dance party at his house and then a costume party on Halloween. I bought a snowboard and beat myself up trying to learn. So in a nutshell, 25 wasn’t so bad, eh? I probably forgot a few things….

Currently listening :
Forget Yourself
By Antidote
Release date: By 30 May, 2000

 

Quiz I copied from Stacy

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Current mood:  lonely

1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER ~ I Robot

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW ~ The Purpose Driven Life

3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Pictionary or Cranium-something where you get to be creative and CRAZY!

4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE ~HM, the Hard Music Authority

5. FAVORITE SMELLS ~ Girl’s perfume…mmmmm

6. COMFORT FOOD ~ hmmm…chocolate shake?

7. FAVORITE SOUNDS ~ Good music, or that silence on a warm spring day with lawnmower off in the distance, birds chirping and distant dogs barking

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD ~ rejection, like there’s something wrong with you, like you’re on the outside of the human race

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING ~ on workdays-PLEASE!! I just want to turn back into my warm covers and ignore that stupid alarm clock

10. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE ~ I don’t have a fav, any will do

11. FUTURE CHILD’S NAME ~ The girl will be Aravis (if my wife likes that too)

12. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, “IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY, I WOULD…” ~ build a waterpark in my back yard

13. DO YOU DRIVE FAST ~ gyeah, like 1 mile an hour faster and I would zap into 1984!!

14. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL ~ I have a gorilla and a cheetah that sleep up above me-they protect me from the night creatures and the monkey eats his banana

15. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY ~ cool

16. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR ~ 1984 Renault Alliance-THE wimpiest car in town, I shared it with my brother. We called it the clown car because we would stuff like 10 friends in it

17. FAVORITE DRINK ~ Momma’s southern Sugar Tea, I am SO addicted

18. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, “IF I HAD THE TIME, I WOULD…” ~ Go snowboarding more, actually work out, go rock climbing with my homeboys, read more books, do more art, get more involved at church, but a muscle car and restore, practice the guiatar more so I could start a band…the list could go on & on!

19. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI ~ yeah…so?.

20. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE ~ Its been blond and black…not sure either looked that great on me??

21.HOW MANY DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN ~ 2

22. GLASS HALF EMPTY OR FULL ~ … half empty-I need to change that

23 FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH ~ FOOTBALL!

24. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS ~ I copied this from Stacy. Stacy, you are a pretty girl and I would like to get to know you 😉

25. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED ~ A bin with a flashlight, old motorcycle license, thumb ring, headphones, camera battery charger, candle, promise necklace, spare glasses, chain, senior pictures, toy rabbit, negatives from old camera, extra shoelace, “roler” ruler, protractor, and a million other things I can’t think of…

26. TOILET PAPER OVER OR UNDER ~ Over! Does anyone *really* like it the other way??

27. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ~ no, but I believe in “Damn she’s hot” at first sight HA HA

28. HOW MANY TRUE FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE ~ 5ish…it’s hard to say, they have varying degrees of closeness

last cigarette: hmm….probably like 3 or 4 years ago (I’ve never been a smoker, just tried stuff)

last good cry: hmmm

last cuss word uttered: probably fuck (I have a dirty mouth sometimes)

last beverage drank: some cheap knock off of Sprite

last food consumed: some kind of frozen pizza

last crush: probably Jessica……

last phone call: not counting work? would have been last night trying to decide when and where to get coffe with Lawrence and Big Bird

last tv show watched: Friends I guess

last time showered: Yesterday after I changed the oil in my Honda-thanks to the guys at “The Hotel” it was a VERY dirty experience.

last shoes worn: my Addidas

last cd played: in the car LudiKriss (not the rapper) an extreme hardcore/screamcore band, right now I’m listening to an awesome punk band called 90lb. Wuss and I think it’s scaring the customers!!

last item bought: 6 quarts of oil and an oil filter

last downloaded: no time for downloads

last annoyance: customers…I have such a bad attitude…I know they’re the reason I get paid, but they’re SO annoying!!

last disappointment: every weekend I go out and don’t meet anyone new….

last soda drank: the Sprite stuff I just told you about

last thing written: does my comic strip count?

last key used: key for CopyCopy

last word spoken:”myself” in the sentence “If I have to listen to Mix 104.3 one more day I’m going to kill myself”

last sleep: last night got up WAAAAAAAY late and missed half an hour of church..oops

last IM: Kari Denison

last weird encounter: Thursday night at Mesa Theatre and Club…I had a weird encounter

last ice cream eaten: Ice Cream cake from Cold Stone, thanks co-workers!!

last time amused: last night while playing TurboCranium at Jared & Katie’s house for my brother’s surprise party.

last time wanting to die: hmmm that’s a touchy subject

last time in love: have I ever been in love???

last time hugged: Thursday I think Abby hugged me when I first met up with her, Benson, Lehala, Fuai and Nicole at the Club.

last time scolded: Hmm, can’t remember…probably by my boss for not checking something closely enough before running it

last time resentful: whenever I think about my decision to live alone

last underwear worn: Scooby Doo boxers he he

last bra worn: and you say that like its completely normal for a guy

last shirt worn: the one I’m wearing I guess, it’s a nice sweater, but the one before that was the Steep N’ Deep shirt my bro got me last year

last time dancing: Thursday at the club…no wait, Friday night at “The Hotel” I was demonstrating “whiteboy dancing” for Lawrence’s…um..almost for a few days girlfriend….

last show attended: Adler’s Appetite with Jesse, Laura and…well…I gave Kayla a ticket but she didn’t hang out with me 😉 (Steven Adler was the drummer for Guns N’ Roses) because I got free tickets for designing a flyer advertising the show.

last webpage visited: Myspace

1 MINUTE AGO: Changing CDs

1 HOUR AGO: Filling this survey out, gosh I’m slow

1 DAY AGO: Proabably fixing the passenger mirror on my Honda

I HURT: this girl by making out with her when I didn’t really have feelings for her, what a jerk I am….

I LOVE: my friends and family, God, music, cartoons

I FEAR: I won’t ever leave Grand Junction, and if I do I will miss everyone here SOO much

I HOPE: I will be married before I’m 30

I FEEL: sick of CopyCopy and anxious to be outsde, it’s SO nice out there today 😦

I HIDE:not much

I DRIVE: fast

I MISS: Josh & Jennie Cunningham, the J House days and having a yard, having a motorcycle

I LEARNED: once you start having self confidence, people will like you better

I NEED: a roommate, and a “prospect”

I THINK: everyone needs to find out what heir gift is from God, what their talents and interests are and start trying to figure out how God wnats you to use them and then we will all be happier

current mood: stale…I need fresh air!!

current music: Hydro-Spiritualisation (it’s techno)

current taste: that taste like I need some water or coffe or something!

current hair: thinner than ever…how sad 😦

current annoyance: this feeling that I REALLY should be working on this PILE of work next to me but I don’t wanna! I DON”T WANNA!

current smell: computers, and paper I guess

current thing i should be doing: like I said, working…I should be building this poster for this Mexican band called Integrantes Del Norte

current desktop picture: THis picture of the train bridge by the fifth street bridge that I took several years ago

current refreshment: tap water from the bathroom sink

current worry: will I meet her soon…or ever?

1. What do you most like about your body? I’m told I have a rather nice torso, upper body and arms, and legs I guess…so I like that

2. And least? dang male pattern baldness-please God, let me hang on to what I have left-at least until I find my mate!, please?

3. How many fillings do you have? 1

4. Do you think you’re good looking? Sometimes…

5. Do other people often tell you that you’re good looking? From time to time…its such a good feeling

6. Do you look like any celebrities? Tom Hanks sometimes

A – Act your age – 26

B – Breast size – hmmm, how about 200+ lb. bench press last time I tried

C- Chore you hate – anything with the toilet, bleh

D – Dads name – John

E – Essential make up item – this must a girl’s quiz, d’oh! On girls-I love that black eyeliner, it’s SO HOT.

F – Favorite actresses and actors -Billy Bob Thorton, Will Farrell, Mike Myers, …

G – Gold or silver – I don’t care

H – Hometown – Craig , CO *blushes*

I – Instruments you play – Guitar, Bass Guitar and I can dink around on the drums a bit

J – Job title – Graphic Artist/Copy monkey

K – Kids – One day

L – Living arrangements -I live all alone with 2 houseplants who are actually quite lively coversationalists.

M – Mum’s name – Debra

N – Number of people you’ve slept with – Just sleeping-right? 😉 4

O – Overnight hospital stays – nope, I’m made of steel, I don’t break 🙂

P – Phobia – Alonaphobia-where you start to freak out and have a hard time breathing because you havn’t seen people all day and you’re SO alone

Q – Quote you like – That dog’ll hunt

R – Religious affiliation – Christian (the most hated kind-I’m an American fundalmentalist white male Protestant)

S – Siblings – 1 bro and 1 sister in law

T – Time you wake up? 6:30, 7:00, 8:00 and 10am depending on the day

U – Unique habit – I chew on everything, pencils, pop tabs, etc. and if there’s nothing around I start mawing on my index finger

V – Vegetable you refuse to eat – hmmm, nothing…

W – Worst habit – Telling people eveyhting I know

X – X-rays you’ve had – knee, tailbone, nose, throat, teeth…

Y – Yummy food you make – I make some good grilled cheese…that’s all

Z – Zodiac Sign – Capricorn, which means zilch to me

Currently listening :
All Star United
By All-Star United
Release date: By 15 April, 1997

 

 

Correction

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Correction: the last movie i saw in THEATER, was Blade: Trinity.

Currently listening :
Throwing Myself
By Luti-Kriss
Release date: By 13 March, 2001

 

 

The Getaway and Our Wonderful Adaptation

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Current mood:  contemplative

This morning as I rode my bike to work around 7am, it was cold but not as bad as I had expected. The sun had not yet risen above the Mesa and the moon was still out. The sky was this “restful blue” and there was a haze. It triggered a faint memory (or collection of memories) of being out in a snowy forrest somewhere in super deep snow. It’s SO silent. Soft snow is falling. There is the real getaway. Sometimes you go on vacations, or do cool things, but because your mind has such a great ability to adapt, you’re able to experience these things with minimal shock which unfortunately makes the experience too close to normal. If you stepped out of work one day into a completely unreconizeable landscape and were disorientted and your recent memory of work faded quickly, you’d truley have escaped. So sometimes our ability adapt robs us of the adrenaline of a new situation…I gotta go.

 

 

Goodbye Friend

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Current mood:  sad

I hate it when someone comes in to your life and they have no roots, they are selfish, irresponsible and irrational. They are always asking for money because they won’t keep a job and when they do get money they spend it on all the wrong things. Then they go and steal your heart. They always do. Her and her sister were like the sisters I never had. She liked the same kinds of music I did. But today she left. Maybe I’ll see her again, maybe just for a day sometime in the future…but what we had is gone. Too many goodbyes in life. Goodbye Laura.

PS Just so you all know, I would have written this about anyone one of my friends.

Currently listening :
Friction
By Stavesacre
Release date: By 07 June, 1996

 

People!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Current mood:  angry

All day people wanting, pushing. Their so damn needy. Everyone is late, everyone needs my attention first. No one can wait! I work as hard and fast as I can and I never catch up. Why can’t people BACK OFF!

Currently listening :
Shawl
By The Prayer Chain
Release date: By 24 August, 1993

 

 

The Cube

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Current mood:  contemplative

I watched The Cube last night. It makes you think about what you would do in their situation. Then as morbid as it sounds, I got to thinking about what I what do if I were to build a room or whatever that would completely disorient someone. I actually had some deep thoughts about that, but all these customers just came in and I lost my train of thought… 😦

Currently listening :
Prime Candidate For Burnout
By Blenderhead
Release date: By 07 June, 1996

 

 

Help

Monday, February 07, 2005

Current mood:  confused

Help, I need somebody,

Help, not just anybody,

Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,

I never needed anybody’s help in any way.

But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,

Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down

And I do appreciate you being round.

Help me, get my feet back on the ground,

Won’t you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,

My independence seems to vanish in the haze.

But every now and then I feel so insecure,

I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before.

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down

And I do appreciate you being round.

Help me, get my feet back on the ground,

Won’t you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,

I never needed anybody’s help in any way.

But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,

Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down

And I do appreciate you being round.

Help me, get my feet back on the ground,

Won’t you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh

-The Beatles “Help”

Currently listening :
Past Remains
By Side Walk Slam
Release date: By 17 July, 2001

The Isolation Cycle

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Current mood:  busy

Why is it when I’m completely alone I am most in my own world and therefore more myself than ever? Why is it that I change myself when I’m around people to be accepted by them? So when I’m alone I enjoy just being me- working up a cup of hot tea, sitting at my drawing table, turning on some Miles Davis, or some really trippy techno and just drawing until I lose all sense of time and forget the anxieties of the real world. So then why do I hate to be alone so much? Well, it has to do with human contact. I believe we all need it and would shrivel up and die like a plant without water if we didn’t get it. For some reason I get anxious when no one’s around. Even if I had a roommate and he was just watching TV in another room, it’d take away some of the isolation. The other thing that makes me anixious is the feeling that I’m missing something. When you’re not networked ith friends you miss things, you end up spending a night staring at the walls and talking to the houseplants and then find out that was the night everyone went to the concert downtown. I’m young and free, now’s the time to make the best of my youth and it makes me mad when I end up wasting nights/weekends doing nothing. No isolation for now thank you.

Currently listening :
Lusis/Fathom
By Mortal
Release date: By 17 March, 2000

 

My Mind is Stuck in My Head

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Current mood:  working

I wonder if I just make a huge deal out of everything or do I really think different than everyone else. Is it an illusion that I’m oil and you all are water and I suffer the consequence of a negative mindset or do I really walk the distant edge of the right brain? I’m so confused. I don’t want a world of me’s, but I do wish I could find someone who understood me.Be yourself they say, but what if being yourself meant always being on the outside looking in? I know everyone has times of feeling left out and different, but it seems to be a theme in my life. I’m a loner, but I don’t want to be.

Currently listening :
Every Day Life
By Disgruntled
Release date: By 01 March, 1996

 

 

Change is Good…Right?

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Current mood:  distressed

I know I need to go, but I don’t want to. They’re like family here.

Currently listening :
New Musiq Volume 2
By Plastiq Musiq
Release date: By 08 May, 2001

 

 

What Others Think

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Why do we all care so much about what others think of us? Isn’t it admirable when someone can be who they are and not care what others think? Well, I think we all care no matter how much we say we don’t. Everybody wants to be liked and accepted by others-it’s our nature. So when it comes to looks we’re all touchy about it, no matter how good looking or ugly you are, you are worried about your looks. Am I right? Well I gotta run.

Currently listening :
Reignite
By Prodigal Sons
Release date: By 18 June, 1996
9:53 PM – 2 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

 

The Sunshine

Current mood:  restless

Nothing makes me more restless than sitting in here at work when it’s a BEAUTIFUL day outside!!! 😦 I know by the time I get off it will be dark 😦 How sad!!

Currently listening :
Supernatural
By dc Talk
Release date: By 22 September, 1998

 

 

A Full Time Consciousness of God

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Current mood:  sore

Yesterday a lot of my friends took off for spring break so I was kind of prepared for a lonely day. I rode my bike to Sherwood Park and got a good sunburn while reading The Purpose Driven Life. Rick talks about how worship is commonly misunderstood as only the singing part of church. Really we should learn to be constantly worshipping God and we can do this simply by enjoying His creation or using the gifts He gave us. That is SO cool. I hope to be able to train myself to remember that whenever I’m drawing that way I will always be thinking of Him. Things are so much better when we remember God….

Currently listening :
You Are Obsolete
By House of Wires
Release date: By 22 September, 1998

 

 

The Faith

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Current mood:  hungry

Today was my first experience at a Catholic Church. I’ve never really thought about it much-the differences between Protestant & Catholic. I grew up Southern Baptist and have been going to non-denominational churches since I started college. Yesterday Lawrence and I were discussing the differences. Growing up I guess I have always had a negative feeling about Catholicism. I guess I need to learn more about it before judging that way though. Thus my visit to the Immaculate Heart of Mary today. It was interesting. The rituals are about what I expected from what the movies have taught me. I sort of have this feeling that the body of Christ is diverse and there are reasons and uses He has for different sects and denominations. There is a line though. There is a point when you’re not a Christian anymore. I believe that is when you don’t believe in the deity of Christ. But that causes a huge argument with some people (The Way International/Jehovah’s Witnesses) Well, that’s my thought for the day.

Currently listening :
Aborigination
By Hydro
Release date: By 13 January, 1998

 

 

 

SO much I want to do.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Current mood:  hopeful

Have you ever decided to try something new. Something you could have done a long time ago but for whatever reason just never tried. For me that is skateboarding. Part of the reason I decided to try this is because I just took up snowboarding this year and it had been SOOOO much fun. I have been missing out on this AWESOME sport all my life. Not that I’m any good right now, but I am to the point where I can stay up long enough to have fun. So then I got to thinking, if I can do that, why not try skateboarding? After falling on my elbow real hard I decided I should probably buy health insurance before I bust my arm :0 So later when I got home I was looking at my skateboard, my snowboard, my guitar, my digital camera…all these things-and thinking I wish I had time to master each one. Like when I DJed at KMSA…I wish I still had a show, I wish I was still in a band getting better at the bass, I wish I had time to really learn photography instead of just fooling around, I wish I could afford rock climbing gear and a dirt bike, I want to try surfing and sky-diving. One of my goals in life is to be an extra in a movie (if only I had the time to go out for plays and take acting classes) or at least sit down and finish the script to Life is Now (me and some friends are makin’ a movie) I want to learn how to make animation the way Mike Judge did when he first started Beavis and Butthead. I want to be able to concentrate harder so I can write my novel that I have started. I want to help lead a youth group and be a positive leader in kid’s lives and teach them wisdom that my dad taught me. I want to ride horses again. I want not just to sponsor a child but to really see to it that he/she gets the food/clothes whatever they need. I want to interview bands and write reviews for Rollingstone Magazine. I want to get a cartoon published in the New Yorker. So many of these things I CAN do. But where do you find the time??? And how do you keep the motivation high enough to follow through with these endeavors? Maybe God doesn’t want our lives to be filled with so much. Maybe he wants us to focus on our Gift and Him….?

Currently listening :
Songs in the Key of You
By The Huntingtons
Release date: By 23 October, 2001

 

 

 

Truncation of Expected Continuation in a Supposed Lonely State

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Current mood:  restless

This fragile state was so unexpected. I hope it is just as temporary. I never knew how hollow I would feel living alone wihtout family or at least a roommate. And I have always longed for female companionship but I never knew I would be in a state of needing it (or feeling like I need it) and be so anxious as the years pass by and nothing of any significance developes. I have felt so different from all the people around me because 99% of them got married in the last 2 or 3 years. But recently I have found a few guys who are in the same boat and listening to them talk I can’t believe it, it’s like hearing myself talk. They, in one way or another feel exactly like I do. This is both comforting and upsetting at the same time. Its nice to know you’re not alone, but its scary to know that many of still haven’t figured out this relationship stuff. These friends of mine and myself, we find it so very strange that it seems like the female population in the 22 or so to 27 & 28 range (and maybe further) seemed to have dwindled to a mere handful scattered throughout this valley. And then you’re faced with the weirdness of well, this girl or that one is the your age, but you don’t have any feelings for her…why not? I don’t know…it’s like you need a large pool of people to find the right one. We all had this large pool in High School and college and our lucky/better looking/smarter/more outgoing? friends took advantage of the many choices, jumped at the opportunity when they had a crush on a girl, and now they are the ones who are married. Those of us still seeking find ourselves in the working world with mostly older and married adults, separated from people our age. There’s got to be a way out of this. I keep thinking I’m just not going to the right places or something…but I am social and I go out a lot…so I guess it’s just this town. OK, I think I’m rambling….

Currently listening :
Numb
By Klank
Release date: By 11 April, 2000

 

I Faced the Freak that Ate Others (A Short Story)

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Current mood:  working

After really well made movies I tend to walk out of the theatre with the atmosphere clinging to me like steam out of a hot shower. Depending on what I do directly after, that atmosphere can stick the rest of the night and possibly the next day. This was one of those nights and it was only furthered by some books I had perused earlier that day. I crossed the quickly emptied parking lot and started my SUV. Starflyer 59’s “Underneath” on the “Old” album resumed where I left it earlier. As I drove away from my friends the cold black grew thick. It was too late to find refuge, I should have planned that earlier. I was going like 50 in a 40. I tried to reach out and grab anything that would calm me but a storm was brewing deep inside. I squeezed the steering wheel. Why was I driving so fast toward the nothing? I wanted to go anywhere but there. It was like I was on a track without the ability to stray. I cried out until my vocal chords hurt. When I got home it was there waiting for me. I kept thinking of where I thought the night COULD take me or where it MIGHT have taken me, but that track led me here. I tried to trick myself into believing I was home but this was not home. I needed to just go to bed, but I wasn’t ready. I tried to sort out my thoughts, but thats when I found the freak, right there in bedroom. I couldn’t tell if it was a he or a she. It attacked me knocking me to the floor. It tried to slash me with a knife only grazing my skin. The damn thing had mind powers, deceiving me into giving up. All this stuff was going through my mind: Johnny Rotten, Iggy Pop, Traci Lords, Brian Warner, the Romones, drugged out rockstars, cross dressers, cocaine, loss of innosence, sex and dirty loss of inhibitions. I wrestled the freak on the edge of sanity until we almost fell into the fire. His or her black lips and eye make up will stick in my head forever. The freak stuck a gun to my head and I quickly gripped the barrel and pushed it away from my face. I held it away and it tried to force it back in my face. I was stronger than the freak until it used its mind powers on me. It told me I was a freakin loser,too messed up in the head to really accomplish anything in life. The bleakness peeled the paint off the walls and cockroaches were coming out of the cracks. Tears filled my eyes as the air got thick. Color seemed to fade and I started to let the gun moved back to my head. The freak looked more like a girl…a good looking girl with all her makeup, shiney lipstick, eyeliner, big earrings, smooth skin and soft hair. I started wanting the freak. Then, it must have been the Lord Himself slapping me across my tranced face. I saw in the freak’s eyes black mud. The black eyeliner she had on was really a hole, deep darkness. I stepped back and realized the freak was actually more like a guy in drag. It made my stomach queezy. I moved quickly snatching the gun from his hands and throwing it out of reach. I pulled the “soft hair” which was wig off his head. What a fraud, how could I have been so blind? Then I realized this freak had been eating people. He ate their free will. As I realized all this I began to feel exausted. I didn’t feel like thinking about all this anymore, I didn’t feel like facing it. The freak disappeared in the dark in embarrassment. I finally went to bed at 4:30 in the morning.

The End

Currently listening :
Collective
By Stavesacre
Release date: By 06 November, 2001

 

 

The Ever-growing Blindspot in Our Existence

Thursday, May 05, 2005

The more I try to think about this the more exhausted it makes me; thus proving my point. I sometimes think that somehow I became aware of a blindspot in my knowledge of my existence and my relationship to God. The blindspot is caused by the decadence of our world by The Curse. The world is in increasing entropy and though our technology is skyrocketing, we are getting dumber. It seems like people are smarter now today than ever because our level of intelligence is based on so much artificiality. If you look back in the past you see how our fulfillment was more and more based on real things and ultimately God. I can’t prove this (which I blame on the blindspot) Once in a while I get a picture in my head of how big God is and how EVERYTHING is a part of His plan no matter how confusing it is to us and I see my relationship to God (I am His creation which He loves and He desires my love in return) and it like wow…this all makes sense, why don’t I see this everyday-every moment? I’m so blind to the realness of God…it’s like normally he’s just words and afterthoughts and “I’ll get to Him when i have more time” because everything in the present is fighting for and winning my attention. So that’s the blindspot, blocking out the Lord and it’s growing like a freaking cancer but so subtle that we don’t even realize. How much longer God, before this unfairness to your glory is over??

Currently listening :
Films for Radio
By Over the Rhine
Release date: By 13 March, 2001

 

Dreamland

Sunday, May 15, 2005

I am fascinated by dreams. They’re so mysterious and mine always seem to border on being scary. I try to write them down when I remember enough or I’m not running late in the morning. It’s like your head is creating stories and situations without your direct control – almost like stuff is coming from nowhere (except the obvious influence of your waking life). I had this one dream back in October that was full of what seemed to be symbolism (or symbology-ha ha) and evil images and I thought maybe it was a sign from God and I wanted to know what it meant. I dreamt sometime last week that my friend Ben died and now over a week later I still get this strange feeling when I see him or when someone talks about him. I could go on about dreams. Hey, wanna come over and I’ll fire up the lava lamp and make some cappuccinos and we can talk about our weird dreams until 3am?

Currently listening :
Visions
By Faith Massive
Release date: By 31 August, 1999

How to Make Blogs Readable

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

My first blog ever I was wondering if anyone would ever read this stuff. Then my friend Charity said she wanted to make a shirt that reads “Nobody Reads Your Blog”. And I had to admit, that is probably so true…well not totally because some people HAVE read SOME of them. But I got to thinking, why would I expect anyone to read mine if I don’t read theirs? But how can you? Of your 50 or so friends, they each have months and months worth of thoughts…which is soooooo cool…all this conscious streaming that is somewhat permanent….. So here’s what I’m going to do (time permitting) I’m just going to pick a random friend and read ALL their blogs and try to listen to whatever CD they were listening to when they wrote it. I bet I could learn a lot. So when you read this, you should listen to the new Weezer, ha ha. Man you really freak me out.

Currently listening :
Make Believe (Dig)
By Weezer
Release date: By 10 May, 2005

Shocking

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Man…it’s weird to think that people can still tell me things about their life that can shock me. I’ve had so many friends and family go through the most horrible things and do the most amazing things, yet I’m still meeting people who defy all the boundaries in my head. Shocking thing #1 this week: I found out Kurt Lincoln used to have an older brother who died in a car wreck. #2 Daryle Linsey’s mom died. Man the pain some people have seen and the pittlely crap I wine about. I have this friend who is 2 years younger than me and he was in the army for about 1 year and a half until he got lupus in one kidney and had it removed. He owns a house, was engaged until she broke up with him. Yet he continues his extreme life style of  rock climbing, ice climbing, kayaking, skydiving, bungee jumping, wake boarding…you name it, he does it. I’m such a dork, I just learned how to snowboard at 26… Today I just learned something that shocked me…On Easter Sunday there was a bad accident involving an SUV and a child being ejected from the sun roof. The adults were being charged with child abuse…I read about it in the paper shortly afterward. Well today I found out I know the adults involved….weird….

Currently listening :
Monogamy
By House of Wires
Release date: By 11 January, 2000

 

I love You Guys

Sunday, June 19, 2005

I have so many friends…I am so blessed. I wish I had time to tell each one of you how much you mean to me and how I admire each one of you in different ways. Some of you are so selfless and I wish I could be that way…giving rides to people all over the valley when gas is so expensive, helping others in need when you’re missing hanging out with friends, etc. With all the trials you have been through, I feel like I’ve never really had that hard of times in comparison. I’m thankful that you’ve been a part of my life.

Currently listening :
Lovely
By Honey

 

Don’t Be Yourself

Sunday, July 03, 2005

I thought an earring, or earrings looked kind of cool on me. I think they reflect who I am and what I’m into. They’re rock n’ roll, they’re skater/punk. No I don’t need them and look just fine (well…maybe just plain) without them. I have felt like they put me on common ground with people of similar interests as me. There is the factor (shallow as it may sound) of girls liking them – two (or three?) different girls whose opinion on the matter meant a lot to me, encouraged me to get the second piercing. My girlfriend last summer told me she liked the pictures of me with my earring (at that point I hadn’t worn it in about 2 years) I like that of my closest friends I’m the only one who has them because it’s like my thing…my uniqueness. One of my best friends in high school (Nick) had like three in one ear and a couple in the other. My best bud in college (Josh) had two in his left ear and I liked the way he stuck to his guns no matter what anybody said. I don’t even know if he could give you a reason for wearing them, but he didn’t need one. So why am I feeling like an idiot right now? The only people who have told me they didn’t like my earrings were my dad and my old roommate (Benson). Well, last night I getting a club to play Putt Putt and the guy asked if I was there with my girlfriend -I said no, I don’t have a girlfriend, a little confused at why he’d ask that. Then he said, with your boyfriend? And then I was offended and said no. When I told this to my friend, he said it was because of the earrings and that I should take them out and I don’t need the stupid things. It just made me feel stupid. How many people have thought I was gay all this time? I know I shouldn’t care what anyone thinks (I mean, if you know me then you KNOW I’m not gay) But I don’t know…isn’t there a point when you SHOULD care what other people are saying. Maybe if you listen to them they will help you realize that you are doing something dumb. How embarrassing if people have thought I was gay instead of thinking I’m artistic or a musician or whatever. Be yourself, plow straight through scorning and comments. Oh well I always thought I’d stop wearing them when I got to be around 30.

Old by Starflyer 59

stress in your life

it’s you’ve been untrue

there’s been nothing new

forever

a look in your eyes

you look twice your age

you’ve been almost through

forever

was this a training brood

they all passed us by

I wish they’d look at me

before I’m the one that cried

have you noticed that we’re all getting old?

we’re all getting old

the look in your eyes

you look half my age

what have you been through

not much ever

was this a training brood

they all passed us by

I wish they’d look at me

before I’m the one that cried

have you noticed that we’re all getting old?

we’re all getting old

we’re all getting old

Currently listening :
Old
By Starflyer 59
Release date: By 20 May, 2003

 

Rooms I Can’t Explain

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Have you ever been struck with a vivid memory when you crossed the path of a strong aroma? Smells have a way of clearing all the distractions from your mind and bringing to a very specific moment in your memory. One time I smelled a scented candle in one of those obscure novelty shops on main street. Suddenly I remembered being like 8 years old and mom was in the kitchen making cinnamon raisen oatmeal cookies. And sort of like deja vu, related memories flooded in with it. A life I lived and I had forgotten so long ago. Those aroma sparked memories are something I think all of us have experienced. But there is another sort of thought that often comes up in my head that is so hard to explain that I don’t know if I’ve known of anyone else having the same sort of event. These thoughts are probably what a Hindu would believe to be memories from a past life. They are like rooms in my mind. They come up unexpectedly, triggered by what I don’t know (not a smell or anything outwardly sensory) It’s more like they are triggered by my mood. Some of the “instances” are reoccurring. There is one of a tree house (maybe on a tropical island) with a fruit basket near the window. Another is a 50’s style house with the Jetson’s on TV. The more I try to focus in on them the more blurry the thought becomes. In one I’m looking at the orange late afternoon sun on a piece of wood paneling and for some reason I know I’m in a house deep in a forest in the mountains. Some of them may be remnants of actual memories as this brings to mind being in the living room area of the house I grew up in and looking out south windows (that were covered when my dad added on to the house in 1984) at a storm outside. There was “snow” or “white noise” on the TV and the wind came in through an open window. Maybe that really is a memory, but it feels so weird and different…more like a dream… What ever they are, I have lots of them and it happens often.

Currently listening :
Love
By The Juliana Theory
Release date: By 04 February, 2003

 

Mind Reeling and Subsequent Disappointment

Monday, August 08, 2005

It’s weird how life is the same mundane thing day after day after day and then suddenly one exciting thing happens. It’s like that event was clogging the tube of blessings from heaven and when it pops out a bunch of other stuff falls down. For a short while your trying to figure out why you’re so happy and what you should do with all these new opportunities and then before you know it the mundane is following close behind to eat and destroy all your new fun. I was just on Kauai for a week-the trip went off without a hitch but so dang fast… Saturday one of my best friends, Benson (and Paul) played a show at the Rockslide (Benny B and the Roach). People LOVED them. I can’t believe i’m surrounded by so many talented friends. Benson said I could design his CD cover and as people are greeting him after the show like a famous person (as I’m sure he will one day be) I’m just thinking, cool, this is my bud and all these people are asking him to play at their parties, etc. …Then I get an opportunity to play again….

Currently listening :
Underground Resistance
By Sheltershed

 

My Intermittent Connectedness

Monday, August 15, 2005

Most of the time I’m pretty sure I’m a human boy. I have eyes, hair, skin, teeth, toes and fingers. I communicate, I eat, I work, I play. But all too often I see inconsistencies with my behaviors as compared to “everybody”. Too many times my actions are in stark contrast to what I perceive as “normal” and when others see these things they laugh, they mock, they questions. These actions usually seem perfectly common place to me until someone points them out to me. I write about this in hope that someone reading it may feel less awkward about theirself if they are like this in any way. Things that are stirring me now include: my obsessive compulsiveness with my CDs and DVDs. I have each of them numbered and they stay in their order. I am a very “scheduled” person. I eat breakfast lunch and dinner every day. I take a shower, brush my teeth and shave every night before bed. I work 5 days a week and become very agitated when I am forced to stay over or work a different schedule.For breakfast I have almost the same thing every day: cereal, and lunch I eat the same sandwich, chips, apple, carrots and cookie everyday. Not because I like them so much, but because it works, I keep my self fed and I don’t have the time to brainstorm new breakfasts/lunches everyday. I have a problem with my material possessions, I keep everything. I keep them because I see it as stupid to buy something and only use it a little before throwing it away. I was taught growing up to use something until it couldn’t be used anymore. Most of the ways I was taught I see as very solid and logical (i.e. how to make, spend and save money) although they seem to run contrary to everyone around me. I am shy around people I don’t know. I was taught to respect elders (not treat them just as you would someone your own age) I’m slow at learning things like golf or the guitar. I’m a slow reader (I like to think it’s because I try to soak up what I read) I am frequently told I dance bad-very stiff. People are always coaching me when I do sports because my lack of natural ability is so quickly evident. The result of my behaviors when observed in relation to my closest friends is that I am left feeling awkward and out of place. This makes it an uphill battle to have self-confidence. It makes me feel better when I hear about right brain versus left brain thinking. Usually the creative/artist types think with the right brain leaving them in a state of non-conformity and sort of “backward” compared to most people. Nice, there’s a reason for this weirdness I am feeling.

Currently listening :
Far from Nowhere
By Slick Shoes
Release date: By 08 July, 2003

 

Rehash

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The way I’m feeling right now is of course really important to me, but there’s no reason it should be important to you. I’m just rehashing the same crap over and over. So I’m sure you don’t care. Where are all the single Christian girls over 21 in this town? Blah blah blah. Josh stop whining. Are they really non-existent? Or what???? If there are any left they must be at some other church, place of work or wherever I’m not. This is so frustrating.

Currently listening :
The Battle of Los Angeles
By Rage Against the Machine
Release date: By 26 September, 2000

 

A Legendary Performance

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Tonight I was witness to an event that I might be called on to talk about on VH1 Behind the Music 30 years from now. Benson and his roommates had a huge party at their house. Their house being right across the street from Mesa State made it a hot spot on this Friday night for the college party seekers. Through out the course of the night I would say several hundred people were in that house.

At around9:30/ 10 or so Benson (with Paul on guitar and Rodney and Eric switching off on bass) began to play.  Benson never stopped except once when the party got roudy outside. Now, having been Benson’s roommate and having been close and at times best friends with him, I have heard Benson sing many many times. Tonight he was on fire. He rocked the party all night long and around 1 or 1:30am he tried to tell everyone he was done but they kept making him sing just one more. He sang until his throat was hurting and he coudn’t sing anymore. He said “I’m done” and turned off the equipment. Everyone one in the house BEGGED him to sing Run to the Rocks just one more time and the began chanting “Benson! Benson!” But he couldn’t. He sang himself out tonight.

Currently listening :
A Beautiful Mind: Original Motion Picture Score
By James Horner
Release date: By 11 December, 2001

 

Jesus Pull Me Through

Friday, September 02, 2005

Have you ever had one of those weird days when all sorts of unrelated bad or weird things happen. Yesterday was like that for me. As if hurricane Katrina was enough (and seeing pictures of that on the internet), I had a really stressful night at work. I noticed there was a message on my cell phone after Daniel called me. It was from my mom. My Granny died yesterday. All the sudden all the crap I was doing at work slip out of the working part of my mind. I tried to finish the job but I couldn’t think about it. I knew she was in bad health all this summer and I was too damn busy to send her a card. I haven’t seen her since 1994 and I didn’t know that’d be the last time. And I’m not so sure she was saved. I could have had so much more influence on her. Yeah, she lived in Alabama…but I could have written her telling her how much the Lord has done in my life…. Man, I can’t think about it, what if she wasn’t saved? Could my Grandma be going to hell? This really forces me to think about what I believe.

So anyway, after work Lawrence and I sat on the curb for a minute and this girl came fom across the street, obviously tweeked out. She looked at us and said “Why are you waiting for them?” and then headed over to a house in the alley where we think we saw a guy peeking into a window.

Then Lawrence, SteveO and I went down to main street to skate. We saw some other kids on long boards and followed them down to the two-rivers convention center. Then we saw this guy (he was dressed like a college guy, with warm-up pants a white t-shirt and a 3 ring binder in his hand) he was standing on the side walk and was either drunk or tweeking. He was yelling at the top of his voice “NOOOOOOOO!!” and groaning as if his whole family had just died or he just caught his finace with another man. Those other guys longboarding went to talk to him and it almost looked like he was going to start a fight. They said he said something about not belongng on this planet. A little later a cop car pulled up by us and turned on her lights over on 4th street. She asked us what was up.

Then I wake up today to get a call from my boss about that job I left undone last night. The stress at work is eating me alive. Jesus pull me through.

Currently listening :
Drummer Boy
By Jars of Clay
Release date: By 25 November, 1997

I Love Jazz

Monday, September 12, 2005

There’s something about about a McDonald’s lobby on a cold winter day in downtown Denver that is at the same time depressing and yet intriguing to me. The one thing that seems to bring that vague memory back is jazz. I think it was probably one of the many trips I took as a child to Denver so that my mom could get radiation treatments for her cancer. Such bleak days for two little boys (my brother and I) who loved their momma so much. At the same time though we were seeing the city and it was so big and so different from our small home town. Jazz is classy and sets the mood immediately. When I meet that special girl, she will get dinner for two by candle light with jazz in the background. For now its the perfect background music while I draw my comic strips.

Currently listening :
Jazz for the Open Road
By Various Artists
Release date: By 03 November, 1998

The Culmination Montage

Monday, September 19, 2005

There have been a few movies that have used this but the one that comes to mind is Soul Survivors. If you havn’t seen it, it’s about this girl that has just started college and get into a wreck. After the wreck she has a hard time distinguishing reality from dreams. Toward the end of the movie there is this montage a lot like a music video that shows her running around in all these different dreams and real places all intertwined as she tries to figure out what’s real and what’s not. Lately I have been writing down my dreams as soon as I wake up again. It makes them stay in my head longer and they’re piling up and taking more significance in my mind. I’m starting to have them linger right back there with the things I did this week in real life. Weird. A few of them have been about my brother so I feel like I’ve seen him lately but I havn’t seen him since the air show. And I’m planning on seeing him tonight…it’s all getting mixed and swirled around in my head. I should post my dreams here and see if any of you can decipher them! They’re so weird.

Currently listening :
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: By 27 August, 2002

 

 

Weird Weather, a Guy in the Garage and Strange Dreams

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I wish I could release in the physical the way I can release in my mind when I concentrate hard enough. Let go of the impending deadlines and soak up the paintings I see and from which I draw inspiration. I want to paint the feelings and moments that are coloring my conscience but I don’t have the time. Three friends, now roommates sitting in their living room in the dark while the sky outside is abnormally electric. Talking to the tune of their fireplace about the newest hurricane, excited yet a little scared that the end is seeming more and more near. Gary in the garage slept through laughter that was ignited by Giant Random Baby and sipping wine from cucumbers. Gary in the garage. Damn it. I don’t want an old, smelly drifter in my house. But what would Jesus do? Jesus would give him the shirt off his back. Steven, I applaud you for being Jesus to this man. You have humbled yourself beyond what I could do. It’s just that…I have so much to worry about, and this is one more thing. Aren’t you intrigued by your dreams? Floating in the sky on a balloon is fun, and watching Jesus and two thieves being whipped and crucified is terrifying in black and white. Someday I will capture that in a painting. Someday.

Currently listening :
Aenima
By Tool
Release date: By 01 October, 1996

 

2 a.m. Ramblings

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

It was going good in my mind. We could go together like the ocean and the beach. Not because we were exactly alike, but because we were living with the same eyes to reality. Today was orange and you would agree it wasn’t so much autumn as it was the typical cracked sidewalks and busted parking stones of a desert town. You were empathetic to my melancholy. Some wanted to pitch tents in the wilderness and it’s true, they were very attractive. But you were drawn to the room where you paint because you couldn’t let the day pass without capturing that idea that pulsed through your mind. Can I explain it any more clear? You were falling in love because you were able to soak up the moment when we danced in the falling snow with Frank Sinatra playing on the radio. You imagined me fixing the family car on Saturday and how you could lay your head on my chest and feel secure and then I fulfilled your expectations. I had to tell myself to hold off longer as tonight passed like countless others without a solution and not really any leads. I’m learning to live alone but I still don’t like it. I’m learning not to need, but I still want it. So all I can do is write a stupid blog, and swallow hard as I bottle it all back up.

Currently listening :
Island
By Steve Jablonsky
Release date: By 26 July, 2005

Their Melodies Spiked: A Legendary Performance Part II

Monday, October 24, 2005

I met this corky g-funk homeboy in basic art my freshman year. He annoyed me because he called everyone including the teacher “Cuz”. He seemed so ghetto fake. But then I had him in some other Graphic Art classes and I learned he was an eccentric perfectionist with his art. Somewhere along the way I found out that his “thing” was break dancing. Toward the end of our college years I remember leaving the art building after a long days of class ready to think of anything but school-but Tim? He would stay in that building all night long because he couldn’t stop on his painting or Graphic Design project. Somewhere along the lines I became aware of his “brainchild”, a hip-hop festival called Skillfest. He has been putting them on (I think bi-annually) and working his tail of around the year to garner sponsorships and get breakdancers from all over the country to show up and battle. For the past month or so he likes to show up at the Copy shop I work at (right when I’m ready to close) and make his flyers for Skillfest. Often times busting out dance moves while waiting on the copiers and we talk about Jesus. So Saturday night I finally made it to my first Skillfest. B-Boys from New Mexico, Arizona, Utah and Colorado came together for “Corners Collide”. The night started out slowly with all the breaker teams registering and gained momentum all night. There were kids as young as like 8 years old through probably 28 or so, there were as many white dancers as anyone, there were teams made up of all girls. I was blown away by what these kids could do. I looked over at Tim as his festival not only came together but shined and i thought, this guy is driven. His brother Haven is part of a rap duo called Illfluent and they along with a couple other rappers and some M.C.’s kept the music live and loud. I watched in amazement as all these races and ages came together and cheered the breakers on. These guys and girls had practiced (some of them probably their whole lives) so hard and now they could show off what they did, their thing, their melody. …

Currently listening :
Pinkerton
By Weezer
Release date: By 24 September, 1996

Anguish by Anxiety

Sunday, October 30, 2005

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God,”  If I could only live that. I wish. I think I mentioned in an earlier blog how I didn’t even have time think about my Grandma before she died because I have been so busy at work. Plus I have been working nights AND days. My biorhythms are off. The thing that I am in most turmoil about right now is the fact that I can’t stay close to ALL my friends. I want to so bad but it just can’t happen. They all go different directions and you’ll tear yourself apart trying to go with all of them.

10-31-05 Oh, here’s the verse I was looking for:

Prov. 18:24.  The NIV says that a man of too many companions may come to ruin. Other versions change it saying that some friends pretend to be friends or something…. It seems hard to believe there is something wrong with having having too many friends. But when you’re letting a friend down because you are spending time with another, I guess that’s when you have too many friends? I don’t know. What do you all think?

Currently listening :
It’s Never Enough
By Ace Troubleshooter
Release date: By 23 March, 2004

 

The Neighborhood

Monday, November 07, 2005

On a densely populated street on the outskirts of a large city sat a house, or several houses as a matter of fact. Every one of those houses was a variation of the same cream, light grey or white two story 3 bedroom house with a two car garage. Each one had a perfectly mowed lawn that lead right to the uncracked sidewalk. This was Morten’s neighborhood. He really didn’t know his neighbors, actually couldn’t tell you which one lived in what house.

Today as Morten started  his SUV and back out of his driveway he thought about the 2nd floor office near downtown where he worked. His cubical was well lit and he was always busy with some sort of task at hand. Right now he found it hard to concentrate on work as he observed the neighbor’s houses. Everyday at 7:37 am he passed those same houses and here he was passing them again. As the monotonous feeling washed over him, he began to get an eerie sensation. It was as if he had snapped out of a trance and was at once able to recognize an all encompassing truth.

A stupid thought crossed his mind. ‘I think I havn’t left the neighborhood. Not today, not yesterday…never….’ What? How could that be? That’s insane!

At the end of the day on his way back home, he observed the houses again, this time with the reflection of the setting sun on their west sides and at once that mornings thoughts flooded back into his mind.

To be continued….

Currently listening :
Dig Your Own Hole
By Chemical Brothers
Release date: By 08 April, 1997

 

The Unpredictable Path

Monday, November 14, 2005

Category: Life

I just found out that Julie & Luke Wever had a baby on the 4th. This comes right when Paula & Dan’s baby is (has?) coming and Luke Kylee just had #2. Life is moving right along. For some reason though this news always makes me feel like my own life is standing still…caught in a time freeze. I’m still where all these friends were in their last two years of college. It’s easy to see the mile stones when there are things like-meeting the “one”, getting engaged (wow, I remember the first few of these and what big news it was…), getting married (that used to seem so weird, that MY friends were getting married), now they’re all buying houses and having kids! And then there’s me…I…um…worked….and worked….um….I dated a girl for a few weeks…..um…..yeah. And the thing that makes this latest news all the more moving to me is that I had a huge crush on Julie my sophomore year in college. At that first moment I saw her at a Campus Crusade meeting we were walking on the same road of college and not knowing where we would be afterward and not knowing for sure who(if anyone) we even liked in that group. And then our I watched as our paths separated just a little when Luke came along and I kept a little hope that-you know, if things didn’t work out for them….. Then after a year or so it was apparent they were meant to be. Our paths forked further apart when they got engaged and further when the moved away from Junk Town and took off on adventurous missions with YWAM and of course when they got married. Now in my 4th year out of college, they just bought a house…and now they have a family and once in long while I see a picture of them. It’s not that I still have feelings for her, don’t get me wrong… It’s just crazy to see the contrast. For some reason I never predicted I would be so different than all my friends of that time: Julie & Luke, Jesse & Rhonda, Luke & Kylee, Josh & Jennie, Wes & Rebecca, Jared & Katie, Kristi & Caleb, Tami & Josh, Troy & Danielle, Kevin & Jenay, Joel & Christy, Chris & Kim, Dan & Paula, Jason & Pam, Justin & Courtney, Kevin & Rene, Jacob & Amanda (and many I’m sure I forgot) these were my closest friends back in the day. I was one of them. Now I’m so far away. “Will you marry me?” such a life changing question multiplied over and over. Okay, back to my world. Singlenessss.

Currently listening :
Obrigado Brazil Live in Concert
By Nilson Matta
Release date: By 10 February, 2004

 

I sick an tiredishit

Saturday, November 26, 2005

While it may not be my favorite genre, I do like rap and I’m fairly interested in its past and how Run DMC played a huge part in the beginning of rap music. And I thought it was cool when I found out Run is a preacher. But whenI saw a couple episodes of Run’s House this weekend (trying to find some music videos on MTV which is all but impossiblethese days) I was sickened. Maybe it was a combination of all these damn reality shows together. But I’m so sick of these disgusting rich people and making TV shows about them planning parties and wanting to invite 200 people and spend, I’m not kidding you $10,000 JUST to cover the pool in plexiglass so they can dance over it. This was Run’s daughter and when he seemed a little edgy (but by no means ready to say no) she looked like she was about to cry (and later did when Run told her only 60 people could come-do you even realize how many people 60 is for a birthday party??) Well she didn’t get the pool covered and at the end of the show Run was proud of her for accepting that and he rewarded her with a brand new BMW. As the music came on it was like this huge happy moment and she ran out to see this brand new car sitting out there for her and then I got this picture in my head of this kid I saw in Relevant Magazine, about her age except he was from sub-saharan Africa and he already had AIDS and he parents were dead and he lived in a stick shack and wore the same clothes every day. He didn’t want a BMW for his birthday, he wanted a new pair of shoes. These celebrities are so full of themselves and their stupid dramas it makes me want to throw up! That girl was going to give all of her party guests iPods-and her dad is preacher!!! Do they know Jesus? Come on Run, tell your little girl about Jesus and how Jesus would give the shirt off His back to the sick and poor. How about give the cost of and iPod for each of your 200 pArty guests and give it to Compassion International, World Vision or Blood for Water Mission? One freaking iPod could build a well for a town. Grr, just had to vent!

Currently reading :
Monster
By Frank Peretti
Release date: By 12 April, 2005

 

Crushing My Spirit

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

There’s so many better things to write about, but I can’t even begin to think until there is an outlet to my stress. My job seems to get more stressful everyday. I have about 5 times as many jobs as when I started here and yesterday I got word that the store is in the negative as far profit. They are paying me more than my position is pulling in. How can this be???? Also this girl quit which kills any hope of a better schedule (actually the schedule is getting a lot worse) This stress is killing me. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle stress? Help me!!!!!!

 

NARNIA Don’t Read This Until You’ve Seen It!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

As the movie started my stomach tensed. I think this is the only book to movie that I really cared how well they did on the movie. I was nervous because I knew many people who have not read the books would introduced to the Chronicles through this movie. There is SO much at stake here.

I first had the books (only up to the Dawn Treader) read to my brother and I by our mom and then several years ago I was on a CS Lewis kick because of the Space Trilogy (Man I can’t wait for THAT movie, ha ha) and decided to read all 7 Chronicles. So many things go through your head while you’re reading them that make you think ‘wow, that’d make stunning imagery in movie’ . Then there are things like the childlike innocent style that these books were written-how do you make sure to stay true to that fantasy world that Lewis created?

I have to say I was not disappointed. While the book is always better than the movie because it is story that is played ot in your own imagination (and anything can look or feel the way you want it to) they did a fantastic job of sticking to the book (even word for word in most cases) They also also did a terrific battle scene (much like the ones we’ve seen a lot of lately in Lord of the Rings, Braveheart, Kingdom of Heaven, etc. etc.) only the difference here, there was no blood and gore. I don’t think we thought that was possible, but they pulled it off. This kept the movie in that realm of childhood fantasy so that any kid can watch it. I also enjoyed the fact that all the characters had English accents. This stays true to Lewis and keeps it authentic.

I can’t wait till the next of the Chronicles!!

Currently listening :
The Passion of the Christ (Score)
By John Debney
Release date: By 24 February, 2004

 

Moments of Unrealized Significance

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Such a familiar action for me: holding a piece of 2×4 or something while my dad drills a screw in tight. My whole life he has never stopped building to the house. I can vaguely remember 1984, sitting among stud walls and timber as my brother and I pretended to help build the “New Room” to the house. Now more than 20 years later he is adding to the loft in that house. And there I was again (On Thanksgiving) holding a cut and finished log level, my arms burning, as he put in the screw to hold it there. I looked over at him and everything  went silent. There was some soft bittersweet violin playing in my head as I thought about my dad, 20 years ago, nailing, sawing, cussing-much younger then with no gray in his beard. Now his face bore years of hard times, hard work, a few pretty serious injuries and lots more gray in the beard. Then I snapped out of it and stepped back. It looks nice, like a log cabin inside. That’s what mom & dad always wanted…a log cabin.

Currently listening :
Truth, Soul, Rock & Roll
By The Elms
Release date: By 22 October, 2002

 

 

 

 

2006

 

 

 

 

Her Quiet Composure Screamed at Me All Night

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Current mood:  impressed

Her eyes seem a little shy. I don’t know why I like that. Not like nerdy reclusive shy, but someone who really does not know that she is the most beautiful girl in the room.And that’s saying a lot, there were some really pretty girls there. I mean that physically and as people. What is it about her smile that says there is so much hidden treasure behind her eyes? I’ve definately been fooled by my perceptions like this before though….well, almost always…I imagine her the perfect fit for me just to be let down. I’m picky which I know sounds snobbish, but I promise that’s not what it is. If I decide I don’t like a girl it could be a number of reasons but it’s never because I think I’m too good for her (quite the opposite actually) The biggest reason (and I have had to distance myself from some awesome girls for this) is because I don’t feel like we could click (as friends ALWAYS, there’s never a reason we can’t be friends) but on a relationship basis I think our brainwaves have to dance to the same beat.Maybe I’m wrong about all this and passing up these wonderful girls is the dumbest thing I could possibly do, but in the few short relationships I have been in, it was my backwards thinking, right brained, mind that drove a wedge between us. The girl usually fought hard to keep us together but the feeling that she didn’t understand me permeated everything we talked about. So back to my beginning thought…how can I look at a girl’s face (and maybe just barely know her and her mannerisms) and think I’ve finally found the girl that fits? I don’t know…It’s probably really stupid to trust this feeling…..

Currently listening :
Technical Difficulties
By Hate Dept.
Release date: By 01 June, 1999

The Unstoppable Friendpire

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Current mood:  frustrated

Category: Life

OK, if you’re reading this perhaps it’s to get to know me better-so I might as well tell you one of my weaknesses. One of my downfalls is getting depressed about life when I come upon a circumstance that I cannot control. Right now that is work. Because of someone leaving the schedule has been jacked up almost as bad as it could be. I’m going to fight it, but I have a feeling that only thing I can do to change this (it happens a lot) is to threaten to leave them unless the give me a consistant schedule-and I can’t leave unless I have somewhere to go. I feel so trapped, so controlled by my job. Not just this job but work in general. It’s the evil force, the consequence of the curse. I hate work but I must love it to do well at it and I must do well at it to LIVE. It’s this force in life that says, if you want to eat and have your nice bed you sleep in and your car that gets you everywhere then you better not complain about having work!! So you’re FORCED to do something with 40 hours or more of your week, forced to talk to strangers and put on a fake smile for people that you wish would leave you alone. Your work schedule will always be there cutting you off from friends and family, suffocating you. Why is everything you want in life such a struggle, but things like that you dread will just happen without any help. There is one combatting force, unstoppable and just as unpredictable. That’s my friends. You guys were there BEFORE this stupid job and you’ll be wating for me on the other side. You’re my life raft. I thank the Lord above for you. You all make up the Friendpire. The Empire that stands with deeper foundations. Roots that penatrate my soul and trail off into eternity in heaven. When this blink called life finally gets out of the way, it will me with you guys and our Heavenly Father forever. Thank you for being there, thank you for caring, thank you for saving me from the gripping hand of lonely depression and the cold uncaring face of the working world.

Currently listening :
Visions
By Faith Massive
Release date: By 31 August, 1999

Steering Toward a Figure on the Distant Horizon

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Current mood:  worried

We all have respect for people who do “big” things in life-but what is our definition of “big”. Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to do anything “big” because I’m too afraid of losing what I have right now. Like I don’t move to a bigger city with more opportunities in my field because I have family and friends here and they (you) are more important to me than a fancy career. I know friends are always changing and you’ll have them where-ever you go, but the ones I have now- it seems like we’re really growing together. We’re doing things together and for others and it took a while to get where we are as friends. Back in the day I felt like this before with my J Boys and now they are all gone and married. It’s so unsettling how things are always changing, it’s like I’m always aiming toward a goal or person (or girl I like) on the distant horizon, but by the timeI get there circumstances have changed. I guess I need to make the approach quicker…or aim at something closer or work harder on making goals a reality. But I still don’t want to give you up. Let’s be friends until we’re old and grey.

Thank you for sharing your dreams with me and sometimes incorperating me. Thanks for letting down your guard and being a dork around me. Thanks for wasting time with me when you’re bored. Thanks for snowboarding, skateboarding, longboarding, playing guitar, making movies, eating out, laughing, praying, going to church, exploring old houses, swimming, paintballing with me.

Currently listening :
Kid A
By Radiohead
Release date: By 03 October, 2000

 

One Fine Night

Friday, March 03, 2006

Current mood:  melancholy

Have you ever had a party (and I’m not talking about a keggar where a million random people show up, but a party of  your close friends) that went off as well or better than planned? We just had one at our house for Lawrence’s birthday and I just have to say how blessed I am to have the friends I do. Everyone had so much fun. We listened to Yo Yo Ma and Miles Davis all night and tried about 10 different wines that everyone brought. All you girls that were there were stunning.

A lot of times when I have had a great night there is a little depression the next day. Everyone is gone and the remnants are all over the house. The dirty wine glasses, the crumbled cheesecake, burnt out candles and drops of spilled wine here and there. I rolled out of bed and hit play on my stereo-it was the Smashing Pumpkins, Adore…the first song Sheila. I havn’t quit listening to that CD all week and with it comes the essence of that night. The friends, the laughter. I love you guys. We must never be apart.

Currently listening :
Adore
By The Smashing Pumpkins
Release date: By 02 June, 1998

Hi, I’LL Treat You the Way You Should Be Treated…

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I can’t understand why I’m ignored by you. I learned my most unattractive feature was my self doubt and hatred, and so I killed that off-or at least stuffed it in a closet so no one could see. I learned that everyone can be attractive if they just show off their best side-brighten the atmosphere with their smile. I also learned to be more positive: life is not as hopeless as I let myself believe before. Yet with all these revelations and treating you like a best friend or the sister I never had, still you see right past me. I’m such a jerk though, I guess I only want you to see me because you’re not. One time you did and I didn’t really care….well…I did-I was flattered but I had others on my mind. I’m annoyed right now, because I see you getting hurt chasing after the wind. I want you know you are beautiful, smart and funny but if I tell you face to face it will be awkward and there will be a permanent uneasiness afterward. I for some reason can’t get you off my mind lately. I’m not ready to call it infatuation-just feelings I don’t understand.

I watched fingers plucking a blues riff. The words of a man much older than me sounding way too much like my own thoughts. I’m so scared by the speed of the clock. Sometimes I think I have’nt done too bad. Imade some sort of good impression on a few. Other times that all seems like a myth I made up to keep my sanity in place. I’ve exaggerated the number of “likes” and how much they were so I could stand on SOMETHING. Then times like right now I think back and can see the holes in my pep talks. Maybe I never did have relationships on the level I thought I did. Maybe I am oil in water and I’m just as strange as I always feared. I start to actually panic and try to think of a way to right that wrong if it is true-but I can’t, not unless I had a time machine to go back and redo everything. But it would all play just the same (if not, just a parallel life) because it’s who I am that had me sitting in  chair amongst friends feeling like I had nothing to say and that everything they said was the opposite of what I thought or felt.

Do you every get extremely angry at the “system” for stealing your youth from you? Or people standing right in your way when you spot a cute girl (or guy if you’re a girl) figuratively speaking. I feel like sometimes that I have stepped out of the way for so many people yet they will not aford me the same luxury. People/strangers have no thought or care that I am hurting inside and can’t care about THEIR deadlines or jobs. I feel like good choices I have made are now torturing me. This goodie goodie promise I have held on to since I was 15 seems to be blocking me from physical human contact. I’ve heard it said that the touch of a woman can calm a man’s storm. I believe that because I have felt it before.

I need to go to bed.

Currently listening :
Brainchild
By Circle of Dust
Release date: By 01 March, 1994

 

Blah Blah More Bloggy Woggy

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Current mood:  confused

Category: Blogging

Just now I was reading some blogs of some friends I have who are 10 years younger than me. They’re going through teenage turmoils and heartaches and then I was like ‘Dang, I’m 27 and I’m still going through this crap. “I think I like her but does she like me? Sometimes I think she might but other times I know for a fact she doesn’t.” Shouldn’t I be done with these games by now? I guess I flunked that part of growing up so I’m forced to repeat this grade over and over until I get it. So far I still don’t get it at all.

Currently listening :
I Walk the Line
By Johnny Cash
Release date: By 24 June, 2003

 

I Think I Saw a Wing Under Her Jacket

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Current mood:  cheerful

Yesterday my throat was so sore it felt like a toothache. Things like that help to bury you in the mundane. And after too much time in the mundane you forget what real exhilaration is; the kind of adrenaline pumping exhilaration you get when you walk away from talking with an angel.Like, while you’re talking to her you’re too nervous to feel good about it. Wondering how you are coming across-can she see the nervousness in my eyes? What if I run out of things to say and there is that awkward silence? Do I look OK today? It’s almost a relief when the conversation is over. You can be your normal dorky self again. And then when no one is looking a smile creeps up on your face and it’s like a rush of blood to the head. The only thing holding it back is a voice of reason saying “It was just a little conversation, it likely doesn’t mean a thing” But…but if (can I just dream for a minute?…”If nothing else, I can dream…I can dream” – Over the Rhine) if it was the little spark of mutual attraction (I feel bad even suggesting that because I know how its usually false hope) then…wow….all the sudden there’s color in the world again. There’s a buffer zone around me so that nothing hurts and nothing seems all that bad. All the sudden everyone is funny and I have this energy…energy to help someone in need and not just do it because I feel like I should, but help that person in need and have fun with it. Now I have a thought to think back to that’s like taking Aspirin for the current headache called work. It’s SO dangerous to let yourself get this happy. The fall is so much harder…so so much harder….. mayber there doesn’t have to be a fall this time? maybe….God, please….pl *snap* wake up Josh….

Currently listening :
Films for Radio
By Over the Rhine
Release date: By 13 March, 2001

 

 

Leaves

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Current mood:  hopeful

The beams softly lit the auburn in your lockes. Reminicient of an old eighties photo you were captured in your secret woods by the stream. I’m in anguish about the way this has struck me because I know I’m foolish and I know better than to let this play out in my head like when you realize the puzzle pieces you were trying to fit were close but this…this piece was undoubtably the right one. There is so much I want to spill but I know from experience not to do that. Its taking huge self control to just be normal and let you stand over there behind that table and pretend like I’m content by this alley. Lord give me wisdom.

Currently listening :
Old
By Starflyer 59
Release date: By 20 May, 2003
8:08 PM – 1 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove

 

 

Through My Pupil: A Story

Forest fires melt the darkness, the darkness empire ruled by The Dominator. If every facet of my personality was an army, we joined forces to fight the Dominator. There is good reason we call it/him the Dominator. He has been overwhelming in might, destroying every attempt an uprising. Now a song is running through my head (Caught Sick-Level) that brings back a crystal clear image from half a decade ago, reminding me how long we have fought the Dominator. We brought on several powerful offenses that, for a time brought us peace. Some of them seemed to be overwhelming on our side, like dropping an Atom Bomb into the heart of the Dominator. End the end, though, the Dominator crushed us every time. He used unconventional warfare-he cheated if that were possible in war. He pulled evil tricks, injecting himself into our veins like poison from a syringe. It was in the times after our uprisings were put down that the land was blanketed by the thickest dark. Hope drifted into the air like an extinguished candle. At this moment we have had a period of time not fighting the Dominator but keeping some peace just by avoiding him. And that brings us back to the Forest Fire. We have decided to launch another attack on him. So far the weapons we have are no more powerful than any before but we are continuing to investigate our new source of fire power. Tonight we set fire to one of his forests. I’m standing here, my face orange from the dancing flames, my stomach is aching from anxiety. We’re heading into battle again and only on God’s timing will we be able to overcome the Dominator.

Currently listening :
Hide Nothing
By Further Seems Forever
Release date: By 24 August, 2004
Wednesday, April 05, 2006

 

Through My Pupil: The Story Part II and…

Current mood:  artistic

Category: Blogging

1) In previous attacks on the Dominator a failed strategy was marked by an overaggressive campeign. We were too quickly ready to use the new arsenol at our disposal. It’s difficult to judge when and how much to use at any given time. This present battle is off to a good start; drawing fuel as if we had less than we do, we continue a blaze burning that burns the darkforest. We are not really “further” than ever before, but we seem to be building a wider base from which to stage larger attacks. Hopes are high that we may be in the early stages of the final war, once and for all ending the bloody tyranny and oppression of the Dominator.

2) I watched the DVD of Underoath that comes with the special edition of “They’re Only Chasing Safety”. I wish I was in a band that people were moved by and then I could share Jesus though the music the way they do.

3) I didn’t sleep very much last night 😦 I blared Thrice and Underoath.

4) Little writings are little rays of sunshine on the back of your neck that make your hair rise. I’m stacking them like I stack my CDs, scared that the stack may get too high and topple.

5) I sat on rickety wood making out the silloutte in front of me in the dark. My brain locked up like this computer when too many programs are running. I couldn’t make my words come like normal. The fire produced warmth that went beyond the physical skin and into my soul. I don’t know what to make of this dream…or when I will wake up.

 

 

The Wreck Doesn’t Have to Happen

Monday, April 10, 2006

Current mood:  sore

SteveO drove his shiney full size GMC to the top a long hill; Curt sat “shotgun”. I sat in the bed clutching my longboard across my lap. It was a beautiful day in the spring and foolishly I took my shirt off. As SteveO pulled to a stop I jumped out of the bed and Curt joined me. It had been almost a year since we “bombed” this hill.

“Are we going to start from the top?” I asked Curt, a little nervous.

Curt, a veteran skateboarder came back, “Yeah, dude, it’ll be all right,” as he buckled his helmet. I, having just picked up skateboarding the previous summer, was a bit nervous because the higher you start on the hill, the more speed you get going down.

*

I saw her coming from across a sea of people. She seemed to be headed in my direction but I could not let myself believe that. When we contacted, it was in slow motion and my vision became hazy not letting me fully realize what was happening. All I knew was that I was walking on a tight rope suspended about a caynon I have fallen into before. If I walk too slow I cannot maintain my course, yet if I try to run across I will fall even faster.

*

We threw our boards down on the pavement and I watched Curt actually pedal giving himself even more speed. In the first 15 yards I could tell I was going to have more than enough speed. I jumped off my board to speed check. Then I continued on. There was a wind at our backs and I knew the speed  I was gaining was more than I had ever had on this hill-my muscled clenched and fear entered my veins. I kept thinking “Why are you becoming terrified Josh? You have done this hill many times before” As we rounded the first bend I saw a car in the oncoming lane which only added to the stress of the situation. At the same time the pavement became rougher giving less traction. “There is nowhere to fall that won’t hurt,”

*

There is nowhere to fall that won’t hurt I think. Glorious contact. Glorious continuation. As my mind says “This is so perfect” I hear that same phrase echoed from 2 years ago back at me. It’s so good right now…too good to be true? I’m scared, I’ll admit.

*

I was terrified as I felt my board drifting into the opposite lane and knowing I was going way too fast to carve back into my lane. There was a certain point when I realized I was going down and I guessed that rocky ditch just might be a little better than the pavement. I went straight into it and tried to run it off-but at about 30 mph your legs cannot keep up with you. It all happened in the blink of an eye. I laid there in pain first feeling my head ache then wondering where my left shoe was. After a minute I lifted my head and saw my brand new sunglasses laying by my shoe about 10 yards away. Another 3 minutes and I got up, slowly one by realizing: dirt in my mouth, blood on my left temple, blood on my left arm, my left knee swollen and throbbing. SteveO was there by now and Curt was coming back up the hill. They told me about how my back looked-like Christ in The Passion after being beaten by the Roman soldiers.

*

It’s like a fairy tale right now. And I know it can’t and won’t always be like that. Thats why I feel like I’m bombing a hill at 30 mph with no shirt on. There’s a rocky ditch down there…but I don’t have to hit it-and if I’m not stupid, I’ll wear a shirt and a helmet at least.

 

 

Liquid Heat

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Two was how it was meant to be-if you say that to a lonely person it like ripping their insides out. And then people will say, hang in there! your time is comin’ and the lonely person’s like yeah right…whatever. Watashi Wa said it good though “Life is down, always down because you chain yourself to misery” So when you quit looking into the chasm and look up above, you can breath again. Right now it’s like a sugar rush, or getting almost more oxygen then I can handle. Two souls together under the moonlight and nothing existing outside of that. Liquid heat, listening ears, laconic looks…laconic looks. My biggest vice is trying to downshift and navigate the turns with the knowledge I have. Oh and having to say bye and not really knowing if it will be hours or days. I don’t deserve this…I’m not good enough….and so maybe it’s too good to be true.

*

The Dominator’s best trick was to inject himself into my veins-in a way becoming part of me and inseperable. The fires are still going strong-we’re actually seeing large acreage being taken out. And this time my veins are full of hope and some confidence and so the Dominator’s attempt at entrance is being denied. This confidence is fed by the new source-and it’s outside of me. So when the Dominator destroys our command posts or small camps, it doesn’t matter.

*

Commoness…is that a word? Having things in common. Unlikey things….brings two people together in unpredictable ways. The dark clouds in the sky caused dark clouds in our minds…and now the sun is bringing us up….

 

Drawing Brought Peace

Sunday, April 23, 2006

The pen or brush as an extension of not just my hand, but my mind-plotting what I’m feeling is my truest outlet. I wanted you to be the recipient, not merely a piece of paper. I wanted you to absorb the swirls that flowed from the relaxation I experienced just by having you there with me and enjoying it the way I did. And then you reciprocated…I can’t even believe it…I in no way had to tell you what I needed, you just provided it-reciprocation. Once again time and space blurred. I could have stayed there with you forever.

Currently listening :
Myst (Video Game Soundtrack)
By Robyn Miller
Release date: By 06 October, 1998

 

Thinkin’

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Unexplainable the intricacies of this all. Waking up with my laughing only to receive a compliment on her laughing. A sort of fatherly blessing from about 5 or 6 years ago. I know I know…false correlations just because we are so focused on that aspect at this moment.

*

In your “territory” I feel at home. I feel like I know you better.

*

……

Currently listening :
Sixpence None The Richer
By Sixpence None The Richer
Release date: By 10 February, 1998

 

 

Flying Time and Daily Treasures

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Does anyone else feel like time seems to be stuck on fast forward? ESPECIALLY outside of work. It seems like I’m just saying hello and then it’s time to say goodbye. There’s just not enough time! Stay up late to get an extra hour or two in the night but then your cutting your sleep down to less than minimum. I guess it’s always been that “time flys when you’re having fun” but lately it has been unbelievably fast…and I know why. It’s the sugar rush. When you find someone who seems like you’re meeting for the first time everytime you see them-it’s like you just started talking and then it’s been 3 hours. It’s been 4 months and 9 days since I wrote “There is so much hidden treasure in her eyes”. It’s been about a month since I found a treasure map. It’ll be a lifetime of discovery.

Currently listening :
What Are You Waiting For?
By FM Static
Release date: By 22 July, 2003

 

Sweating the Small Stuff

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I have never really considered myself a perfectionist. I am way too lazy. BUT maybe I am because of the things that bother me. My room/house being messy bothers me. I believe its because I think too much. I can’t just take it at the surface. I think that if I had my life under control there wouldn’t be so many posessions that I don’t need cluttering things up. I think about the things I didn’t/haven’t done and I think about how it makes me feel incomplete-like I sat on the sidelines observing, waiting for the right moment to get involved in the game only to realize I’m just missing the game. When I get this magnifying glass on my life I get panicky like I must do something NOW…no…that won’t fix it…I’m already too late. It’s this nitpicky thinking that brings me down in every situation. I’m never in the right place doing the right thing. Someone somewhere is looking down on me disappointed. I never served my country like I should have. I had it too easy growing up. I’m too lazy to seek the right job for myself and so I settle with the stress here. It seems like as long as I’m doing something enjoyable and memorable with friends it kills off this thinking. MAINLY because I’m with friends. At least we were doing the same thing/s. At least I’m not in this boat alone.

5-31-06

More little demons are tormenting me. I’m ashamed of being a computer geek for my job. I feel like a wuss. I think it’s because I’m afraid of a physical job. I’m afraid it would sap all my energy and I would have none left for my free time/friends. There are even things I won’t mention here (and that’s first, because I am usually very open in blogs) that bother me about my situation. I think I work very hard here at my job, almost never getting breaks and working under high stress over 40 hours a week – but the first person to say they’ve been out in the hot sun all day or working more than one job puts me to shame. It’s like all this stress that has pushed me almost to the edge of my sanity, is nothing….nobody understands why my job is so stressful and I’m just whining. I think lack of sleep makes me a little depressed. I HATE that my biorhythms control me and have a reign on me that no one else seems to have. People wonder why I am so scheduled – but if I miss a meal, I get hungry and grumpy and that gets me down. So I have to make sure I eat every meal and thus I must have something ready to eat. How do other people deal with this on a daily basis? Why do I not understand these things? This is why I think I’m weird. Does everyone look in the rippled water and see an ugly duckling? I think only the arrogant don’t. Why do all these things matter so much? Why can’t I just ponder them and not be bothered and tormented by them? I hate the feeling of being out of place so much. Why haven’t I-as a high school and college graduate-learned that conformity, for the sake of conformity is a bad thing? We all seek community, it’s built in to us. I want to be able to relate to whoever I’m with on a very real level. When they say “Remember when we were kids and we would….” and I want to be able to say “Yes! We did that when we were kids too!” or “Remember in High School how everyone wore those one pants…” You know what I hate? I hate having to say “I have never done that…” That is one of my vices lately. It is stupid I know-because no one can do everything. I guess I can accept it more if most everyone around me hasn’t done it either…like sky diving. But what really gets at me is when I am surrounded by people, younger, older, single, married who have done “that”. It makes me feel little. WHY? This is driving me crazy!

Currently listening :
Plans
By Death Cab for Cutie
Release date: By 30 August, 2005

 

 

After the Rain

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The crumbling world has left me broken

Wondering if happiness is ever real or just jokin’

So many days I have withered down

As the air escapes my wings and I’m left with a frown

Then I met you yeah

Then I felt the missing piece

Then I met you yeah

A little light a little peace

The smell of your perfume lingers on my hands

I will go to sleep tonight dreaming of you walking my lands

I was oil, I could not mix in the water of a friend

Now I’m finding an unimaginable blend

Currently listening :
Manic Panic
By Prophecy of P.A.N.I.C.
Release date: By 1994

 

Friends

Monday, May 29, 2006

I feel eternity in you my friends. I feel like time is always too short with all of you. Our BBQ on Saturday was really dampened by the ridiculously high winds yet we still had a blast. Thank you all who came. Daniel thanks for be the first there to help set things up and then being the last to go. Sorry if any of you didn’t get enough food, my grill couldn’t keep up. So anyway, back to what I was saying, it seems like when ever any of you leave its too soon. Maybe thats a hunger for heaven and the eternal. When all of children of God will be in perfect communion with Him with no end.

Currently listening :
Continuum
By Rhythmsaints
Release date: By 1996

 

That Sunshine I Won’t Let Go

Monday, June 05, 2006

A rectangle of orange on the wall. I question the tar around my cage. Soothing words will hold me frailly for only a short while. I think I’m having a hard time distinguishing reality from guesses that have made themselves into monsters. I will fight them, but they know judo. They can take all my energy against them and use if for their side. I am left frozen trying to decide-do I fight or stay put. I have the chance to break this intricate glass sculpture and I’m watching myself flick it unnecessarily.

I get anxious watching a beautiful day fade. I want to share it.

Currently listening :
Make Believe
By Weezer
Release date: By 10 May, 2005

 

 

6-6-06

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

There are rumors that the world is supposed to end today. But I opened my eyes again and had to drive to work like usual. I don’t know how I did it, I don’t know how I’m moving right now because the world did end.

Phantom limb syndrome.

Yesterday I took a ride in a Farrari. The owner, Joe, got us up to 100 miles per hour on 4th street. Then we took a right west on Grand. We were going about 40 when a senior citizen pulled out in front of us. Joe locked up the brakes and left skid marks all over the road. I can’t believe how fast we came to a stop. How can something be moving along at such a good speed, so beautiful and stop so suddenly? I will never understand that.

“I’ve seen this game before, my love walks right to your door. There ain’t no hope for me anymore” – Weezer

“Do you think you’re better off alone? Talk to me…Ohhh, talk to me” – Alice Deejay

30 miles per hour and hitting the ground…it replays in slow motion in my mind. Looking left and right frantically-hoping, praying, wishing for a way out, somewhere-maybe a small patch of grass where it wouldn’t hurt. But then there’s NOTHING you can do. You hit rocks. They rip you open, you bleed, you feel like puking from the pain. You slowly get up and try to figure out what you need to do.

“The wreck doesn’t have to happen” -my own words….but why did it? Because I’m a sucky longboarder. I need more experience but it seems like I’m not getting out there enough. I feel like I needed to have years of skateboarding in my PAST, but its too late. I will never be a good boarder….I was too damn slow getting into it….

* * * * *

There was so much of the dark forest to burn, it would take years to get rid of it. The fire we had seemed strong, but we’ve seen this before. I’ll admit, this seemed to be a large fire fueled by previously unmatched intensity. But in the end the Dominator is always more powerful. I don’t want to fight him anymore, I don’t have the strength. Just being alive is being in opposition to him, and right now that’s sapping all my energy.The Dominator has won another battle. The fire in the dark forest is extinguished and it has already began regrowing so fast…so damn fast I can’t even grasp it. Our uprisings were put out with one cold hard blow. Our planes swatted out of the sky like gnats. I’ve laid in these ashes before and I know it takes so so so much longer to get out of them and dust them off than it takes end up lying under the rubble.

*

I’m cold

*

The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry

You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you

Tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets

And ask me your questions

Oh let’s go back to the start

Running in circles

Coming up tails

Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy

It’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing

At numbers and figures

Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science

Science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me

Come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles

Chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

-Coldplay

Currently listening :
Better Off Alone
By Alice Deejay
Release date: By 12 November, 1999

 

 

Adventures in Joshtonia

Sunday, June 18, 2006

6-18-06

80 miles an hour with the windows down makin’ faces at the other cars, we were a bunch guys headin’ for the woods. After exiting the interstate we drove windy highways until we arrived at an over crowded campground. That meant we would have to take the “4 wheel drive required” road. We trekked on as the sun fell finally finding a fair spot. One of our trucks went on ahead to look for a better spot while the rest of us secured this spot.

That was when Skip took off his pants and galavanted through the camp spot in his boxers. That was Skip for you. Free and nutty, always doing the last thing anyone else would think of.

As it turns out there was a better spot furtherr up the road where eventually set up camp. We spent the evening felling large dead trees, cookin’ dawgs, talkin’ stories and smokin’ cigars and the Huka (Dirdy always had his huka, a phone book and a bag of chips in his truck)

The next morning we cooked eggs and bacon and then I  climbed the hillside to carve mine and my girl’s initials in a tree. Then I came down and got out my Daisy Powerline 880. We (being guys) shot at everything and anything. Somehow it seemed like a good idea to use the frisbee as a skeet and we took turns putting holes in it. And somehow, when Fluffy decided to let someone shoot a soda can out of his hand, we let Oakie (the only one who couldn’t hit the frisbee) shoot it. Oakie shot Fluffy in the pinky finger and he screamed in pain.

Later we traveled down to The Falls and like all boys we had to explore every little cave in the vicinity. One particular cave had a nice closterphobic entrance and the more musclely guys (Dub and Oakie) barely made it in and out.

That was the last of my fun that weekend.

********************

As we drove to our destination that night, I put my hand out the window and felt the wind, then I stuck my face out. Skip had Underoath at full volume on the stereo. We were wild and free and the night was ours.

We approached the house under bright moonlight. As we neared a large picture window we saw them all inside carrying on unknowingly. We hit the ground and, even though the room’s light made a square on the ground we laid low and rolled across without being seen. We were then ready to ener the house. Skip began to turn the door nob and then saw someone inside come from the kitchen area. We all ducked and ran low on the houses veranda. We rounded a corner and ran to the house’s back yard. When we deemed it safe we circled back to the front and repeated our moves. This time a girl inside saw us. They knew we were out there, but they didn’t know who we were or what we were up to. This time we entered through the laundry room door. Once iside we discovered they had all gone downstairs. We slowly moved into the living room and began to take what we thought we needed. Suddenly there was a noise on the stairs and so we shuffled back out there door. One of us knocked over a glass and it shatterred on the floor. We thought for sure we were toast. We waited a minute and realized no one was coming and no one heard the ruckus. Just to be cautious we scuffled to the trampoline in the backyard. We waited a moment and then heard them come out of the house.

“Who’s there?” came a voice. “I’m giving you 5 seconds to come out!”

We ran to the side of the house where we might see them. As we crossed the very rear of the house we heard shot in the night sky.

“Crap, he’s going to shoot us,” I said. then another shot. “Maybe we’ve gone to far! Let’s just go,” I said.

“He’s not going to shoot us,” Skip came back.

“I know, but he’s going to wake up the neighborhood, let’s just go!”

“Let’s go in there,” Septie said.

We all followed him in a backside door and into the living room where we sat side by side on the sofa…

***********************

That hill took something from me and it was about time I took it back. It left me with scars I will have the rest of my life and the pain from that longboard wreck sat in the back of my head as Dirdy pulled Skip and I up the hill. We never dared starting from the top last summer but today I had my helmet. The start of the hill is where the most speed is gained. The sound of the wheels brought back the memory of losing control. After that first ride I did it about 4 more times. I had once again conquered the hill.

*********************

Shea & Niqi danced by the pool under a full moon. It was a perfect setting at the beautiful chateau. Their friends and family danced, cheered, and sang until they were tired. I “snuck” away from the party and followed the white Christmas lights to the pond. With “Ice Ice Baby” echoing in the background I sat by the water and added to it. It would be longer than I expected until I could stash the weight that left me short of breath…

*******************

I decided my pent up frustrations might find a temporary release in a long hard bike ride. I pumped up the tires on my cheap Mongoose and set out for where I did not know. I was about 20 minutes into my ride when I came up on the old factory. It sat like a menacing monster, a piece of night under the hot day sun. I decided to take a quick peek inside and then continue on my ride. There were actually 4 or 5 seperate buildings. I entered one in the middle and suddenly the lonliness I was feeling was intensified. The place was lit by small rectangle windows near the ceiling. I walked slowly not knowing what I would find. The tin walls creaked with every little breeze outside which kept tricking my mind that there was someone in there. I looked toward a far corner and my vision stopped where the dark began. On the floor I noticed what looked like pony tails-one red, one black, a blond one, a couple of brown ones. The place was filled with huge machinery that I couldn’t even begin to identify. The walls were all graffitied. I left that building and crossed by one that was an old shop, the front bay wide open. This one had recently been consumed by a fire so the entire inside was charred. Then it was on to the farthest building-a shop that was well lit by the outside sun. Tools and machines lay everywhere as if the place was in full operation one day and some unknown emergency happened and all the workers dropped their things and left, never to return. I left the shop and came back toward the building nearest the entry road. This building will  come back to haunt me. I learned this was an old by-products plant and apparently it’s last day of operation was ended so abruptly that meat was still in the tracks of the hulking machinery and the smell made me gag. I made my way deep into the dark-this scenery was right ouut of a horror movie. I almost threw up by the smell and so I made my way out. The graffiti around the place was everything from a satanic beast with a pentagram on its forhead to  “F* the cops”. I made my across the driveway to a smaller building. More hulking machinery, open lockers and a broken break table.

On my way back home I quickly realized both my tires were flat. I had to push my bike home.

6-19-06

Dub didn’t get married in a chateau and the party wasn’t as loud, but all the important elements were there: friends, family and memories. The reception was behind the chapel with a full moon beaming down. I was on edge: knowing HOW I should be but not being ABLE. There aren’t many people, in fact I don’t really know any in my position and that makes feel nauseous. So I know this day is about them and not me, so I need to choke it down and put on a smile. That being said I DID have fun, it was just hard. As they exited the chapel under moonlight and bubbles I had to tuck away the longing and wave them away and wish them a happy life together.

****************

I call him Piano Man now. He displayed more wisdom than I had expected from someone his age. I will be glad to study the Word with him. That night we concentrated on the Gospel of John and WHY it was written. John wrote in order to increase our faith, and so trough faith we would believe in Jesus and be saved.

Its funny how profound that is, yet moments later as I am sucking down a chocolate malt at Chili’s I am far more interested in the conversation at hand.

That was the same night I got a call from Septie saying he, Dustin and a couple of girls were hanging out in Dustin’s 3rd floor downtown architectural drawing  office. The night was interesting because it was spontaneous and wildly unexpected. When Dirdy and I got there we found a secret passage (with Skip) in the roof in the hallway. We climbed up into it and on to the roof. We explored the roof  and peeked over the edge into the street under bright moonlight. When we came down we ended up having a tango dance session to world music with the girls there. One girl I had met before and never imagined her hanging out with the likes of us. She was very attractive which made for an interesting chemistry in the room…

********************

I suppose we all have days when we’re losers. Usually people look to Skip, Dirdy, Septie and I to find out where the action is, but this night we were reaching, and the full realization came when we ended up around a fire with a throng of highschoolers overly facinated with their huka. There’s probably a lesson to be learned here, but I havn’t figured it out yet.

*********************

Maybe it’s the warm summer nights, or maybe its just my buds, but there’s been a magic in the air. After lonely hours, Dirdy showed up and we hopped on longboards. We cruised the neighborhood and found some houses being built. We decided to go inside and check it out. In back sat a Bob Cat tractor. Dirdy climbed inside and the pressure sensitive seat recognized his weight and turned on all the gauges.

We went back to the house where we met up with Septie, Skip and Dustin. A boring night will never stay that way when we’re together. We sat on the couches for only a few moment before Skip had the great idea of going to check out the newest brigde over the river. We piled in his car and drove to the newely paved road that led up to the bridge. We discovered the bridge hadn’t been paved yet. We had to get out to cross the construction barriers. The bridge was wide enough for four lanes and a median , was uphill to the other side of the river, and in it’s unfinished state it sat with rebars protruding and the ground reminicient of a floor that had it’s carpet ripped up. We observed all the construction equipment laying around by the dim moonlight. None of the light poles were working yet so we used out key lights to explore. At the high end there sat a watertruck and Skip found out it was unlocked by climbing inside. He got behind the wheel and I climbed up in the passenger seat next to him. I don’t know if really thought he would find them, but he searched for the keys. I got and heard Dustin saying he had to go relieve himself. “That would be the perfect way to break the new bridge in,” I said “By peeing off of it” We all stood up on the railing and broke the new bridge in the way only a boy could. then we climbed down the side and under the bridge. It was a slightly cooler night and I pulled my hood over my head. We explored the area down there with our key lights. After we got bored of pretending to graffitti the brige we climbed back up top and sat on block of concrete and talked about girls. Later on our way down we saw a another Bob Cat tractor. Skip and I took turns sitting inside it and fooling around with the controls. When grabbed one of the levers I found the horn-that’s when we decided we better get out of there. We got back in Skips car and headed to Palisade where had to pick up Curshaw’s truck, but not before grabbing shakes at McD’s. It’s nothing spectacular, just life and good friends.

Currently listening :
The Altogether
By Orbital
Release date: By 04 September, 2001

 

 

Accept It

Thursday, June 22, 2006

On the Abyss they invented a type of water you could breath so that they could reach further depths in the ocean without the pressure crushing the human head. There is one scene where a guy is demonstrating how the stuff works on a lab rat. He jerks the rat out it’s happy life by the scruff of the neck and forces him down into the liquid. The humans know this needs to be done and the rat will be OK, but the at that moment the rat thinks he is drowning. His mouth opens searching for air that is not there. His arms and legs kick wildly as he panics. The humans seem cruel as they hold him down through all this. Finally the rat takes the liquid into his lungs. Slowly he accepts the way he must now breath; his arms and legs calm down. The rat didn’t choose this liquid, but he must now live with it.

Your Hope Will Not be Cut Off

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Word of God is sharper than any double edged sword, able to divide soul and spirit… let that sink in for a minute….

That’s why, even though I have read through the entire Bible, I can still be completely surprised by the stuff that is in there. And one verse can be so profound-when nothing in life, no conversation, no trauma, no change in life can get my attention-but one verse can rock my world like getting punched in the face. Why don’t I spend more time in the Word? I don’t know…there are so many distractions in life and when you’re away, a good trick the enemy has is to diminish the potency of scripture in your mind. When I come back to the Word of Life, it is then more than ever I realize my mind is being fought over.

Today I stood on the side of a mountain above a small beaver pond overlooking a gorgeous sunset over a mountain range and these words from Psalms echoed through my mind:

Do not let your heart envy sinners,

but always be zealous for the fear of the LORD.

There is surely a future hope for you,

and your hope will not be cut off.

I wish I could explain the magnitude in which this verse impacted me. It’s like I have been boiling inside because of all these issues in my head and at the forefront of them was an envy for some things that I have really felt like an outsider for-but when I look at it, most of the pressure on me is due to sin around me and so really I have been in envy of their sin. So I’m like “God, how can I possibly let this go?” and then He was like “Your hope will not be cut off” So even though I’m still where I was and there appears to be no way out right now, I have hope….

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Currently listening :
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: By 27 August, 2002

 

1.Dying to Myself  2.Maladjusted

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

1. “Freely I Have Received, Freely I Give” bore the t-shirts we were given. God has been working on me, revealing His servant nature and leading me to die to myself and my own selfish desires. This is SO hard. So I decided to help my church at Freedom Fest on the 4th at Lincoln Park. Usually I would rather be free my self, just hanging with friends and doing whatever. But this time I was there filling bags of popcorn. It seemed like I filled a thousand bags but it was only like 50. I got so tired so fast of scooping popcorn and then I started to say to myself-why am I doing this? This sucks. Then I remembered-it is not about me-it’s about the people who would be getting free popcorn that night. Then I stepped out of my comfort zone handing it out. I’m the type of person that does not like to bother people-especially strangers. This wasn’t so bad though because we were GIVING them something. After that I started face painting. Besides the less than satisfactory tools, I really enjoyed this. I think I painted like a thousand kids. I must have painted the American flag about 90 times. I started painting and wasn’t able to even look around me for about 2 hours. That’s when it hit me, I was so concentrated on others at that moment, my own problems dimmed. Most importantly though I hope we were able to show the love of God that day.

2.Do you think some people are just awkward no matter what they do? If I were to tell you I think I’m awkward, would you think I was just overly hard on myself, or that I was making an acurate self-assessment? I think everyone has their quirks and little weird things they do-that makes us individuals. But I think we all know at least one person that is just really weird. That being said, do you ever wonder if you’re that person? Things seem OK when you’re with your friends because they would never tell you that to your face. But every once in while there is a slip up that makes you wonder. I really think I just over think things-but then again there are so many things about myself I just don’t understand.

Maladjusted

adj 1: poorly adjusted to demands and stresses of daily living; “a maladjusted child” [ant: adjusted] 2: emotionally unstable and having difficulty coping with personal relationships [syn: disturbed] 3: not well adjusted; “a maladjusted carburetor”

Sometimes I feel like the smallest things are an uphill battle.

Currently listening :
Maladroit
By Weezer
Release date: By 14 May, 2002

 

 

The Mystery

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Current mood:  contemplative

Category: Blogging

I think I blog more than anyone I know. In noticing that I have to ask myself why? I think the fact that I ask myself why is the answer in itself. I wonder these things. I wonder why I feel this great urge to write out my thoughts and this little satisfaction when someone is curious enough to read them. I believe it was in high school when I decided I was a deep thinker because my friend Adam in I would get into these deep conversations over coffee at Village Inn. I’m always thinking about the consequences of what I do and say (and sometimes missing really important points-like how what I say may hurt someone; I’m sorry if I’ve done that to you) I think about stuff like-is everyone affected by the way today was, or is it just me? And if it just me then I need to share my perspective so that you can begin to see things like I do—this is so that you can understand me and I can feel less misunderstood. So I write this stuff hoping that I have made you think about things you wouldn’t otherwise have thought of today. I’m just now realizing that this sounds a little pretentious…but then again, if you have profound thoughts (or at least they seem profound to you) why don’t you blog them??? (I know some of you do) I wish I didn’t feel like I NEED to write, because I have so many times I put my heart on my sleeve. You can read this and know what I’m thinking, but since it’s a blog, I don’t get to know what you’re thinking. I don’t know if you read by quickly only pondering  a piece, or if I really got to you and made you think things over after you’re off MySpace and tomorrow and the next day. I don’t get to know if you agreed or disagreed (unless you post a comment) I’m kind of tired of not knowing these things. I am, however sustained by the many compliments I have had on my blogs. So anyway, because of this feeling that I have been spilling everything to you and not really getting anything back-I have stopped writing a lot of what’s on my mind. I’m not quitting completely, just keeping some, you know? So maybe when I see you in person, there will be more to talk about. Ask me what’s on my mind because you won’t already know from reading my blog….

 

I Have Something for Her

Saturday, August 05, 2006

“Was that you gliding surprisingly effortlessly, the cold air making your cheeks rosy?” I asked her.

“I’m not sure yet, it could have been,” she smiled as she took a sip of her mixed drink. A tropical breeze lifted her bangs and set them back on her forehead.

“Was that your weekly smile that so resembled sunshine over a grassy hill?”

“I don’t think so…no…,”

“I feel bad for saying that…but you know you’re-” she stopped me before I could finish.

“You don’t have to explain it away, right here, right now is all that matters,” she turned her gaze from my eyes to the clear blue ocean front mere yards from our condo balcony.

“Well I have to tell you, your hugs are so tight and reassuring-like we will be at least friends forever. Your eyes shock me everytime I see them-I’m scared to look into them because I really think I might forget where I am, I think I could make a CD of your laughs just to listen to over and over, I like what your wearing today, I think you  really need to know how pretty you are, you’re stealing my concentration with that beautful long hair, I hope you won’t change for anyone, because you are so cool, so cute, so intriguing just the way you are, ” I reached out to touch her hand. My hand met the flat hard drywall. ‘Ouch’ I said outloud opening my eyes. I let out a sigh that only comes from a lifetime of walking through the desert.

“I have so much for you…so much and I am trying to patient,” I half murmered.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

“Stop it U. Stop being so interesting because this can’t go anywhere,” Yosh seemed to scold her.

“I think you understand me,”

“I do, but only because I’m up the road from you,” Yosh tried to be easy yet stand firm.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

No make up, messy hair.

The way your essence shines isn’t fair.

You’re so real, do you even know that?

I’m getting that exciting feeling when I’m where you’re at.

I don’t know if I can handle another wave coming from in me.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Currently listening :
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
By Harry Gregson-Williams
Release date: By 13 December, 2005

 

 

The Mystery

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

You see some people on occasion and you don’t know them. There’s some mystery to them because you don’t know what they’re about. You might know a little bit about what they do or what they’re up to, but if you’re kind of interested then there is this pull to find out about them. It’s interesting to me that once you do find out about them, the mystery is uncovered that you lose interest to some extent. There is so much to a person-it takes years to find some things out….why don’t we stay so deeply interested?

Currently listening :
Plans
By Death Cab for Cutie
Release date: By 30 August, 2005

 

 

Her Residual Radiance

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Current mood:  frustrated

Category: Romance and Relationships

I’m sitting behind a glass wall and there is duct tape over my mouth. Maybe I should concentrate on how lucky I am that the wall is glass and I am able realize true beauty. But what do I do with it? I log it away among snapshots piled in the bottom of my hourglass-thankful for them. But even if I should wisely stand aside and let her on her way, there is one other factor to consider. Would it encourage her and help her in her life to know that her residual radiance is rippling the airwaves and shaking me? Her eyes stop mine in their tracks and I must force mine to move along. It is the spirit that dwells in her that is like a fire the brightens her countanance, waves her hair modestly, smooths her soft cheeks. Maybe I should just keep the tape on and she will read my blog. She won’t know it was about her….

Currently listening :
Teenage Politics
By MxPx
Release date: By 25 July, 1995

 

The Key to This Whole Story

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

For a second a hazy cloud around my head was parted and things grew clear. I don’t know why, because I should always expect huge things to happen when God is involved, but it takes my breath away for a minute. When all the sudden you see the puzzle pieces fitting together. There is one Creator, with one plan. Nothing is accident. On a normal day you give such little thought to the Old Testament and if you do you’d probably prefer to think about something else. It’s hard to make sense of it-but then there’s a moment like last night when all the sudden it’s so clear. There is no dispute there was a man named Jesus who preached around 2000 years ago-but there is a dispute as to whether He is God or not. If you simply ready his words “Eat of my flesh and drink my blood,” you may think that is weird and doesn’t make sense. But when we see how it fits in like a small, well timed, perfectly worded phrase in puzzle that is all of history….wow. You see, when Jesus said that, it was almost Passover feast-a time when Jews remembered being spared from the death angel in Egypt. On that night they took the blood of sacrifice and painted it on their doors showing their faith. The blood of sacrifice. Wow, Jesus was laying it out, not right before their eyes, but even closer. Let your eyes focus in on that, it’s even more clear than if He just said “I am the sacrifice.” It like he calmly and quietly DISPLAYED that he was everything. I don’t know that was just amazing…

Currently listening :
Blink 182
By blink-182
Release date: By 18 November, 2003

 

 

Jesus’ Forcefield

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

So Jesus was preaching to all these Jews and at this point these Jews had plotted to kill him. He had avoided them earlier but here he was right where they could get Him. Yet they didn’t-at first His words were so profound and perplexing that they stood there, jaws dropped, listening. Some of them were like “He MUST be the Christ,” and others were like “What a freak-I think he’s demon-possesed,” And then when He was done they tried to seize Him, but no one laid a hand on Him because His time had not yet come. What happened there? Why couldn’t they seize Him? They TRIED! I wonder if there was a forcefield around Him. I wonder if they reached out to grab him and found some strong magnetic field diverting their hand AWAY from Him. Or maybe Jesus suddenly mixed into the crowd and they couldn’t recognize Him among all the other bearded, robed, sandal footed guys? Whatever it was, Jesus got away because He was on a mission He wasn’t done with yet. Jesus is so fricken cool. He’s so cunning and wise and…and slippery. Don’t try to catch Him unless it’s His plan to be caught! Ha ha.

Currently listening :
Play
By Moby
Release date: By 01 June, 1999

 

 

Seeing Skynyrd, Almost Brawl

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

My mom & dad grew up in the south (Georgia, North Carolina, Alabama, Tennessee) My dad’s favorite bands were The Allman Brothers and Lynyrd Skynyrd. They were two bands that represented the south and have come to symbolize my dad to me. So even though the real Skynyrd went down in plane crash before I was born, it was cool to see the lead singer’s brother and the “new” Lynyrd Skynyrd Friday night a t rock jam. They sang Sweet Home Alabama and Free Bird which are probably required of them now. It was cool hanging with “With an X” and watching  the Pineapple Crackaz under the Southern Comfort tent after sludging through thick mud to find them and then smuggling a case beer in because the prices there were ridiculous. On the way out I got pulled over for having headlight out.

*************

That same night I met up with Lawrence, SteveO, Jake and Bob at the Ale house. Jake hadn’t met our good buddy and current Housten Texan, Ben Steele, so we brought him over to meet him. Ben is somewhat of a celebrity around the place. Some guy near out table was talking him up all night-telling about his stint with the Packers and the Raiders before the Texans. Then some poor fellow behind didn’t know Ben and called him a fraud. If Ben wasn’t on crutches I think the guy would be in the hospital. I wouldn’t pick a fight with an NFL Football Player-would you?

*************

I had more to say but I’ve run out of time…

 

Calm, Cool, Collected, He Stands Confident

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Every time I read about Jesus and really think about it (there are so many times when I just let the words of the Bible go in one ear and out the other) but when I really stop and think about this dude Jesus and how he was and what he did I’m left sitting there thinking-dang this guy is so freaking cool. You watch so many movies and when the hero confronts the bad guy you get this feeling like ‘ha-that bad guy is in for it, he’s messin’ with our hero’ because you know your hero is like the best martial artist, or he’s The One, or he’s really stinkin’ tough, or he a genius and the bad guy is gonna get whupped. But then Jesus, man he always surprises you because he’s so laid back but then he lays down a few words that drop like an H-Bomb. Like that one night when Jesus was cruisin’ in the boat with the disciples and they were going straight into a really bad storm over to an island where everybody thought the devil was lurking around. The disciples were panicking and FREAKED out and Jesus was back there takin’ a nap!! He was so chill, he was sleeping!! And so they woke him like “JESUS! WAKE UP! I THINK WE’RE GOING TO DIE!!” So Jesus sits up, rubs his eyes, yawns and says “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. Then as if that wasn’t enough for one night, the disciples worst fears about that island came true when a possessed guy came toward them. He had all these chains on him that broke and he was all bloody from cutting himself and he was probably drooling and he was yelling all psycho-like. Things are getting all freaky and then the dude falls to his knees!! Any other person he could easily have ripped them apart with his bare hands! But Jesus….this is the Son of the Most High God and that legion of demons in this guy KNOW that!! That’s POWERFUL!! That gives me shivers down my spine!! Then Jesus cast them into a herd of pigs and the guy is seen by everyone dressed and in his right mind after that. Maybe you think this is a fable, a cool story in a book of myths. But I believe this to be a true account of actual events in the region of the Gerasenes about 2000 years ago. Just because it happened so long ago doesn’t mean it shouldn’t rock your world to hear that today. This guy Jesus is fricken’ awesome!!

Currently listening :
My Island
By Starflyer 59
Release date: By 12 September, 2006

 

She Has Come Full Circle

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

And so we come full circle….well, partly so anyway. Somewhere along the line I was just starting public school and then graduating high school and before I could grasp it all  here I am four years out of college. It takes only a moment to remember that bratty little girl pulling my hair when we were both 2, and remember having a crush on her in fifth grade all the way until 10th. I won’t let myself ponder it any more because even if I still had hope with her in High School, she was off to another college and I would barely see her again until I showed up at her wedding the year I graduated Mesa State. Now I just heard she is pregnant. The girl I have some of my earliest memories with is now having her own child. How can this be? WE’RE still kids….right?….right? I remember band-aids on our knees and climbing trees at the park by my house. I remember riding in her mom’s little yellow Chevette, playing on the stairs at my house and being in the church Christmas play together.- No-we have all grown up. It is so hard to come to the realization that you’re an adult-maybe it’s easier for those who got married, I mean they can move on and quit playing the stupid games. I just can’t believe it.

Currently listening :
Hero
By Tan Dun
Release date: By 24 August, 2004

 

 

Parting is Such Sad Sorrow

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Current mood:  sad

Category: Automotive

You walk away not realizing all the strings coming out of your eyes, your smile, your laugh, that are drooping in a smooth arc and ending at my sternum. The truth is I didn’t really see them there until I realized you were leaving. And so it is with a sigh that I accept your parting, for I cannot convince you to stay when I can’t answer all my own questions about why I stay. I stay mostly because it hurts to pull and stretch the strings and there are SO many of them. I should be encouraging you-you have high goals and you are not letting anything stop you. I should learn from you.

Currently listening :
Melody
By Joy Electric
Release date: By 07 June, 1996

 

 

The Fog and the Fall

Thursday, October 19, 2006

A thick fog rolls in and makes things hard to see. I can’t tell how long it’s been here, but I know it’s longer than I feel. I remember sitting on an iron bench and watching a breeze blow through a newly orange and yellow tree. For a moment my mind was clear and I could remember inspiration. Suddenly I was awake out of a deep sleep-I had to grab ahold of this moment-do something with it-hold on to it. Now it’s over a year later. Is it just me or has my watch battery been injected with caffeine? I heard once that the secret to life is to enjoy the passage of time. Now I know that is not just true, but necessary. Somebody looked at one of MySpace pictures that was taken in about 2000 and said, “Why’d you put a little kid picture of you up?” Have I really aged that much in 6 years? The secret is to be proud of where you are in life, even if it means more wrinkles or gray hair. You have more depth to your life with every year that passes. There’s just a couple of things I thought I would have by now and it’s hard to know why, or what, or how….

“Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” ~James 4

Currently listening :
Plastic Surgery
By The Huntingtons
Release date: By 01 February, 2000

 

 

The Brightness of Tiny Hope

Monday, October 30, 2006

I was laying in bright autumn noon sun looking at the shaded side of my hand against the bright blue sky. The radiant sun peeked its brilliance over the edges of my fingers. Why was something so small stirring hope in me? And why did the day fade away overly high expectations unsatisfied? I guess the answer to that question is that my expectations were too high but again-what do I expect? That today would be the day when I could finally open the gate, ready for you to take what I have hidden and be filled with glowing because you had waited for this OR be equally ready for it to knock you down and push you out of my world forever?

I don’t know where I fit in all this. Sometimes I feel like I’m being immature, holding on to a rediculous hope and I need to go somewhere else. But I don’t want you out of my life, even if you stay just ten feet away forever-it would be better than never seeing you again. So just stay at least where you are if that’s OK, because right now you’re lighting up my place.

Currently listening :
Hide Nothing
By Further Seems Forever
Release date: By 24 August, 2004

 

 

I’ll Give You My Hand If You’ll Reach Out and Take It

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

There is that state between sleep and being awake where you could be dreaming or watching something real and that’s where I saw my buddy looking down on me wherever it was I had been sleeping. It happened so hazy it was like it happened a long time ago, yet when he began to sing it was as if it were a prediction of where he was about to let his life take him. The beanie covered head and face where his typical self, but the voice was only distantly rooted in the familiar and sounded more like Mike Ness of Social Distortion. His song was melancholy and though I can’t remember the words, it was something like “I’ve been working so hard, and trying everything, but nothings working out and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing is paying off for me and so I need to end this” It was was so sad but then I started to realize my conscious was wearing the mask of my friend because he is the only person who shares this little plot of land I have found myself on. In waking life I can’t let that song finish because I have more hope than that. If it did finish it would be like the prisoner of war that died and never saw home again, or like a movie without a happy ending. I have ideas that will keep that from happening-and just because they were ineffective in previous situations doesn’t mean there won’t come someone who is just right, whose tune is just the right harmony to be surprised by my ideas and forever drawn in by the endless opportunities they provide.

Currently listening :
Social Distortion
By Social Distortion
Release date: By 12 March, 1990

 

Stirred by the Realization of Reality

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

02 Dec 2006

Category: Religion and Philosophy

A beam of light shot down and illuminated the baby’s face. No ordinary baby-I watched the movie screen holding my breath-this was the birth of Jesus Christ. Suddenly, on my mind’s movie screen, in less than a second the tragedy of our fallen world flickered in a thousand snapshots. Our own sins eating at us, tearing us apart, killing, decaying, murdering, raping, rotting. Mary lifted the baby up to Joseph and my eyes welled up- this little guy born in such humility would be the Messiah, the Savior of the world. The wise men gave their gifts and the shepherd reached out to touch Him because Almighty God incarnate was right there in front of them and they knew, they KNEW this was the King of Kings. I’m shocked at how blind I am to this reality. I grew up in church, hearing this story a million times- and still belief doesn’t come easy. This baby (whether you believe he was the son of God or just a great leader) has left His mark on the world forever. Walk down a street and see the steeple of a 19th century church and remember, it was because of this baby. Listen to “Silent Night” every year-it was because of that baby. Open a drawer in any hotel room and read this story. Mention the middle eastern cities of Bethlehem, Jerusalem or Nazareth and who do you think of? Crucifixes will bring to mind Jesus before you will think of “Roman torturous execution”. And here’s the kicker-God sent His Son to be born in a manger. What humility. Jesus-the KING OF KINGS. He wasn’t all about the bling. Christ was an amazing person, born from a virgin, working as a carpenter and then letting Himself be crucified. That’s the dude I want to be my King.

Currently Listening :
Visions
By Faith Massive
Release date: By 31 August, 1999

 

 

The Years Blow a Weary Wind

11 Dec 2006

Current mood:  sad

This evil-THIS evil-won’t leave me alone. It’s a parasite growing alongside a very natural part of me but drags me down constantly. I have been fighting it with all my might for so….so…so long. Though it has never beaten me, it has left me with some nasty scars. Inside of me I harbor a gift, symbolized by a little golden cross necklace with a dent on it and this evil has tried so hard to steal it. This evil fights so relentless, coming at me from all angles: sight, sound, touch, taste, even smell have all been turned to tools for this evil. When I think I am putting up a good fight against the touch, it blindsides me with sight. I am weary, therefore this evil’s greatest tool now is to discourage me, telling me the fight will never end and I might as well just hand the necklace over relieving me of the fight so that I can at least enjoy life. I can’t even see the ship out on the sea anymore, the one that took “everyone” (it feels like everyone) and left me all alone. I remember right after the ship left- I wasn’t so worried. I clutched the necklace tight ready to fight. Then the evil came and persisted. Now I lay on the dock, weary and weak. My fingers are losing grip on the necklace. I am devastated to think this may be a gift given and never received.

Currently Listening :
Hero
By Tan Dun
Release date: By 24 August, 2004

 

 

 

2006 in a Nutshell

27 Dec 2006

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?

Took a girl to Rendezvous French Restaraunt

Drove a Volkswagon Beatle

Helped publish a magazine

Volunteered at Freedom fest

Explored 2 abandoned factories and several abandoned houses

Went golf ball diving at Lincoln Park

Went to court for trespassing

Went Mountain Boarding

Began leading with Young Life

Played spin the bottle

Snowboarded Copper Mountain

Rode the gondola in Telluride

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My one resolution was to meet the girl of my dreams and start dating her…well that didn’t happen. I won’t make any for 2007 because that’s something that needs to happen on a daily basis.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Jason & Pam had their hapa-Jacob

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My step-grandma (even though we weren’t that close)

5. What countries did you visit?

I don’t think I even got out of the state this year-how boring!!! But next year…I have big plans

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

Maybe more of some things I have…like more time with God, more of a direction in life….oh…and a guitar amp would be nice.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

A lot of memorable things happened and I’m not sure what the date was. I do remember 6-6-06 occured and it was a very disappointing day for me.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting the heck out of CopyCopy!

9. What was your biggest failure?

Feeling anxious about a relationship that I should have just trusted God with and therefore rushing intamacy and bringing it to a screeching halt

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

just some typical colds or whatever, oh and right at the end of snowbaord season I hit a tree on my rear…that hurt pretty bad… not much later I “bombed” a hill in the ridges on my longboard and lost control at about 30mph and landed in a rocky ditch (Lawrence said I looked like Jesus in the Passion after that) I have a swEEt scar from that and I got another scar under that from an adventurous paintball battle.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My paintball gun or maybe my Burton coat

12. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, gas, eating out, charity, tithe, Powderhorn Pass, new tires

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Early in the year it finding out this girl liked me and I liked her, that was cool

14. What song will always remind you of 2006?

Any Anberlin, FM Static (Definately Maybe), Falling Up, Deep Forest, Thrice…but song…probably You and the Moon are a Beautiful Sight to Me by Sixpence None the Richer

15. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I really needed to exercise more and lift-I’m such a slacker. And I wish I had traveled more. And I wish I had gone to more concerts…

16. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Stressing-I think CopyCopy took years off my life!

17. How will you be spending Christmas?

Spent it at my brother’s house

18. Did you fall in love in 2006?

no

19. What was your favorite TV program?

I never watched TV really, we listened to music instead

20. What was the best book you read?

I read Pilgrim’s Progress and started Monster by Frank Peretti

21. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Rediscovering Starflyer 59

22. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

It was my 27th and I had to close CopyCopy-how lame! But my friends showed up with a cake! THEY ROCK!!

23. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If my band Junk Town had solidified and finshed at least three of our 20 fragmented songs and then went on to open for another local band somewhere

24. What kept you sane?

The Lord, and my awesome friends

25. What political issue stirred you the most?

I hate politics

26. What was the best movie you saw?

The Nativity

27. Who did you miss?

Anyone I at one point hung out with a lot and don’t anymore:

Benson & Johnny, Amos & Megan, Jason & Pam, etc.

28. Who was the best new person you met?

Alex or Lucee and Amy….(Lucee and Amy come as a pair)

29. A valuable life lesson you learned in 2006?

I relearned that a person does a lot of maturing around 21 and 22

30. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

“My heart hurts because it never catches it’s breath” by Falling Up. Sometimes I feel like I love my friends too much and when people exit your life or move away, I have a hard time with that.

Currently Listening :
And the Rest Will Follow
By Project 86
Release date: By 27 September, 2005

 

 

2007

 

Reap What You Sow in Wicker Park

08 Jan 2007

Category: Life

I’m still trying to figure out where I am in relation to where I’m supposed to be. Only the Lord can say where I’m supposed to be, but for some reason I can’t seem to hear Him. I feel like I have been washed into an eddie, yet at the same time there is so much good here-what does it mean? YOU’RE part of the good here. I like talking to YOU and hanging out (if we do) with YOU. Anyway-some of us watched a chick flick called Wicker Park last night. The writer/s did what they do best, they brought all the crumbling pieces to a momentum, building the viewer’s hopes and expectations to a surprise (but not really-we all know he’d get the girl in the end) ending. Don’t get me wrong -I’m not knocking chick flicks, in fact-I see myself being with a girl who loves chick flicks. With one eye I watched Josh Hartnet looking frantically around the airport for the girl, the other eye on the girls in the room with me. It’s interesting (& a little funny) to watch their reactions-like they don’t know what’s going to happen and then they’re so happy when he finds her. As a guy, we kind of need some kind of C4 explosives blowing the doors off the building and the hero driving out in a tank-but I can tone down the testosterone and sympathize. It was kind of ironic though, when they played The Scientist by Coldplay and then the credits rolled and one of the girls said “See boys, you should give the girl a love story”. So very ironic.

*** It was spring of 2004. I was trying to do everything for her. I first asked her father if I could date her, I opened doors for her, I gave her flowers, I talked to her, I never pushed her to do anythign she didn’t want to (in fact we never even kissed), I made her dinner… She LOVED Coldplay and so, being a girl I was interested in, I was interested in her favorite band. Not surprisingly I really began to like Coldplay and the album A Rush of Blood to the Head is still the soundtrack to that short relationship, especially I remember jogging after she dumped me, sweat (or tears) running down my face listing to the word “Nobody said it was easy. It’s such a shame that we must part” What did I do wrong? I gave her a love story and it was only going to get better.***

*** It was the spring of 2006. And I did only what I know how to do. I treated her like a Princess, I bought her music, flowers, dinner, I surprised her…blah blah blah whatever shut up. None of it means anything. The Scientist played in my head again-such a shame…we had SO much in common. *** I’m sick of it. I don’t want to be giving all that to a girl who will turn away one day. I want her to keep it, and remember it, not throw it away. “Boys give her a love story” I wanted to say “But I tried…” but what’s the use? I won’t be changing anyone’s mind. It takes sooooo long to get anything started, and it all goes to such a waste in the end. It’s already 2007, soon another birthday, another year watching all the pretty faces around me getting hooked up and then a batch of new ones come, this time even younger. I would be looking down on a guy like me if I weren’t stuck here. God, show me the purpose in this. Then SteveO said, you know everyone in that movie reaped what they sowed. Then I read Proverbs 8: 31 Therefore shall they eat of the fruit of their own way, and be filled with their own devices.

So I guess God’s trying to tell me something…I just don’t get it yet.

Currently Listening :
Legend (New Packaging)
By Bob Marley & The Wailers
Release date: By 21 May, 2002

 

At This Point

15 Jan 2007

I’ve always looked at life like a movie. Even more so when you hear the right song while looking at pictures. That feeling you get when the credits of a really good movies are rolling and you’re reflecting what you just saw to a really well chosen song. I don’t know what it is about the tune (like in this song God Knows by El Perro Del Mar) that strikes something deep inside. Almost like the mundane meaningless day just stops like a freeze frame and then zooms into my head and fades to everything that has brought me here-there  is meaning. Life feels so aimless and worthless so much of the time and then all the sudden one day it makes sense, that I am here doing what I’m doing. I tried to figure out why I know you and what does it mean? I feel like there is not enough time in the day to pay you back for what you mean to me. What IS there time for? Being inspired and then passing it on to inspire. God knows I’ve been taking in without giving back. I get so anxious and worried and then the cold outside freezes my motivation and the dark clouds of depression blow in. I’m in such a state, I need someone. The Lord is just sitting there waiting for me to connect the dots and the funny part is I should know by now, it always leads back to Him. I lift my weary head and look into His brightness and I feel my tense muscles release. I was going astray again; walking into the cold when the sun was at my back. The Light is good,  so good I am overwhelmed.

John 16

1″All this I have told you so that you will not go astray.

Currently Listening :
El Perro Del Mar
By El Perro del Mar
Release date: By 07 November, 2006

 

 

Arrogance and Body

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

18 Jan 2007

I’m afraid sometimes arrogance may creep up in me, if nowhere else then in the very fact that I hate it so much. One thing I have always feared is coming across full of myself and not realize it. Sometimes I laugh at someone because they pronounce a word wrong-at first I think we’re laughing together but then if I put myself in their shoes, it’s making them feel stupid. If I ever do this I’m sorry-I realize it belittles you. There are consequences for thinking you’re better than others (i.e. Cutting their self esteem down) and the Lord hates a haughty eye. But the biggest reason to pursue a humble character is to be more like Jesus. If you get to know Jesus you will see that while he was never a push-over and always spoke with authority, he was humble-never self seeking. Romans 12:3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. This brings me to another point, that we are part of body (this should inspire you because it emphasizes your personal gifts, talents and passions). And if you’re new to Christianity or you are questioning Christianity-realize this: Whoever you have been asking questions will not know everything. Do not be discouraged-no one can know everything. Don’t think that their inability to answer a question is a hole in the doctrine of Christianity. As a body some Christians will know more about some things than others. I pray if you are seeking, God will lead you to the ones you need to meet.

Currently Listening :
18
By Moby
Release date: By 14 May, 2002

 

 

A Song Paints it Best

25 Jan 2007

I just can’t explain the way I feel and how you seem to fit into this. It’s all at once the day, the season, this time in life as it is you, and our friends and what’s going on between us. I wonder if you really  knew me, would you be more interested? Or would you change your mind? This is the song on my brain lately by Peter Bjorn & John called “Young Folks”:

if i told you things i did before

told you how i used to be

would you go along with someone like me

if you knew my story word for word

had all of my history

would you go along with someone like me

i did before and had my share

it didn’t lead nowhere

i would go along with someone like you

it doesn’t matter what you did

who you were hanging with

we could stick around and see this night through

and we don’t care about the young folks

talkin’ bout the young style

and we don’t care about the old folks

talkin’ ’bout the old style too

and we don’t care about our own faults

talkin’ ’bout our own style

all we care about is talking

talking only me and you

usually when things has gone this far

people tend to disappear

now it won’t surprise me unless you do

i can tell there’s something goin’ on

hours seems to disappear

everyone is leaving i’m still with you

it doesn’t matter what we do

where we are going to

we can stick around and see this night through

and we don’t care about the young folks

talkin’ bout the young style

and we don’t care about the old folks

talkin’ ’bout the old style too

and we don’t care about our own faults

talkin’ ’bout our own style

all we care about is talking

talking only me and you

and we don’t care about the young folks

talkin’ bout the young style

and we don’t care about the old folks

talkin’ ’bout the old style too

and we don’t care about our own faults

talkin’ ’bout our own style

all we care about is talking

talking only me and you

talking only me and you

talking only me and you

talking only me and you

Currently Listening :
Writer’s Block
By Peter Bjorn & John
Release date: By 21 December, 2006

 

 

Someone Like You

05 Feb 2007

And so the gap widens. The older you get the more you know yourself and the more you recognize people with the same mindset as yourself. The past 5 years have really brought to my attention the differences between right and left brained, creative and logical minded people. While I have friends that span the board, I often think about how that will work with my future wife. More and more I get the strong feeling that we will not understand each other if we’re not at least similar in this area. If she doesn’t “get” my art, I don’t know if I can be fulfilled in a relationship. For example, if I am really intrigued by a music video and I turn to her to talk about how it struck me on a creative level and inspired me and she just looks at me and says “That was weird,” then I am left with this feeling that I am weird because I liked it so much. This is really frustrating if I don’t lay it in God’s hands.

I need a spirit who can touch my life

I need a voice to speak the truth

I need a soul who will be on my side

I need a heart I’ll never lose

Someone like you

somebody like you

someone like you

Sometimes I wonder if my dreams are white

Sometimes I know they’ll all come true

I need somebody who can move my world

Someone who knows just what to do

Someone like you

Somebody like you

Someone like you x2

-Paul Oakenfold

Currently Listening :
Tranceport
By Paul Oakenfold
Release date: By 03 November, 1998

 

 

 

XXDomiNatorXX

12 Feb 2007

She ran effortlessly along the winding path that was the aorta of the campus. Bright sun lit the spring grass on either side and each time one of her athletic shoes pounded the concrete I watched clear and silvery bubbles spring up like soda water from the point of contact. I heard cheerful birds chirp over head and a dog celebrating the end of chilled air. I saw two people bump into each other creating a white swirl from their arms that drifted like smoke and morphed into a flock of doves. I closed my eyes and just felt myself slide faster and faster down a white slope that was defined by a pale blue sky. The slope was not cold enough to be snow, not even that solid. I was sliding on a mountain of clouds and then they cleared and as I came toward a vast green field my glide curved until my trajectory was parallel to the ground about 1000 feet above. I watched as the grassy field curled itself like a giant rolly polie. It became a ball and continued to tuck itself until it was about as wide and tall as a large oak tree spinning at the rate I was floating. When I opened my eyes again I was laying in the campus quad looking straight into the sky and now it was grey. There were dark blotches of cotton that were gathering from every direction. They began to swirl in a central location forming a funnel. I had never seen a tornado in real life and was pretty sure they didn’t form this fast. I glanced around to see if anyone else noticed and was startled to see not only was no one around, but the campus looked like a scene out of an World War II documentary of Britain. I stood watching the tip of the funnel right down into a building not a hundred yards from me. When it hit I felt the ground shake and saw the concrete all around me split-chaos and noise ensued. Chunks of grass and concrete started to move skyward as if under a galactic vacuum cleaner. There was an electricity in the air and I felt all the hairs on my arms and head stand up straight. By now the sky was pitch black and trees were being uprooted. From inside the building where the twister landed I saw a dark figure emerge. The Dominator was back-and I knew what was about to happen. I closed my eyes and shut out the noise in an effort to savor my last minute of freedom before engaging a merciless battle with him. I laid in my little world on a wooden deck inches above the tranquil ocean water and moving softly at 200 miles per hour. Warm sun evaporating water off my skin. Can I just stay here? Nobody else seems to have this Dominator to fight. WHY AM I ILL EQUIPPED TO COPE? A lazy breeze toyed with my hair. I looked around to find anything to grab onto, to hold me here. Nobody…..

Currently Listening :
Late Night Blues
By Big Bud
Release date: By 06 March, 2001

 

 

The Circle of Life

19 Feb 2007

Janice just started working here, she is a short sweet little lady probably in her 60’s. Today they passed out a staff address list and I noticed in parenthesis next to each person’s name was their spouse’s name. I noticed how there are very few of us without the person in parenthesis. Then I noticed Janice didn’t have one. Maybe she never married but that is unlikely. Her husband probably passed away. That struck in such a way. At my point in life I am at the searching stage not even started on the section of life called marriage. Each section seems like a lifetime of it’s own. Like childhood was this whole lifetime and now there’s single adulthood and then there will be marriage and a family. But do you ever think about after that? It’s so distant and its hard to imagine actually being there in this life. But I used to think that about college and now it’s long gone. I think about Janice and I wonder how you cope with being lonely again? I hope once I find someone I will never have to go back-it’s not like Janice can find some roommates to share a house with, y’know? I have lived alone a couple of times and I never want to hear my own thoughts so loud reverberating off the empty walls again.

Currently Listening :
Mute Math
By Mute Math
Release date: By 26 September, 2006

 

 

DeAdwoRLD

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

01 Mar 2007

Current mood:  cold

Category: Blogging

Do you ever have days when you feel like nothing means anyting? Like Solomon said “Everything is meaningless”. I feel at times like my friendships are fragile and one group of people I’m hanging out with today will be bored and leave the next day. A lack of response to postings >>deAd<< I feel like everything I do is in vain. At one time I thought the Vox was an awesome creative outline and now I feel like it’s just a piece of trash for people to prop up the short leg on their table. I feel like I’m running all the time to make sure I’m taking in as well as giving out but in the mean time I’m neglecting my talent. I know I’m not putting enough faith in God and I feel too tired to give more. Encouragement acts as a billows on a fire, giving new strenth, but not long after its blow the fire comes down again. If only encouragement came more often. Last night at the Door, Paul talked about the marriage relationship. He said man is not complete without woman; indeed the Bible says it is not good for man to be a alone (Gen. 2), and that she is his helper, councilor, comforter, etc. So then what is a single guy left with? If it is God’s plan for me to be alone, I havn’t a peace about it. ANyway-that’s a tangent. I have had encouragement, but it just doesn’t seem to last. I’m talking more specifically with my comic strip. The realist has to think the lack of encouragement is a natural sign that it just isn’t working. It’s not funny. (I could agree with that) So what now? After hours, days and weeks spent sketching ideas, penciling to bristol, inking and finishing up, scanning and posting-did I simply go too far down the wrong fork in the road? I once had a mission-I was going to learn how to do it right-I was going to get syndicated. So what happened? Well-discouragement….should I keep sending these strips off when I don’t even feel like they’re funny myself. It’s cold again. Maybe it’s the cold, maybe theirs no grease in my gears. I have a driave to create. I want to make songs, I want to play my drums, play my guitar. I want to make movies, animations. There is so much crap rollicking in my head in a temultuous storm. I want to write. There is no time and what’s worse, there is no audience. (Not completely-there has from time to time a person to flip through my sketch book and say -THis is cool, you should be a children’s book illustrator! And I’d love to…) In giving a couple of friends a ride home last night I discovered an expectation in my mind….something like-what’s in it for me? Maybe this will be an opportunity for them to know me better and intoduce me to a girl my age…maybe they will like me more and need my friendship….What? Why can’t I just give them a ride because they need it? Hmm, maybe it’s just knowing after I drop them off, I’m driving home and nothing is going to happen [tonight]. Today is a dead end-no possibilty for opportunity. I’m tired of the glass wall I talked about in a blog last summer. I’m tired the same old same old yet I have a death grip on it. I don’t want to leave my friends and so I hang around wearing out my welcome until they leave me. I’m tired of ordering a beer just to hold my seat so I can be social. I like coffee at obscure diners. I like telling and hearing stories. I hate when the bar/restaurant turns up the music so loud you have to yell to the person 2 feet away. Why, even after knowing God wants an intimate relationship, do I still forget Him? And slap in Him in the face with my doubt and unbelief? Tonight I hope more than 3 people show up. But then again, if no one shows up I won’t have to do it-this thing I have taken on. It’s already brought stress on me-commitment. I  have never really been a leader..people seem to be perfectly happy not following me-so what do I expect taking this leadership position? Well, I hope humbly I can facilitate the Gospel. OK, this was a HUGE rambling and I should be working….

Currently Listening : Pure Moods By Jean Michele Jarr

 

You Gotta Tell Your Homies

06 Mar 2007

1. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle? Shirt yeah (I’m more talented than my cousin who did that and rolled his car)

2. What’s something you MUST do before you die? be at least an extra in  movie, get my comic strip published, be a voice talent in a cartoon, get married, go to as many countries as possible, learn spanish, japanese, german,  have kids so I can’t build forts with them in the backyard, go bungee jumping, get a motorcycle, go skydiving, see Norma Jean in concert, design at least one CD cover for a big time band, go snowboarding at Whistler, visit my sponsored kids, swim with the dolphins

3. What’s one thing you will not eat? a live bug

4. What color is your underwear? red plaid

5. When’s the last time you went out of state? Fall 2005 when SteveO and I drove to Salt Lake to see MxPx

6. What’s your birthstone? don’t know don’t care

7. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton? who hasn’t? the question is, have you ever drank vegtable oil from the bottle? no

8. Can you hula hoop? for about 5 seconds

9. Have you ever crawled through a window? so many times, in cars and houses alike

10. Any cool scars? my best one is my longboarding scar on my left tricep

11. Name an old school song you like? She Loves You by the Beatles

12. Do you talk to yourself? frequently

13. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yeah-if circumstances were right

14. How much does your dog weigh? if I had a dog I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass how much it weighed

15. Ever waxed your legs? why the crap would i do that?

16. Earrings or necklaces? on girls…hmmm, can I say both?

17. Who have you talked to most today? Charity (she’s the only person I’ve talked to)

18. Who’s on speed dial 5? i have no speed dial

19. Are you a bad influence? I try not to be, but I know I have been

20. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot? sometimes

21. Are your grades good? I have no grades

22. Do you have any friends with benefits? nope-none of my friendss beneft me (j/k)

23. Have you ever enjoyed listening to Jack Johnson? yes

24.Do you have a song by ozzy osborne in your library? surprisingly no

25. Do you watch Family Guy regularly? nope-I never have time for TV anymore

26. Have you ever watched a little kids show? My bro and I were avid Sesame Street watchers in the day

27. What is your favorite Disney movie? Emporer’s New Groove!! BOOM BABY!

28. What is your Zodiac sign? don’t know don’t care-oh wait, it’s Capricorn-still who cares?

29. What makes you feel like a kid again? Watching  Scooby Doo with my bro

30. What is your nationality? Swedish

31. What sport do you dislike most? to watch on TV, baseball

32. Have you ever gone scuba diving? no, put that on my list of things to do

33. What’s your favorite smell? girl

34. Are you modest? to a point

35. Do you care what others think about you? too much

36. What do you do when your driving? rest my hands on a circle gripping it enough to rotate it clockwise or counterclockwise based on my direction and speed of travel-I know, isn’t that cool? Some other people do it too

37. Do you kiss and tell? you gotta tell your homies

38. Do you follow college football? nope- I like football, but no time!

39. Where was the last place you went shopping? JC Penny to use a gift card I won at X Games

40. Last time you drank alcohol? Wednesday at the Rockslide I had a coffe liquor drink-yum

41. Favorite football team? THE BRONCOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

42. Do you watch the Olympics? a little bit, the winter olypics last year was awsome because of Shaun White taking gold in the super pipe!

43. Last bar you went to? Bub’s Pub even though it was for Sunday afternoon lunch

44. Do you have a favorite number? 7

45. Were you an outcast in middle school? yep. I always hung with the misfits

46. Are you multitasking right now? absolutely!

47. Could you handle being in the military? I don’t think so-I can’t have someone else in control of my life 24/7

48. Do you believe in Karma? not in a religious way. but there are consquences to your actions and “what goes around” can “come around”

49. Describe your back yard? large, bumpy, with horshoe pit, 3 out of commission vehicles, broken trampoline, dead fridge and a couple of old sofas….oh my gosh we sound like renecks!!

50. How is the weather today? cloudy

Currently Listening : Short Bus By Filter Release date: By 25 April, 1995

 

 

The Inherent Problem with MySpace

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

22 Mar 2007

Chapter 1: The Disgusting Reflection

I leaned forward and sank my head into my pillow trying sleep from a sitting position. I didn’t know the guy to my right or the couple behind me. I watched out the window into the dark as the desert sped by. There was a devil in the Mohave and he was anxious to fight what was stirred in my mind by the previous week’s events. He got me thinking, he asked me questions, told me things and I got mixed up in the conversation as to whether it was him or me. You don’t fit in here. You’re not being yourself. The guy directly in front of me was probably 7 years younger than me, but out of all the “adults” around me, I felt closest to his age. I still can’t fathom being in my late 20’s. Nothing is changing, not thing. You don’t have what it takes to change things for yourself. You’re a lot older than all your friends and it’s more obvious to them than you think. You’re not as “in” as you think. You should find people your age to hang out with – holding on to these friends is immature. I wrestled with the Mohave devil and he held me down. I tried to reason that some things went well but he had a rebuttal for everything I said. Later when I saw the pictures – I didn’t recognize myself at first. Am I really that guy? I don’t feel like I look. I’ve gotten fatter, haven’t I? I have this hideous slouch. My egghead has never been so boastful. When I looked in the mirror I wanted the mirror to close it’s eyes quietly and never wake up again. “I am so ready for change,” I said 6 years ago, and then 5 years ago….but I really meant it 4 years ago when I broke down once and for all. A second later I was saying it for real 3 years ago. You become numb to your ultimatum of self. The only release is to pretend like nothing is happening. Think of something else…..

Chapter 2: Rebecca’s Revolution

I knew in my head I needed to this, but it I knew it in my heart when Rebecca sent me a drawing in the mail. This girl was real, no longer a poster child. I was shaken to the core. A couple of my close friends were involved in Young Life and they were sacrificing huge amounts of time to make a difference in kid’s lives. I took note and admired the work they put in. A couple other friends left familiar territory and went far, far away because God told them to. And I asked myself, are you afraid? And God asked me what is most important in life? Money started to lose value as it came in like never before in my life. You have to find out for yourself what a new drum set, a new laptop, paintball gun, snowboarding gear and a longboard can’t do for you. Bono, using his celebrity as cash, chose to spend it in the most noble way. This friend of mine went to Boise Bible college, these other friends went to Bible college in California and God asked me how old were you when you gave your life to me? Chepto, can I help you? I’ll do what I can. Some friends of mine are working on Campus to diciple college students. I’m realizing a Revolution in World Ministries. I tried to make Hernando’s slide work better. I couldn’t believe he was playing about 30 yards from a landfill…and worst of all he had no parents…. Then I realized it….the Mohave devil was powerless against me when I was playing with Hernando, when I was sending Rebecca a drawing back.

Chapter 3: MySpace’s Fatal Flaw

How did this stupid online profile thing sweep the country and even the world? I’ll tell you what it offers, it gives you a chance to display things about yourself people wouldn’t normally know or see. Suddenly you can advertise yourself by picking all the photos you look hot in. You can convey exactly what you feel in a blog and it’s available 24/7 for anyone to read. You can see “what’s up” with all your friends. Gossip leaves a “paper” trail accessible any time of day. You get comments to you and about you and even more juicy is a message for your eyes only. The addicting part of MySpace comes when you open your account and you have New Comments, New Messages and New Picture Comments. They all have the potential to be little self-esteem boosters. You feel like your losing it when the comments run dry, though. When your only friend requests start to be fake profiles built by some stupid porn company you start to feel this artificial let down. The inherent problem with MySpace is that it’s all about me, me, me. As long as your eyes are on yourself, you will be more and more let down…. to be continued…?

Currently Listening : Transmissions By Juno Reactor Release date: By 25 January, 1994

 

Good Friends Good Times

26 Mar 2007

Check out this video: Good Friends Good Times

Current mood:  happy

Its weird how all the seemingly insignificant times mean so much when you look back on them. Making this video was hard because I wanted the pictures to be really random and so it was difficult know which ones I had and hadn’t picked already. Also there are so many friends that aren’t in it and that kind of sucks. But man we had some good times

 

Always Confused

09 Apr 2007

Tonight it’s time choose a direction if you fail you can make a correction some way now make life faster make your mind up for once this time it’s hard to know where i’m supposed to go it’s so hard to know where i’m supposed to go tonight, tonight (repeat all previous lyrics) tonight i’m going to let it go and try and let it be because i know you see… it’s hard to know where i’m supposed to go but there is a way and tomorrow is a brand new day it’s hard to know where i’m supposed to go but there is a way and tomorrow is a brand new day    ~Tonight by Sixpence None the Richer (from Devine Discontent)

Seems like every choice I have right now has huge consequences and someone could get hurt  no matter what I do. Although doing nothing is easy, it’s not an option.

Currently Listening : Divine Discontent By Sixpence None the Richer Release date: By 29 October, 2002

 

 

The House of Desmond Blackwood

23 Apr 2007

Many a  good story starts out with “It was  a dark and stormy night,”. Maybe that is why I am so intrigued by thunder and rain. “Normally a great cloud of dust would follow you down the country road that led to Link’s Woodshop, but not that night. This Friday evening, heavy rain would make my usual route muddy. It was no matter though, as I could drive this road in my sleep having commuted this way for ten years now. ” Something about creepy stories lights my imagination on fire… “That was the night I really took notice of that old house just over the irrigation ditch. I heard that place was called The House of Desmond Blackwood. Through lead-heavy rain drops landing on glass which my winshield wipers were fighting a losing battle, I could bare;y make out one corner of the house behind years of unkept shrubbery and trees grown out of control. My gaze was drawn to the window with a rock sized hole though it.” Something about the unknown being around every corner draws me in. I have come to understand it as an attraction to mystery, not the dark. I like reading stories where the writer is building you up and you’re not even aware of it until a certain moment. A light in your head clicks on and you realize everyhting he just wrote was a metaphor. Or you realize evey detail before that point meant something and wasn’t just filler. “I couldn’t help it, deep in my nature I have to explore these things. I pulled off the side of the road and pulled the hood on my jacket over my head. Armed only with a small keychain flashlight, I approached the rusted pipe that acted as a bridge across the irrigation ditch,” When I stop breathing, I want to be remembered for making life bearable and more fun, introducing ideas and helping people to think more creatively. I got to thinking about Cho, and how he is dead now and everyone hates him and he doesn’t have a chance to change that now. I want to be at peace with everyone if that’s possible. “I struggled to stay balanced on the pipe that was now slippery with rain and the little layer of slime it made out of the dirt that was had settled on top. As I got to the other side I was able to look up from the pipe. I was only about 30 yards from the house, but the rain soaking through my jacket made if feel like 100 yards. Suddenly I became aware of something very strange about that house.” Like there’s something just around the corner, a secret, a treasure…that’s the way it will be when I’m gone. The better friends we were, the deeper the mystery and the bigger the treasure for you. If you knew me, truely knew me, you would know I left something. You would be able to find my password in a drawing, that would unlock my laptop where you would, if you cared enough, be able to find the beginning of a map. “What I saw next would change the way I thought about my entire existance. I would instantly believe in things I only imagined before. What I saw was terrifying, yet intriguing……” And then bam, you get it, you follow it, your tickled because life has so much meaning and you’re  a part of the story.

Currently Listening : Donnie Darko (Score) By Michael Andrews

 

 

The Greening Cycle This Time Around

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

18 May 2007

As living beings sprung into existence from the same hand of God that set into motion the unstoppable cycle of life so evident in the blooming of spring, we too feel the moving, the life, the growth of this time of year. Muffled by decay and the constant winding down of time, we are alienated from the deep symbiosis we were created to be a part of. I don’t know how accurate I am in my assumption, but I feel like this yearly cycling is part of, and stirs procreation. I think she, being the culmination of all creation in eve, is like the blooming flower in all her beauty and she has no idea how her smile is like that short moment when the sun is at its brightest and bringing out the most brilliant of its residing colors. The planets seem to be aligning again, and I feel ill prepared to catch what is coming my way-God help me.

Currently Listening : The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers By Howard Shore Release date: By 10 December, 2002

 

What Makes You You

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

29 May 2007

I think at some point in everyone’s life, you ask yourself “Who am I?” I think the question is really spurred on by an admiration people you know (or maybe even a character in a movie) who really owns their personality. Everyone talks about that person and how he or she is so ______ (fill in the blank) And so you ask yourself, who am I? What is it that makes me, me? What am I good at? What do I like to do? What do I believe in? What do I believe in apart from what my parents brought me up believing in? What things do I wear, say or do because it was mom & dad wanted me to do, or certain group of friends was into? Am I conservative or liberal?  I think you really discover these things through your 20’s. I really think the best way to learn these things is to strip away everyhting you were taught and told to do and rebuild it all. Play devil’s advocate in your mind to everything you believe. Talk to and really listen to opposing views and…*gasp* consider those views! I think in the realm of Christianity that I was brought up in, there is this mentality that ‘I am right-there is no need to consider anything else-it’s all foolishness” And so what happens is you start to attach traditions and rules that were made up by people to the actual truth of the Christianity. There is a reason that Revelation tells us not to add to the Word-because humans are fallible and no matter how well meaning we are, we can still be dead wrong. A lot of rules and philosophies sound great, but in all of God’s wisdom He can see them  played out with all of their  implications and some of them lead to destruction. Find out who you are, what YOU believe. I discovered that there are many ideas in opposition to the way I was brought up that make sense and dare I say, are even Biblical. Anyway, that’s a bit of a rabbit trail. I meant to write this about what are the criteria of who a person is? I think a lot of it is what you’re into and how that affects your paradigm. Me, for example-I love music, rock & rock history, I love art and am intrigued by M.C. Escher and Salvador Dali and so I was an art student at Mesa State. Also I am a Christian and attend church regularly. So with these interests and beliefs, I naturally end up around like minded people (somewhat). I’m wondering how blind I am to other paradigms. After being with similar people for a long time you might start to think everyone is like them. If you hang with a crowd of people who are disgusted with smoking and hate everyhting about it, then if you read articles and see news about how harmful smoking is and how it is being banned in restaurants, it might seem like the whole world is coming to it’s senses in that area. Then for whatever reason you are thrown into a situation where everyone not only smokes, but has no qualms about it, it can throw you for a spin. I could go on and on about this….

Currently Listening : Diana Ross and the Supremes – The Ultimate Collection By Diana Ross & Supremes Release date: By 07 October, 1997

 

 

Quote Me in the History Books

06 Jun 2007

I’ve decided if I ever want anything I have said or wrote quoted in history I have to a.) Have some sort of fame attached to my name, b.) Word things cleverly. It seems to me famous quotes can be about anything as long as they are worded to sound intellectual. As an artist I was struck by Hitler’s quote “As for the degenerate artists, I forbid them to force their so-called experiences upon the public. If they do see fields blue, they are deranged, and should go to an asylum. If the only pretend to see them blue, they are criminals, and should go to prison. I will purge the nation of them.” What an asinine thing to say, yet how many Germans (particularly) Nazi’s nodded their heads in agreement to his foul statements? Hitler claimed to be Christian but seemed to forget that Jesus Christ was a Jew in the line of King David. How the hell did so many people not object to him in that time? Fear, and the power of carefully constructed words designed to persuade.

Currently listening : In the Spirit By The Holmes Brothers Release date: 14 February, 1992

 

 

Father’s Day Tribute to Dad, Granddad & Great Granddad

18 Jun 2007

I’ll have you know that I come from a line of very tough men. Men who have seen it all and have been “baptized by fire”. I bought this little book of photos from Borders called Century which contains snapshots from every year of the 20th century. For some reason I have been drawn to it like a rubbernecker driving by an auto accident. It’s really sad the vast majority of the photos depict wars, atrocities, famines and trauma. The book will make make you see the world a little different. If you’re anything like me you grew up fairly peaceful, in an adequate house with adequate food & water. We were never rich, yet I have always had everything I needed. I have never been involved in any riots, wars or killing of any sort. From my point of view growing up, it always seemed like those things were few and I only saw them on the news or in newspapers. After reading this book though, I feel more like my life is the exception, that I live in a protective bubble (thank the Lord). The world has been in a constant state of war and fighting with relatively few people escaping the effects of that. I was looking through a photo album my mom put together of photos she recently got of my great Granddad whom I had never really seen before. My Granddad hobbled over with his cane and saw me looking through. This man, retired Master Sargent Roland Anderson pointed at a photo of his father and said “That’s the man there. He was a tough guy. One time when I was a child, I was out in the barn and horse kicked me in the ribs. My ole’ man was so pissed off, he went out there and punched that horse so hard he killed it,” I couldn’t believe what he said, “With his bare hands?” I asked. My granddad nodded with a look of seriousness. My Granddad having been a paratrooper in Vietnam has many stories I haven’t heard, but one he told the next night at dinner. We were talking about tooth aches and he said when he first arrived in Vietnam he had a toothache and the side of his face was swollen really big. He told a(medic?) and the medic said he would not be able to use Novocain without first treating the infection with an antibiotic. In the disorganized state they were in in Vietnam, they had no antibiotics available. Granddad was in tremendous pain and said, “Can you just take it out with some pliers?” It took six men to hold him down while the medic yanked his tooth out without any Novocain. My dad worked as welder for 25+ years at strip mine where I grew up, in one of the 4 coldest places in Colorado. Year after year of welding in “less than convenient” situations. He welded on draglines and frequently had to spend entire days welding overhead while on his knees in the “tub” . His least favorite job, he had to climb into a “walk box”, the machine’s giant gear box, that was like having to immerse yourself in grease and weld there all day. Many days he hiked up and down the long flight of stairs of the dragline’s boom in Craig’s below zero weather. Once in a machine shop, he was hammering out a bent hydraulic that was being held by something like a 200 ton press. 200 ton! Something gave way on one of his swings and the hydraulic popped out hitting him a glancing blow to side of his face. The next thing he knew he trying to get up amidst a pool of blood wondering what happened. The blow shattered his cheek bone and he had to have plastic surgery. The doctor said if it weren’t a glancing blow, it would have killed him. Now I feel like I have it more than easy. I’m a graphic designer, I love my job…but what did I do to deserve this? I can only thank God for the life I have.

Currently listening : 14:59 By Sugar Ray Release date: 12 January, 1999

 

 

Dark Clouds and My Empty Juice Box

21 Jun 2007

I know how my buddy feels. The worst part about watching him suffer is that I can’t help him because I’m in the same boat. It’s like he’s burning and I would do anything to put a bucket of water on him, but I can’t. It’s like he’s up against an unstoppable force and he’s given it his every last ounce of energy. What’s weird about this force…this wall is that it is fairly easy for some people to cross. Others it is difficult, but some of us find it to be the greatest challenge in our lives. We hold meetings to discuss how to break it down, climb over it or get around. We wait for the opportune time and fire every weapon in our arsenal at it, yet it remains strong…even more resilient. I have conferred with those on the other side of the wall about how they might suggest I come across, yet they seem as dumbfounded as me. They may see some errors in my tactics, but overall they don’t see a reason my weapons don’t have any effect on it. In the spiritual realm, our biggest obstacle between us and God is…well…it’s us. It’s selfish ambition. I’ve heard it said that one of the most selfish things a person can do is feel sorry for their self. Yet some times a dark cloud gathers over head no matter how bright the sun is outside. I had on clown makeup and I think I did a good job of applying it cause no one knew. It was a big happy smile and I laughed a lot to help sell it. I don’t mean to say that I wear the stuff all the time…just sometimes. I really want to  be real with people, but sometimes you are so scared to let people know you’re not solid and unwavering. I want to be strong because I know God is all that matters, not all these petty little things that go on. I know there are far more important things to focus on. But sometimes the cloud over you rains and starts to wash off the clown makeup. Sometimes you can’t bottle it all up any more. I am so confused at where I am and how this is all playing out. It seems I can’t get a foot hold on this rock face I’m climbing. It seems like my mouth is parched and I’m trying to suck every last drop out of my juice box-I won’t give up-but I need to realize the box is empty. Once in a while a tiny tiny drop comes up the straw and I tell myself it’s so much more than it is. My mouth imagines it a mouthful., sucking it in over the top of my tongue and trying to let it cover the back and side, trying to feel it with my cheeks. Josh…it’s empty. Well, maybe if I hold the box at such an angle and get the straw right down in the corner….maybe if I wait a while all the juice on the walls of the box will settle down there. See how every ounce of my energy is focused on this stupid thing? I’m tired of trying to make drops into full boxes of juice. Why can’t I just get a full box, like all my old roommates, my brother, all my cousins, all my old youth group…it kind of seems like EVERYBODY. I ask God over and over…it seems like He keeps saying wait…but…but God I have…I’ve waited more than anyone….well…except my buddy. I just want to vent. I need to vent. But who do you vent to? MySpace blog for now…I guess that’ll do for now….

Currently listening : Bethib Meen By Angham

 

Dream: Subverting the Badguys

27 Jun 2007

Last night I dreamt I was at my home in Craig but my parents weren’t there. I think I may have been with my roommates or possibly a couple of other friends. It was night and I can’t remember what we were doing, probably hanging out. I looked across to an adjacent wall and saw the shadow of the end of a rifle (I think it had a bayonet on the end). Without making a commotion I tried to find out where it was coming from. The details here are a bit faint but I realized four armed robbers had the drop on us. I either had my .45 with me or close by and loaded. Somehow I was able to turn the tables to where I had the advantage without them realizing it. Again the details are fuzzy but I shot one of them in the chest and and was able to hold the others at bay. Realizing I now had the drop I told them to drop their guns. I think 2 of them did but one resisted. I told him I was serious and when he would not listen I shot him in the neck. The other two hit the floor. I remember thinking I didn’t mean to fatally wound anyone and feeling slightly bad for shooting them. The four of them laid in a row next to each other terrified. I told them that I didn’t mean to shoot them where I did, but I was nervous (in a sort of tone like, well-this is what you get trying to stage an armed robbery) Keeping my pistol trained on them I yelled at my friends to call 911 and get an ambulance over there immediately. I think this dream may have been influenced by Chad, SteveO, Lawrence and my recent confrontation with some drunk transients who approached us unprovoked and threatened to “kick our asses” for hanging out in front of a liquor store. Most of us are fairly non-confrontational and walked away. Others of us were not to be threatened and it took everything to keep us from leaving some lasting impressions on those guys.

Currently listening : King of Kings By Don Omar Release date: 23 May, 2006

 

 

Powell Reflections

09 Jul 2007

I know you can relate-t’s so freakin’ hard to come back to the “same ole same ole” after an incredible weekend. My shoulders sting from sun burn, my rear is bruised from hitting the surface of water from 30+ feet in the air multiple times, my right ankle is sliced and a little puffy from kicking a boat prop, my left thumb is sliced open from our canopy that was destroyed by wind-all these little reminders of this weekend at Lake Powell. There was danger all around. Danger of blistering sun, danger of rattlesnakes (we saw 2 – Ben killed one), getting trapped miles away from the boat dock because of Travis’ little dinky boat, danger of landing wrong on any one of our many jumps, yet…somehow a piece of me feels this is natural, this is more like what we were created for. We had no shower, no bathroom. We didn’t change clothes unless for some reason we had to. I wore one pair of trunks and most of the time no shirt or shoes all weekend. I love the gripping feel of the hot rocks on my feet. I loved the minimal approach we took to the trip. There was little if no planning-just make sure you have enough to eat, really. We watched house boat after house boat drive by and while a little piece of me thinks, that would be fun! A bigger piece of me was ecstatic that we didn’t have all that junk and all that money invested into our time at the Lake. We were having every bit as much (probably more) fun than they were. Our foam sleeping bags worked as cushions to sit on and equally well as floatation devices in the water. I loved the challenge of the cliff. At first your body sees the height and says no way! Then you over power your instinct because you know the thrill and the accomplishment will be worth more than your caution. You look off the edge down to the water 30 or so feet down and something in your body holds you back like a chain around your waist. But you break free, trying not to let your logic control you. Somewhere out in the air your body screams out are we committing suicide??? Before the thought is even allowed to ripen, you are in the water thinking hey! that wasn’t so bad! I felt bad for the one girl, Melissa (there were two others, but Rachel and Megan had to leave early Friday morning) the remaining 7 guys couldn’t hold back the instinct to just be guys…I think Melissa was feeling a bit alienated. The guy mentality is : if that first guy jumps…well, he’s just kind of crazy (this was usually Ben) but then a second and third guy go then, then the rest can’t not go. It’s the way of the dude. Scott was amazing as this was his first time cliff jumping. I think all things considered Melissa was trail blazing a new frontier in her life and pushed her own boundaries further than any of us. That being said though, Ben get’s the award for craziest and bravest move, he jumped off a cliff we estimated to be around 60 feet high. Saturday was topped off by cookin’ up brats, fajitas, burgers and dogs and then breaking out the fireworks. I think our loud and bright display lasted around 2 or 3 hours. Things got a little crazy when we started throwing the fireworks at each other. Ben decided to launch a mortar right on the ground. (If you don’t know, these are these are the big colorful ones that explode in the sky) then set one off in our camp fire. It blew up and sent hot coals all over our camp spot…the ground looked the night sky. Then Chad decided to get ‘smores going only he found that the heat of the day had melted the marshmallows into one giant marshmallow. No worries! He opened the bag and folded it back on his hand to create a mellowmit. Once some of the guys skewered blobs of it they started to realize the sticky mess didn’t want to cook and instead dripped all over the place. When Chad smeared a blob on Lawrence it was time to go down to the water to wash off and then Lawrence tackled Chad into the water. Another “war” started as Daniel and T.J. threw chasers and depth charges into the water where the rest of us were. Not only do depth charges look amazingly cool under water-they sound cool, especially when you put your head under water. There was so much more-from T.J.’s losing his Stetson to “Fish Launching Finals”….but I can tell you about that some other time. Man….Monday sure is hard to face after that…..

Currently listening : Glad You’re Mine By Mississippi Heat Release date: 08 November, 2005

 

 

Manifold

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

13 Jul 2007

Check this out: man·i·fold  /’mæn??fo?ld/ Pronunciation Key – Show Spelled Pronunciation[man-uh-fohld] -adjective

1.  of many kinds; numerous and varied: manifold duties.

2.  having numerous different parts, elements, features, forms, etc.: a manifold program for social reform.

3.  using, functioning with, or operating several similar or identical devices at the same time.

4.  (of paper business forms) made up of a number of sheets interleaved with carbon paper.

5.  being such or so designated for many reasons: a manifold enemy.

Anyway-this  is facinating to me. Because we see in Ephesians 3

7I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God’s grace given me through the working of his power. 8Although I am less than the least of all God’s people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, 9and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. 10His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, 11according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Man that is so cool! OK…let that sink in. I don’t want you to skim over this and not see that. God’s manifold wisdom.There is so much to know about Him, so much to explore and learn.And what’s even cooler is that we see these aspects of God in  creation:

Romans1:19 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

Isn’t that FREAKING cool? Every sunset, every blooming flower, the complexities of living organisms, thunder, the sun, the moon, the stars-these are all facets of God.

*     *     *

So I’m swimming through a dense fog…the kind of fog the envelopes everyone opposite you when you haven’t had a good conversation yet. It’s kind of like walking from your bedroom to the kitchen in the pitch black of 3am for a glass of water. Although your path could as well be free of obstacles, your toes can almost feel the bone crunching collisian with a dumbell left out or the corner of the coffee table. This can be all at once exciting as terrifying. From what I already know, there is no reason to think that what I find when the fog is cleared is any less beautiful than what I have seen.

God help me, for so many times I have stood in awe of your creation, something about it going past an image captured by my retina and encircling a piece of my inner most wonder and then fell because I let take over my entire reason for being. God help me keep a level head. Charm is deceitful, so when I look into the heart of another, I want to be amazed by its core; its very  self being quite enough and leaving me needing nothing else.

Currently listening :
French Cuisine
By Alif Tree
Release date: 21 February, 2006

 

 

 

Set on Fire

(Reblogged here on WordPress)

19 Jul 2007

Current mood: pissed off

I haven’t really watched TV in about two years. I don’t have time for it and when I do, I feel like I am wasting so much time and that the reality shows are sucking the life out of me. The bad thing about not watching TV is that I don’t see any news either and don’t really know what’s going on in the world. So I started briefly perusing a news website every day. Man, this is really getting me down. It’s not so much the freaky and weird stuff, like the zookeeper who got his arm bit off by an alligator or the guy who had maggots in his head-or even the wars and conflicts constantly waging. What stirs up my “righteous” anger is the acts committed that can’t be anything other than pure evil. I know that vengeance is the Lord’s, but something in me wants revenge for the 5 year old girl that was thrown alive to an alligator, or the 3 women set on fire by one’s son, or the 18 month old that was slammed up against a door and the wall until dead by an 18 year old live-in boyfriend for “not listening”. Maybe it’s the testosterone in me but I visualize myself unexpectedly showing up at his house having just kicked his door down and subsequently ruining his day by sending him flying through the kitchen window courtesy of my fist to his jaw. I think about raiding a sex-trade camp and pulling the rug out from under the guys who run that operation. If I think about it too much it sets me on fire……

fire

God’s wrath is often desribed as fire. I know God is a just God and as soon as I start to have “righteous” anger toward someone else, I remember that I am not innocent either. Maybe I haven’t been video taping child porn, but whose to say I don’t deserve a combat boot to the face for what I’ve done? There is not one righteous, not one. I think God is showing me with my anger how he feels when we sin. I think he is also showing me that this tragedy called life needed something HUGE to fix it. Thank you Jesus.

Currently listening :
DIXIE CUPS – IKO IKO (26 tracks)
By The Dixie Cups

 

 

Nothing Gold Can…Will… Stay

23 Jul 2007

Current mood: nostalgic

The older you get, the more you have to let go. Let go of times, circumstances, friends and family. It kind of makes you scared to really want or cherish anything. Its so strange how things cycle, and how in a time of barreness you can think about the good times. And then it’s like you’re right there again in that time with those friends. I remember a group of us friends practicing music and singing

“Lord I come to You

Let my heart be changed renewed

Flowing from the grace that I found

In You

Lord I’ve come to know

The weakness I see in me

Will be stripped away

By the power of Your love

Hold me close

Let Your love surround me

Bring me near

Draw me to Your side

And as I wait

I’ll rise up like the eagle

And I will soar with You

Your Spirit leads me on

By the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes

Let me see You face to face

The knowledge of Your love as You live

In me

Lord renew my mind

As Your will unfolds my life

In living every day

By the power of Your love

Hold me close

Let Your love surround me

Bring me near

Draw me to Your side”

Julie would be playing the keyboard, Kristi on the flute, Jacob on drums, Wes, Jared and Jesse on guitar and me on bass. That circle of friends has disapated now. Everyone of them married. It’s quiet how we walk away from that place one day not realizing it was the last. But its OK, because new groups of friends form, and then when that group is gone there is another, and another after that. I remember the troubles, the heartaches of who liked who-and even now 7 or so years later, there are still those issues. I don’t know if it’s like this for you, but when you come upon new situations, it’s like something coming over the horizon, with new hope. But it seems before you realize it, that thing too is over. I’m glad for the opportunities and I’m jealous of my past self- he had some good times, good friends and he was young.

People die. Friends leave. Circumstances change.

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

~Robert Frost

Currently listening :
Free Time
By Straight Furrow

 

 

 

7:31

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

01 Aug 2007

Temptation brushed my ear with her glossy lips and it tickled when she whispered, “It’s OK. It’s OK today. You have fought hard, and stood strong-now reward yourself.” She was right, you know. I made a deal with God, that if I stayed strong, then I could give in every so often-just to stay sane. I had made it far and I deserved a little indulgence. I let my guard down and turned toward her, ready to let go. And that’s when I heard a small voice, “No. Remain obedient. If you want what I have for you, then you will not give into her now-” and the hardest part to swallow, “or ever”. God, why me? Why do I have to stand up under this? No one else has had to to get what they want! I felt so alone and the worst part was I felt powerless. Temptation wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed her plump lips to mine and kissed me. Can this BE any harder? Then she began to undress. I felt if I was a fortress, the walls were crumbling. I screamed for help but there was no answer. She pulled my shirt off and then shoved me onto the bed. At this point it is like being caught in a powerful stream. Things just flow from there. My head was slightly crooked so that I had an upside-down view of my alarm clock. It read 7:31. There was something peculiar about it…I stared for a moment and then realized upside down it was IEL. Immediately my mind shot back to something Eliron Tavori was telling me about a month and a half ago. A number of us sat in the cloud of huka smoke listening to a Hebrew reading of the Psalms. Having grown up in Israel, Eliron and his brothers knew Hebrew and the meanings behind the original words used in the Psalms. Never before had the Psalms seemed so alive as Eliron spoke with an abundance of hand gestures between drags on his cigarette. He explained that his brother Daniel (most of you know him as Danny), he and their other brother all had “IEL” in their name, or “EL” which means God. In Danny or “Daniel’s” case when put with Dan it means “Judged by God”. (My middle name is Daniel by the way). As I looked at the alarm clock I couldn’t believe it. God was telling me he was with me. Temptation had plans to take me somewhere and I was following her, but now I knew I wasn’t alone. I pushed her away and it seemed like I crawled out of a dark room and onto a well lit path. I know that was only one battle and many more will come, but God revealing Himself in such ways gives me new strength for what is to come.

 

 

 

Stick to your Guns

14 Aug 2007

Right now there is a charter school using our church facilities. Everyday I see the kids in their P.E. class or on their recess. Right now I see a bunch of…probably 8 year olds abuzz on the playground. I think if we harnessed their energy we could power the building everyday.

What strikes me the most, though, is their innocence. Something very near 100% of all the people I know over like, 18 have been drunk. Then I look at those kids…can’t they just stay that way? They are so happy, so carefree and so…untarnished. I wish I could do something to shield them from the crap of the world. But I can’t…there isn’t anything I can do. It is inevitable. They will all, at sometime or another, fall into the muck and get pulled down. It is sad, but many of them will likely-at very least- end up one day puking their guts out from drinking too much drinking too much one night. Yeah, one of those kids I can see out my window right now.

I wish my influence was powerful enough to draw them away. I wish I was so persuasive that I could make them want to stay away from that stuff. I remember as a kid saying I would NEVER do some things that I have since done. In other cases though, I have stuck to my guns. It CAN be done..but only by the Lord’s help.

Currently listening :
Superfly
By Curtis Mayfield
Release date: 11 November, 1997

 

 

 

 

The Triumphant Return of the Dominator

16 Aug 2007

I walked through a mangled land stepping in intestines. Cockroaches crawled over the dead bodies and up my legs. I was breathing a steam from the carcasses. Sometimes I slipped and landed face first into rotting flesh as I hiked a steep and jagged rocky trail. It was freezing and I tried hard to keep feeling in my fingers. I’m not sure why I didn’t just fall down and become one of the corpses so total was the Dominator’s destruction.

Then I saw, amazingly, a section of trail where the grass grew and there was a beam of sunshine that cut through the grotesque black clouds and landed on it. Suddenly I noticed a young girl as radiant as the sun. I could not believe this. This was enough hope for me to pull the arrows out of my flesh; the stinging pain eclipsed by the hope she represented. I almost forgot that it was this utopia that I had been fighting for so viciously.

She saw me and with the slightest nod, she beckoned me. I followed her, first cautious, but as I drew near there was nothing I could do to restrain my heart. I knew this could be very dangerous, but after fighting so hard-how do you tell that to your heart?

Finally came the day when I was close enough to hug her. I wrapped my arms around her youthful, luscious body. All at once I heard an audible whisper, as from a ghost-I could almost feel the lips touch my ear- “it’s a trap!” Suddenly razor blades burst out from her body, puncturing me from head to toe. Her face darkened to a sinister smile and her featured seemed to drain. I stood there shocked and bleeding. The Dominator was back.

 

 

 

Whatever Happened to the Wind-chime in the Backyard?

24 Aug 2007

Summers weren’t too hot there and they seemed to last ages. I remember how the air smelled when the breeze lifted from our grassy back yard. The sky seemed bluer and kinder. We would probably go ride bikes around the block or maybe go down to the park and climb trees.

It’s weird how that life gets buried by what comes after it. You face new and different situations, you lose innocence, evil comes and darkens the sky with horrors, with death, with anxiety. It’s hard to mark the beginning or end of eras in your life because they overlap and some are eras within eras. And like the frog that sits in lukewarm water and ends up boiling to death because the water was so gradually heated, so are we slowly boiled by this evil world without noticing it. But if you take your current era and hold it to the light next to one of your earliest, you will more clearly see. If you remember your childhood at all, maybe you remember how carefree it was, how you thought you could do anything! I remember my brother and I sitting down with our best friend, a sheet of graph paper before us, mechanical pencils in hand-we were designing a space shuttle and we were going to build it! For real! You don’t think about how much the supplies will cost, weather you have the tools for the job and least of all, whether you have enough knowledge. Later reality and experience let you know most of what you dream is impossible, or at least very very difficult to achieve.

So what of all this? I was driving home the other day and saw the trees and bushes in front of Two Rivers Convention Center and the evening sun was hitting the leaves as they shimmered in the breeze. The sky toward the east must have been just the right blue because it brought me back to that era when I used to go to the city pool at LEAST once a week in the summer. And I would climb out of the pool and lay on the warm concrete and look up at the trees, leaves shimmering in the afternoon sun. The memory was vivid and brought such a peace of mind. Sometimes I hear a wind-chime and it takes me right back to hanging out in our backyard back at home without a care in the world. Sitting in the shade drinking Momma’s Sweet Tea.

I may never be able to have that kind of peace again, but maybe my kids can, and I can watch them and know just how they feel….and in some way I can get it back.

Currently listening :
Wait for Me
By Susan Tedeschi
Release date: 19 November, 2002

 

 

The Big Idea-Sola Fide

29 Aug 2007

Few things will bring a tear to a man’s eye, and so when revelation and inspiration exploded on the mundane and purposesless city of my mind causing an outward display of emotion, I knew this had to be the nudging of the Holy Spirit. (Doesn’t it give you chills when you read old Bible stories and it says ‘The Holy Spirit came upon him’? You know that dude -weather he be David or Samson- was about ready tear some crap up)

Anyway, let me start from the beginning…or at least a beginning. See, I have always been into 2D art- cartooning, animation, drawing and painting. Throughout my life and mainly in college I have begun to see the difference between a right brained thinker(creative) and left brained thinker(logical). Now, these differences are not black and white and overlap in most people. Some people are more extreme than others in how much they tend to lean in these areas. I, for example, lean pretty heavily in the right brain. I could could go on and on about this, but I just state this as a background understanding as to what inspires me. Friends find this out about me fairly quickly and this is likely why Ben Pritchett knew I would enjoy the movie Waking Life.

I enjoyed the cinematography and artistic expression, but I was intrigued by the philosophical and intellectual discussions about our existence. I feel the views represented in the movie are indicative of many (most?) people who have chosen not to believe in God, especially the Christian God. My assumption is backed up by other such media, mainly the movie “What the Bleep Are We Here For?” I have had many deep talks with my friends (maybe you if you’re interested enough to read this far) and am always left with this feeling that our side, our Christian perspective is not heard….at least not the deeper more intellectual side. I feel like Christianity as a whole has answered these deep philosophical questions with shallow, easy answers so many times that the people asking these questions do and will not see the Christian view of God and the universe as a valid paradigm.

Fast forward a few years and you see me on a book reading kick as of late. A certain few books I have read lately have stirred up my thoughts on these things. these books include, but are not limited to “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller, “Soul Cravings” by Erwin McManus and “The Case for Faith” by Lee Strobel. As I have been reading these, I have come across profound truths, not only in what the author conveys, but how the things they talked about tie in to my own experiences, thougths and things I have learned in life. These epiphanies have moved me beyond what I can explain to you. As I think about these ideas, they go through a Josh Anderson conduit and are translated into pieces of art. Most of them are like vivid little sections of a movie.

And that’s when it sort of hit me. What if I could put together a film, much like the aforementioned ones with all of these profound ideas. Each idea would be what I am calling a “vignette”, a short section probably not more than 5 minutes-an artistic representation of the idea.I am at a point like no other in my life, knowing many very talented and gifted artists, musicians, writers, actors, and people involved in video/film, apologetics and many other fields. The production and final product would serve a couple of  purposes. It would be fun and fulfilling for people with these talents-a way for them to express the art of their interest and hopefully it would get out into the hands of the types of people who side with a humanistic, evolutionary or atheistic paradigm and ultimately being used as a tool to glorify God by casting light on Him and His many facets and maybe…hopefully, in the end bringing people to an understanding of Jesus as God’s Son sent to reconcile us to Him. I have a tentative title for the project: Sola Fide. It is a Latin phrase used in Theology which means by faith alone and refers to the doctrine that we are saved by faith, not works. I think it is also very important when having philosophical debates or discussions because what will happen is, for example, the evolutionist may say “How can their be an Intelligent Designer when something like the cell is so inefficient in it’s process to produce energy by mitochondria?” and my rebuttal would take the debate to another level “How can you look at the all the mechanisms and be so sure it is an inefficient system? Wasn’t it not long ago that doctors thought tonsils were useless and removed them from just about anyone with a sore throat? Could it be that each step in mitochrodria are little glimpses of a much larger picture we have yet to discover?” At which point he would come back with his rebuttal and this goes on until two honest people can see the other side is quite intelligent and well thought out. But we come to a point where the unbeliever says “Prove to me there is a God,” And at that moment, if what we have shown you throughout the movie (including the ridiculous probability of life, the complexity of living things and their symbiosis and their irreducible systems, and if God hasn’t been plain to you through what has been made (Romans 1:20), then I cannot prove God to you. In the end, you must have faith,” and the atheist or humanist or whatever he happens to be is let down, unconvinced “Why doesn’t this all powerful God just show up and say ‘Here I am’!?” See, I believe God created us to love Him…to truly choose to love Him. He wants us to see what He has done and can do and choose to love Him. So He gave us free will, and with free will comes the choice to do wrong, to choose away from God. This is were pain and suffering show up in the picture. (Read Erwin McManus’ Soul Cravings)And so for God, for faith to remain a choice-then He can’t show up and just prove Himself-that would take away our choice. We would then HAVE to believe in Him. So it all comes down to faith. Sola Fide.

OK, that’s sort of a run down on my Big Idea. I have talked to several people about it and they seem interested. I know the success of such an undertaking is first to spread the passion and inspiration and then to give people a who are on board specific roles. If you are at all interested, please message me and tell me your thoughts (or even criticism) Does any of this inspire you? Do you feel like you could contribute? How so? I would like to have an original score written-do you  write music?  Do you have any ideas of a vignette to write? Once I get a script written I will try to break it down into bite size chunks so that people are using their gifts and talents to maximum effectiveness.

This may sound crazy or far sighted, but if you’re at all inspired-we can make it happen.

Here’s the bulletin I sent out:

I’m brewing up an idea…this is huge! If you have a passion in one of these areas please let me know. I will use this list and contact you with further details.

Video (All aspects, from filming, to directing, to editing)

Music- Vocalists, Song writers, musicians

Art – From fine art to Graphic Art

Photography

Writing

Acting

Animation (from traditional to CGI and even Flash)

Apologetics

or if your “thing” is not on here, just tell me what it is (I might need to add it to the list)

New:

Currently listening :
Woman Thou Art Loosed Worship 2002
By Bishop T.D. Jakes
Release date: 29 January, 2002

 

 

The Proverbs of Josh

24 Sep 2007

Observations

The more you want something, the further it runs, the less attainable

Rainy days can extinguish hope, or make me contemplative

People admire strong character and stability, but they desire adventure and impulsiveness

It is good to be nice, but people would rather the approval of the rude

Possibilities are not possibilities at all unless acted upon; only one opportunity can be acted uopn at a time

Seeking wisdom has its rewards, but jealousy of the unwise is slow to leave

The Lord hates arrogance and equally do I, it’s even more disgusting when I find it in me

Melancholy is bittersweet

Strength and wisdom are admirable, but instant gratification is more desirable

Contemplation and introspection have gotten me nowhere

Passion is a difficult fire to light, even more difficult to spread

Leaders are few because great is their responsibility and lonely is their plight

Though my morality is for the Lord, the approval of people I seek

Though people care little and infrequent, I seek their approval over the Lord

The key to fulfilment is the application of talents and gifts given to us by our Heavenly Father

The perception of time shrinks as you get older

An attrocity will be remembered for a lifetime, a miracle for a day

Everyone thinks their situation is unique, everyone wants to be heard

New technology is 10 percent innovation and 90% persuasion of necesssity

You may not desire to be punctual, but everyone waiting on you wishes you to desire to be

When people leave my life I am sad for a time and then learn to live without them, but I have found they are never replaced and always welcome back

Many points are made in an argument, one conclusion made in each of the partcipants mind, and only one truth

In the end truth needs not persuasion, only revelation

Purity has little earthly reward and the days of the impatient are filled with instant gratification

Envy of the wicked comes easily, envy of the pure comes in hindsight

Quiet waiting and decernment can be confused with weak passivity

It is the man’s job to pursue the lady, her job to leave a trail

A girl’s “no” looks a lot like her “hard to get”

Rejection is like a bitter drink, a blowing out of a candel in a man’s soul

Hope is a choice to be made in the face of impending struggle

To grow up is to face struggle, to embrace the mundane

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, rain comes down on the righteous and unrighteous alike

Currently listening :
Tearwave
By Tearwave
Release date: 16 July, 2007

 

 

 

I Wanna Tell You

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

04 Oct 2007

Here’s a song I wrote for a sinking ship but even though that ship rests at the bottom of the sea, the song is applicable to all like situations because it is written about my reticent tendancy in almost every promising situation.

I Wanna Tell You

by Josh Anderson ©2007

capo the 4th fret, finger pick (acoustic or no distortion)

verse 1

G, walk down to E

I wanna tell you – how you look tonight

Like a flower – bursting into bloom

But when you’re standing – right there

Words, they just seem to – run away

verse2

G, walk down to E

I wanna tell you how you – make me feel

Like a sunset after – a long hard day

But when we’re standin’ – face to face

Somethin’ like a glacier – freezes over my brain

Chorus

E, A, C

But I know, we can make it – if you want to

And I know, we can work this – if you wait

And I can, show you your worth – if we try

verse3

G, walk down to E

There’s a treasure hidden – behind your eyes

I have the map to – search it out

If you give me – one more try

(That last verse is a little rough, I’m still working on it)

Currently listening :
In the Garden
By Eurythmics
Release date: 21 January, 2003

 

 

 

 

 

 

Making Potential Energy Into KINETIC Energy

08 Oct 2007

Disillusionment…..it sounds like a sucky thing….but it’s not. It’s coming to the point of seeing something or someone for who they really are. If you get past that honeymoon/rainbows and butterflies of someone and you still want to know them and are still interested, then you really love them. It’s realizing that they are not perfect and will let you down. Let you down, not just in offending you, but not being as spectacular/adventuresome as you thought. We all need to realize this will happen with everyone you really get to know.

Mystery…is compelling. I love mystery…but something I found out about mystery is that it is anticlimactic. (See The Point of Interest that I wrote in issue one of Vox Magazine) A wise saying is that “Life is really lived on the journey, not the destination”. The thing about mystery is that you are driven to seek it out-to discover…if it’s a person, you want to know what makes them tick-why do they think the way they do, do the things they do? If they are deep you, want to plunge into their deepness. But when you do discover what it is you were compelled to discover, you’ve killed the mystery. The discovery is not as fascinating as the wonder.

PUSH – Life is like a dandelion ready to spore. It sits there doing nothing until you kick it, then you send seeds flying through the air. There is tons of invisible potential energy, not just in the physical world, but in our relationships, in our passions. Sometimes I get so sick of my hesitancy, I just want to look at the person to my left and push them on the floor and see what they think of that. I want to…no I resolve to be more kinetic. KINETIC. Watch me. When you go for a run, endorphins are released in your brain, sometimes…it’s like at that moment I know exactly what I need to do….. I have been so scared of the outcome-if I do this, it will make a mess of this other thing I have worked so hard to build…..If I do this then this girl will think I’m a jerk or this other girl will think I don’t care. When I asked her out, it was the same feeling I got after I summited Mt. Whitney. “I did it!” A great weight was lifted off my shoulders. The ensuing disappointment didn’t take away the accomplishment, really. This really goes with creativity too. I definitely identify myself with creative types. But when I look at myself, my creativity is mild – at least to what it could be. Part of it is a fear that people will think I’m a freak if I really go all out and part of it is just not DOING it. More and more I’m finding I get a real rise out of kicking my brain like that dandelion and seeing what flies out. This is getting better!

Currently listening :
Let It Enfold You
By Senses Fail
Release date: 07 September, 2004

 

 

Innocence and Influence

Friday, October 26, 2007

I see her reaching out for acceptance…isn’t that aways it? Let’s really look at this, does anyone really like their first taste of beer? No. It’s an acquired taste-you have to work to get paste the bitter beer face. So why do we do it? It’s the allure of experience. I guess it would be pompous of me to say I’m passed that. But I do remember a time right after high school when I felt like I was only living on the surface of life because I hadn’t experienced all these things that the people around me had. I absolutely HATED that.

Innocence is a term that describes the lack of guilt of an individual, with respect to a crime. It may also be used to indicate a general lack of guilt, with respect to any kind of crime, sin, or wrongdoing.It can also refer to a state of unknowing, where one’s experience is lesser, in either a relative view to social peers, or by an absolute comparison to a more common normative scale. In contrast to ignorance, it is generally viewed as a positive term, connoting a blissfully positive view of the world, in particular one where the lack of knowledge stems from a lack of wrongdoing, whereas greater knowledge comes from doing wrong. This connotation may be connected with a popular false etymology explaining “innocent” as meaning “not knowing”

If you don’t believe in the story of Adam and Eve, I don’t see how you can’t after going through this in life. Why do you think the apple was SO attractive?? Because it was the knowledge of good and evil. Experience is hot. Innocence is not. If you’re innocent then you will ado whatever it takes to get people around you to think “Oh he/she’s not that innocent. He/she has done some stuff,” and by STUFF it has to be shocking. Drugs is the best one. What better way to get the upper hand socially then to have someone under estimate you by thinking you’re  a squeaky clean church person and then find out you have done some “stuff”.

Well I’m calling bullshit. I have the advantage of having gone through this phase to get this vantage point. The vantage point that says – in the end innocence really is hotter. Integrity, honesty, wisdom, kindness, patience are MORE attractive than “stuff”. Not someone who has naively stayed in their bedroom to avoid the world. But someone who is powerful…someone who is legendary and irreplaceable, is someone who was there rubbing elbows with people doing “stuff” and had the strength to say no. Without being judgmental, they have been to the far reaches of “experience” weather it be sex, drugs, drinking, stealing…. they have been in a situation where they could do it and the made the right decision. The right decision is ALWAYS the harder decision. They risk rejection and feeling stupid and feeing like the least experienced person in the room.

If someone had told me this in my first year of college I would have plugged my ears. And that’s the sad thing, I was not looking for wisdom then, only experience. And no matter what some older person could have told me then, I HAD to try it on my own. Thank God I had the sense to stay at least moderate.

Influence: I have been reading Chasing Daylight (Seizing Your Devine Moment) by Irwin McManus and there is a chapter on influence. Influence is MUCH more powerful than authority. If someone in authority tells you “don’t do drugs” you’re like whatever. But if someone has INFLUENCE over you-then you won’t want to. And so that is the one thing I hope to achieve…influence. It’s hard. I want most of all to influence people to look toward God, to seek wisdom. Proverbs tells us to seek wisdom above everything, to seek it like we wold gold or silver. Let’s quit getting mixed up in what we desire: experience (as in “stuff”) or wisdom.  “…so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves.” Matt. 10:16.

One more thing, experience isn’t a bad thing (but you understand in what context I meant it). You can break into much deeper things in life that are much more healthy, beneficial and wise.

Currently listening :
Ruthless By Law
By RBL Posse
Release date: 08 November, 1994

 

 

 

All Around

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Monday, November 05, 2007

I don’t know how theologically correct this is, but I have this theory that, along with the entropy of the physical earth, there is also entropy of mind and spirit. On the one hand you might say, how can that be? With our technological advances, we’re far superior to ancient civilization. But I don’t think so. I think we discover and build and innovate based off of previous knowledge, but I think if the world had remained in a perfect state as in the garden of eden, we would have been much further along (probably in a much different way…I could write an entire book about that “other way”) Just think of the setback of he Flood and the tower of Babel.

Anyway, my real point here is the spiritual degradation we’re also facing. I think the Enemy works in this area best by blinding us to the spiritual world. “The devil’s greatest trick is convincing people he doesn’t exist” -Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects. Now, I could write at least an entire blog on the dark spiritual world that seems fictional but is in fact very real. And I could talk on things I have witnessed as well as things my friends have seen.

But really what I want to talk about is the beauty that is all around us.

I think a combination of a world that is falling apart and an Enemy that is intentionally blinding us makes more and more difficult to see God’s hand, his finger print on the everything around us.

I mean, it’s one thing to see an awesome sunset, or a tropical waterfall and be blown away by it. But what about the tiny everyday things?

Currently listening :
Appassionato
By Yo-Yo Ma
Release date: 09 January, 2007

 

 

 

Toils, Healing and Our Non-Cyclic Cosmos

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

So I just got done reading “Chasing Daylight (Formerly Seizing Your Devine Moment)” by Erwin  McManus. It is pretty good although the book probably could have got the same point across in like 3 chapters. (Soul Cravings was much better)

AnYway, he finishes the book with a passage:

1 Corinthians 15:50-58 which ends with “Therefore, my beloved brethren, be stedfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.”

When I read that word toil, it was like all at once all of the history of the word flashed through my mind. All of the saints, all of those following the Lord, all those volunteering and serving and leading and pushing on in the name of the Lord; they struggled so hard and faced the darkness that tried to tell them there was no God and all their work was for nothing.

This of course includes Martha, in John 11. This is when Jesus and Martha’s good friend and Mary’s brother Lazarus just died. When they first tell Jesus he was sick, Jesus says that this sickness will not end in death and stayed where he was (several miles away). Then Lazarus died and Jesus finally goes over there (this was all His plan) after 4 days. Martha’s kind of like “Why didn’t you come right away? You could have saved him!” Then Jesus explains to her that He is the Resurrection and the Life & whoever believes in him will never die and then He asks “Do you believe this?” And right here, Martha’s faith just kind of floored me-mainly because in her simple response she wrapped up all of who Jesus was/is and in that believed in His power. Then Mary comes out with some others and they are were still mad at Him even though He deeply cared for Lazarus too -we see this because He too wept. So they go to the tomb and Jesus tells them to move stone across the entrance. Now all the sudden Martha doesn’t seem so full of faith, she’s worried about the stench of a dude that has been dead all week. Then Jesus is like “Didn’t I tell you that if you believed you would see the power of God?” and then He goes “LAZARUS, COME OUT!” and Lazarus comes out of there lookin’ like a mummy for Halloween. I just got kind of excited about what happens when we place faith in the Lord.

Recently Pastor Kirk (at Canyon View Vineyard) gave a message on healing with a testimony from a guy named Steve Sanford who was healed of cancer. Right after that message a woman went up for prayer who just found out a lump in her breast had spread to a full blown cancer mass reaching up to her lymph-nodes. That week she went back to the doctor and it was gone!

I got to thinking about healings, and why God sometimes heals and sometimes doesn’t. I think for us, we want that person to stay alive, to stay in our lives, but in God’s perspective we should know (if they are saved) that leaving here is much better. So why would He keep someone who has believed in His atonement here on earth? I think God performs miracles for the purpose of bringing people to believe in Him. Right before Jesus called Lazarus out He thanked God for hearing Him although He knew God would hear Him, He said that so that those around would hear and believe. I think we need to stop seeking things for our personal benefit or because it makes us feel good, but to see it in relation to the big picture, the big story. I was just reading The Problem of Pain by CS Lewis and he says[talking about the universe] “…where irreversible entropy gives time a real direction and the cosmos, no longer static or cyclic, moves like a drama from a real beginning to a real end.” OK, let that statement sink in for a while, it’s really deep.

Currently listening :
Wind and Mountain
By Deuter
Release date: 02 April, 2001

 

 

 

Not Really Alone

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

It’s weird how you can have so many friends yet walk through an entire day utterly alone. Yesterday after work I went to a gym, then to the store for groceries. I was in the check out line wondering why/how am I so alone? I mean I go through periods of time when I am surrounded by people but it seems there is a gravity always pulling me toward loneliness. Every time I start thinking this way though, the Lord says in His still small voice, “No, you are not alone. I am here with you,”. That’s not usually what I want to hear. I want Him to push me out of this empty eddy and back into a stream. So I usually don’t listen to Him. But for some reason it hit me last night-it doesn’t matter whether I spend the rest of my life being lonely if I just focus on the things of the Lord. I wrote about this before, about how focusing on things other than yourself fixes the problem of not liking yourself. I am constantly looking at other people and comparing myself. What am I doing wrong? What choices have I made that have put me here? Is it money? I have chosen to be a graphic artist, not a doctor, lawyer or even construction worker. Would people like to be around me more if I spent more time working out, if I had newer and bigger truck, if I owned a house, if I had in my past prison time or drugs? Of course not. What if I had a college degree, no debt, worked a jobbed I was passionate about, led a Bible study, desired to help people, gave money to all kinds of causes, went to church, threw parties at my house? No. It must be these things I cannot change, the way I look, my balding head, my age, my reserved personality, bad posture. Maybe, but I’ve seen much worse people who aren’t in this “eddy”. Then in that check out line God was saying “Look at what you’re comparing yourself to. I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is if you desire to follow me. I will give you the desires of your heart. You don’t need to care what the world thinks, because you will never impress them.” Suddenly, even in my imperfection, I felt accepted and legitimate. I went home to an empty house and made dinner…something called Scalloped Corn with my new Mae CD playing in the background. I love how music fills an empty house. Then I read my Encyclopedia of Rock. I read about Micheal Jackson and Madonna. And I wonder how pop stars get so big, how do they sell so many albums? Jacko’s Thriller sold I think 48 Million. I think it was/is a record. How is it they hit on something SO MANY people like? Every time I have a BBQ or party, no matter what music I play, someone complains about it. I enjoy an incredibly diverse selection of music, yet I still can’t figure out how to keep the masses happy. I listened to the new Smashing Pumpkins-Zeitgeist. I heard Billy Corgan got saved. I am thrilled. Someone who played part of the soundtrack to my life is someone I will see in heaven. Then I payed some bills. Then the darkness came. It hits you hardest when you’re alone. It coerced me dammit.

Currently listening :
The Soul & The Edge: The Best of Johnny Paycheck
By Johnny Paycheck
Release date: 30 April, 2002

 

 

 

 

Sobering Walk in the Cemetery

Thursday, November 22, 2007

After our Thanksgiving feast the family and I went for a walk. Right down the hill from mom and dad’s house is a cemetery that we sometimes like to walk through. It’s cold here in Craig; the November landscape brown and dreary. We came around a bend upon the graves of Stanley Victor Beckett and his wife Elizebeth Wood Beckett. These were two people about the age of my grandparents yet were some of mom & dad’s best friends. To me they were “old people” my entire life. They were both born in 1926 and Vic just died this year.

Here I stood above his grave trying to comprehend that he and “Betty” (as his wife went by)’s bodies were actually in the ground below me. These were two of the nicest and wisest people I have ever known.

If you go to my Thursday Bible study you have heard me talk about their 1964 Buick that looks to this day like it did when it drove off the lot in ’64.

Then we walked over to where al the veterans are buried and this was really sobering as Vic was a World War II veteran.For as long as I could remember, he was the one who read off the names of the soldiers buried there every year at the Memorial Day service. Dad said this year was the first time he didn’t do it since he started and shortly after that he died.

I can almost hear the WWII generation’s stories fading from us as more and more quickly they pass from us. Right then in my mind there was a flash like a black & white History channel documentary of the treacherousness of World War II. Vic was there, and all though I may never know what he did, you can be sure it was tougher, more honorable, more enduring than anything I have ever done. And he lost friends there. In the aftermath it was like he lived another lifetime. Raising kids and then Grandkids. If it was a movie you’d watch him and Betty end up in Craig and start attending First Baptist Church. Then becoming a mentor to my dad. You’d see him take my brother and I out in his tractor on his farm. He was the hardest working man I ever knew. Well into retirement he was helping my dad build our house. I remember those “old man hands” that were stronger than most 20 and 30 year olds guy’s. He never missed a moment to offer his time and strength to help others. He was always using his tractor to shovel people’s driveways in the crisp Craig cold. In fall he could be seen raking not only his leaves but whoever else needed it. And every year on Memorial Day he was there reading off the names of his fallen comrads to people who barely knew what those soldiers gave. No doubt this service would bring back to him painful memories of friends he may never see again. He was there at that last memorial service, though too sick and frail to read off the names this year.

Finally here he was, body resting in the soil he worked for over 80 years. Soul by Jesus’ side. God bless him. Thank you Lord for men and women like Vic and Betty. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Currently listening :
Band of Brothers
By Michael Kamen
Release date: 28 August, 2001

 

 

 

 

Mind Flux: Tragedy, Sun Behind the Clouds, Overly Nice People,Talent Scouts & Deep Peace

Monday, December 10, 2007

Today on my way to work I had several distinct discussions with myself in my head-I blame a full night’s sleep (no I’m not crazy, I just worded that weird) And I was happy. Then I heard the news about the shooting at a YWAM base in Arvada and another at new Life Church in Colorado Springs and it ruined my mood. I cannot believe someone could fire a gun at another human being-it is just beyond my understanding. I can only speculate, but I think I would even find it difficult to pull the trigger on someone fully deserving to die. (My Granddad speaks little of Vietnam and is still haunted by what he had to do there) How are people so messed up in the head that they just decide to start mowing people down? The Arvada shooter was denied a place to stay…maybe he hated Christians and this was proof to him….he had some kind of axe to grind. Still-I can’t imagine how shooting them solved anything?? What the hell? At New Life, I think they are doing awesome things for the Kingdom of God and so the Enemy has made them a target. Also I was sent a video this morning on animal cruelty. It was possibly the most horrific thing I have ever seen. I still feel sick thinking about it. What the %*@ is wrong with some people???

On the way to work I noticed today how there seemed to actually be sun behind the clouds. Isn’t it weird how most of the time on stormy/cloud covered days it’s hard to imagine the sun is still above them and shining just as bright as ever? It almost like we think the present circumstance has actually dimmed the sun itself. I’ll let draw your own conclusion as to an allegory here.

Also on the way to work I was thinking about how overly nice people actually end up causing problems in their relationships. If there is something  friend a is doing that absolutely drives friend b crazy and friend b is a nice guy and wants to do whatever possible to keep the peace, then friend b will, in a very subtle way let a know. But a then never takes the problem seriously or realizes how much it bothers b. If a is really observant though, he will think ‘B says this thing is only slightly annoying but really no big deal-but I know b, and he’s just being nice (I think)…in fact I bet b is really pissed off about it and not saying anything,”. This sort of speculation is more harmful I think, than if b just said “A, will you freakin’ knock it off?….freak a,” in the first place….maybe? This comes from a recent situation where I guess I have unknowingly put off the vibe that I din’t like or want a certain friend around. I think he may be sensing some annoyances that I have tried to cover up. Maybe if I was just frank with him about those things he wouldn’t imagine the little things to be hints at an overall dislike of him. …I think too much.

Also while driving to work I was thinking about how people react when you tell them they are really good at something and try to push them to pursue that thing. Of course their answer (unlesst hey are really full of themselves) will be “No no no, I’m not that good,”. At first you might be saying “Oh quit trying to be so humble,” But really, how do you expect them to react? I think all of us as friends should have the job Talent Scout among friends. We should identify our friend’s strengths and encourage them (Heb. 3:13). We should be ready to have to drag them along and push them because most people are 1.)Always unsure of themselves 2.)Humble 3)Possibly don’t realize their potential. Also, you might “know some people” or have hookups that could be just what they need to excel with their talent.

OK, I actually blame my increased coffee drinking for my spike in brain activity (I have been having multiple intense dreams the last few nights and when I wake up I’m feeling like I’m thinking 197 miles per hour) The last thing I was thinking about (that actually came from the sun behind the clouds) was things that make me happy. It’s often weird little things that give me deep peace or make me laugh. Here are some:

1.) Soft yellow light on wood (I, for the most part, hate flourescent lights)

2.) Reader boards ironicly spelled rong:

3. Fresh cut grass

4. Children’s books/stories

5. Making people laugh

6. Helping people in a huge way

7. Drawing

8. Building things

9. Snowboarding

10. Rest that comes after working hard

11. Trying new things (that’s really broad, so for example trying to cook things)

12. Connecting people to resources or friends

13. Reading fiction (even though I read a lot more non-fiction)

14. Making videos/movies

15. Losing myself in music

16. Exploring abandoned houses

17. Mysteries

18. Pursuing wisdom

19. Getting drawings from Rebecca Romelus and Chepto Ewat

20. Seeing people wear a shirt I designed or seeing a billboard with something I designed on it

21. Deep conversations + coffee

22. Traveling

23. Playing guitar or drums (and writing riffs that at least sound cool to me)

24. Showing little kids tricks that might annoy their parents

25. Thinking outside the box

26. Laughing so hard my stomach and face hurt in a public place where I have  to leave because it’s getting embarrassing (I did this reading Letters From a Nut at Barnes & Noble once)

27. People using idioms wrong or combing two different idioms (I don’t mean to rain on your bubble)

Currently listening :
I Want Happiness
By Hui Mei Chang
Release date: 09 May, 2006

 

 

 

Silent, Dark, Cold Snow

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I’ve had this sort of phobia of  being stuck out in a snowstorm far away from any town. I don’t know exactly what it is…something about these small podunk towns like Craig and their disassociation with the way of life in larger towns and cities, being far away, higher up and buried in snow. Maybe it was the times I have been caught in blizzards that has planted this fear in me. A lot of times I think about the people who have to work out in the cold everyday (like my dad) and feel a little guilty about being able to work in a cozy office with a window.

My dad has worked at the strip coal mine south of Craig since the late 70’s. Craig is one of the 4 coldest places in Colorado every year and he has worked a good percentage of his days in that cold welding on draglines. One of the perks of working at the mine is that you get something like 4 truckloads of coal to take home each winter-provided you haul it. My dad, probably one of the thriftiest people on earth, has a coal burning stove and is happy to take the mine up on the coal offer. So I have many memories of going out to the mine with my dad and my brother and loading our 1975 Chevy Cheyenne until rear struts more resembled a frown than a smile.

Today I was enjoying the coziness of mom & dad’s house when dad said he needed my help. It was 3:30 and the sun would be setting soon, so we needed to go get our load of coal now. We put on our “grubbies” and took off into the snowstorm in dad’s Ford Ranger. The snow-packed highway, running by farms streams and cattle turns into a service road near the mine 6 miles south of town.     For some reason, going to work out in the cold is like facing that phobia head on. The sky was the same white as the hills around us and you could tell the sun behind that thick cloud cover was tucking itself behind the horizon.

Once on mine property we drove a mile down a service road to the employee coal pile on the side of the road. I pulled the wool stocking cap over my ears and stepped out of the pick up in oversized boots I borrowed from dad. We both put grimey cover-alls on and he gave me a pair of grease and filth crusted gloves. A guy in a front-end loader was supposed to up turn the coal so we could get to it under the fresh foot of snow. He must have forgotten, so we used our boots and and hands to sweep off the coal. We began tossing the good chunks from tennis ball sized to football sized over toward the tailgate. Memories of how much we hated this as kids came to mind.

Trapsing throught the deep snow in oversized boots got my asthma going. It didn’t take much of the lifting and tossing to get the blood pumping, and I began to get hot. It’s reassuring to know that you can actually work up a sweat in such cold and snowy weather.

I thought about my warm office. I thought about how easy my everyday life is. I thought about how my brother was usually here with us. I watched dad dig out chunks of the coal and throw them at the pile; he had already did this once this winter and would do it once or twice again. I was on my knees picking up the chunks we had thrown near the truck and tossing them into camper shell covered truck bed when I strted to feel the coldness seep through the over-alls and through my pants. I looked at a piece of coal in my hand. There was something very real about this. You don’t order loads of coal on the internet and have it show up on your door step. There isn’t a machine (at least not for personal use) that will dig out the good chunks from under the snow and run it on a conveyer belt to the truck bed. We used our hands to take pieces that were basket ball sized and smash them against kegger sized pieces. Some of the coal was very hard and took several forceful tosses to break.

When we seemed to get most of the good pieces from one pile, dad drove the truck to the end of the piles and started to back up toward the otherside of our pile. The little Ford Ranger bogged down in 2 feet of snow. The tires spun to no avail, only fishtailing the truck. For a moment I really thought he was stuck out of luck. He maneuvered until the front end lodged itself over a huge peice of coal. For a moment we thought he cracked the radiator. He got out of the cab cursing up a storm. Once he managed to get the truck out of that mess, we found a different way to the back of our pile.

We continued to bend over, pick up pieces, toss them toward the truck until my back ached. Once we made a little pile, I began tossing them into the truck bed. Dad kept tossing pieces on the pile not worried about hitting me.

When we were done we drove through the falling snow, now in the dark with a heavy load in the back. I faced the lonely dark cold. We got what we wanted, fuel to heat our house. Today I conquered my phobia…but just today.

Currently listening :
State of Grace II: Turning to Peace
By Paul Schwartz
Release date: 07 October, 2003

 

 

 

2007

Monday, December 31, 2007

My 28th Birthday- was special because of a watercolor

I snowboarded every weekend.

I designed my church’s logo

Me, Chad, Lawrence & Mike got our faces on ESPN at X Games 11 after seeing Shaun White take 2nd place in the half pipe. That night we slept in Glenwood’s Wal Mart parking lot in Lawrence’s car.

I began “Kaleo Thursdays”, a young adult Bible study and made some really cool friends.

My “band” Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle put out our 2nd CD “The Most Awesomest Band”. I designed the CD’s case and liner notes. Later I wrote, played drums and sang on a song called The Legend of Septi Wilber for our next CD.

I left the country for a week and helped build a house for a couple and their baby who had been living with 9 other people in a small shack without a floor or plumbing. I made a friend in Ensenada, Cesar, who came and worked all summer in Grand Junction.

I bought a .45

We got a trampoline to enhance our BBQs/parties.

I saw the Pineapple Crackers the night they recorded for their live CD and DVD.

I went to my first Seder dinner and remet a girl that I later went on a date with.

For Daniel’s birthday, some of us guys went mountain biking/rock climbing and camping in Moab.

I shaved my head bald, but later shaved it into a mohawk when SteveO & I went to see MxPx with Project 86, The Classic Crime, Sullivan and The Fold. Afterward we met Mike & Tom from MXPX.

Nate and I started a “Bike Gang” where we invited anyone and everyone to come on a “non athletic” bike ride around town every Friday night of the summer. We had up to 30 people ride one night and got covered by KJCT8, The Free Press (front page), a daily Sentenel Blog and talked about on KAFM (because John had a cycling show on Wednesdays)

I continued going to Nate’s Bible study on Monday nights and almost every week I rode my bike there (I didn’t have any resolutions last year, but if I did, one would be to get more exercise!!) We finally finished John and got about 8 chapters into Romans!

Played lots of paintball (but not as much as last year)

Took a weekend trip to Lake Powell where we tried out TJ Robert’s “new” boat which broke down. Jumped off some sweet cliffs and ended the days throwing fireworks at each other-including depth charges in the water.

Attended Leadership summit & heard from Colin Powell & Jimmy Carter.

Attended one of the most memorable weddings (I won’t mention names, but I will say SteveO’s knife played a part in the ceremony)

Asked a girl out after seeing Borne Ultimatum a second time (just for the opportunity)  but got the feeling her “yes” was more like a “I don’t really know how to say no” and cancelled the date.

Wrote a song for a girl but things went south before she ever got to hear it.

Flew to Nashville for a Communications conference & saw the Grande Ole Opry (which isn’t all that impressive)

Finally got my motorcycle license (now I just need a bike)

Got in a physical fight with my roommate and later that night got rejected by a girl.

I was a pirate for Halloween and had to try to coerce my white trash buddy from walking 5 miles to his house after the party-instead he spent most of the night in the filed……

Two friends ended up in the ER. I saw Benson in the Hospital after his wreck and and luckily Erika’s seizure was only a one-time thing.

Lawrence moved out and Daniel moved in.

Nate and I participated in “No Shave November” and we liked our beards so much we kept them.

I stayed up all night one night to help Erika with a Club 56 lock-in. Man those 10 & 11 year old NEVER get tired!

Had coffee with a fellow graphic designer (or I will call her a designstress)

Lawrence and I put together our 3rd Wine party (Or I guess 2nd annual Christmas Wine Party) and had a good showing.

Lucee put on a Hideous Sweater Party where we had a blast singing karaoke. Ryan Justen won with his pink shoulder padded midriff sweater-yech!

I guess the low note for me was my step grandpa passing on, but over all the year was pretty good with as of yet coffee…errr… tea with a doctor (or as I call the female version…a doctress)

See you in 2008!

Currently listening :
Regreso Al Futuro
By Jomar
Release date: 11 November, 1997

 

 

 

 

2008

 

A Gasp From a Glimpse

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

It all works out, it all comes together-Creation Science has put together a theory of our origins and fits with the Bible. The coolest thing is that you don’t have to omit or change any part of the Bible to make it fit. So after seeing the evidence you’re left with this Bible in your hand and having to wonder “Do I really believe all of this?” Because if you do, then life has meaning, and “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” (Rom. 8:18) We are part of an incredible story. So why isn’t that more exciting? It seems like realizing that should blow the doors off of any mindset, any hope or dream that we have on earth right now.

Well the answer is right there: “For the creation was subjected to frustration,…” every since the curse in the Garden of Eden “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.” (Isn’t it kind of nice to know there IS a problem, that your sufferings DO have a cause and you’re not imagining them?) Creation started to break down, entropy took over, everything began to wind down. Satan was given reign over the earth. I believe our present state in the world is a pale, broken, sad remnant (due to sin) of a once beautiful and perfect creation of God. I believe there is a fog in front of our eyes or a veil and it is so hard to see or even try to imagine the reality that is beyond our present.

But it is there.

More real than our flesh and blood.

Once in a while you get a glimpse. Sometimes there are remnants of the mighty Creation still persevering. It sounds so cliche, but that magnificent brightness in the center of radiant sunset with oranges and yellows that painters and photographers try to mimic is a hint. Yet that’s like the power of AAA battery next to the decimating electricity from a powerline. Or have you been high in the mountains and felt the sheer size or contemplated the magnitude of thunder that shakes the grounds? I could go on and on, but I think these are little shadows of what once was and what will return.

Sometimes I let that sink in. God’s mightly creation. His sounds, His sights, His deepness, His radiance and it literally takes my breath away-I gasp for air. Something charges in my brain and I can’t even begin to contain the explosion of the revelation of even one aspect of His creation, little lone Him.

Currently listening :
Explosive: The Best of Bond
By Bond
Release date: 28 June, 2005

 

 

 

Out of the Wild

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

This poor girl didn’t meet the same submissive, appreciative and kind Lorn that so many others had. She found him mangy, hobbling through a neighborhood street with a limp in one paw and tried to feed him. His obvious wolf trait didn’t scare her away, in fact she kept beaming her sweet smile at him week after long week. She was confused about his lack of trust after so many weeks of giving him food but she used her body language to disarm him.

Some days later still, she knelt down on one knee and beckoned him like so many time before and finally this time he ate the food from her hand. Seeing him up close she began to see why his fur was so matted. His fur had the wet appearance of having just thawed from ice. In fact she noticed icey stalactites hanging from his chest and stomach fur.

She ran her hands slowly through his fur pausing where the ice was most dense. Slowly the ice began to melt…

Currently listening :
ERIC PRYDZ (2005)
Monday, March 31, 2008

 

 

 

Valentine’s Day Tragedy

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Current mood: shocked

Category: Life

Hey friends. Thank you SO much-all of you who called, texted, drove, prayed, etc. I wish I could speak to each of you personally, but since I can’t, please read:

I’m having a hard time remembering who I’ve told what and so heres a blog you can read and get the latest info. I’ve broken it up into headings, so if you’re not interested in the whole story you can skip down.

My First Valentine’s Day

I don’t want want to go into why I’m 29 and this was the first Valentine’s Day of my life when I have had a “significant other”, I just mention that so you will know that the night had a lot of meaning for me. I have been dating Albina Gadeliya for just over a month now and had a plan for Valentine’s Day- I was going to take her to River’s, a fancy restaurant in Glenwood Springs.

I had a very short time after work to rush home and get dressed and pick up the gifts I had for her. Outside the snow trickled down sparsely as Adagio for Strings (In 2004, Barber’s masterpiece was voted the “saddest classical” work ever by listeners of the BBC’s Today programme) played on the classical radio station (the was sort of the eerie soundtrack of the night for me-click play at the bottom of this blog). I got to her condo at about 6:30 and gave her the card I made her with a dozen roses and teddy bear wearing earrings (That would give us 2 hours to get to Rivers where I had an 8:30 reservation) She was rushing to get ready as well and gave me the card she made with a teddy bear and chocolates. She reached into her laundry closet to get something and leaned up against the water heater giving her a pretty bad burn on her right shoulder (2nd degree burn). She grabbed a bag of ice and we rushed out the door.

As we left town in my 95 Honda Passport, I didn’t tell her where we were going. We got on I 70 and she watched the exits for Horizon Drive, Clifton and Palisade pass and her curiousity rose. I noticed the thick clouds hanging among the Bookcliffs creating a surrealistic atmosphere and defining some of the closer spires like some gigantic otherworldy castle.We listened to Yo Yo Ma and then Miles Davis as we winded through DeBeque Canyon.

Something’s Not Right

She mentioned her ice was melting as we neared Rifle. We came upon a slow moving minivan covered in mud I and got into the left lane to pass it. I saw the van start veer into my lane several times and I just wanted to get by it. We passed it & had just passed the first Rifle exit when Albina said she really needed to do something about her ice. She asked if I could just pull over and she could scoop some snow into her bag.

The Accident

I pulled over on the shoulder and remember vividly thinking that I should pull over as far as possible since we were on the interstate. She unbuckled, turned around in her seat and put on her jacket and BAM! We were rear-ended by a vehicle moving between 65 and 75 miles per hour.

I think I saw Albina collapse into the floor board facing the seat. She passed out onto the seat amid chunks of broken bloody glass. My blood went cold and she breathed heavily-a kind of snore that meant her airway way in someway constricted. Thoughts ran through my head about what to do and not to in an accident/when people lose consciousness/ etc. I froze-I didn’t know what to do. I reached into my pocket, grabbed my cell phone and dialed 911. I don’t know why, but I set the phone down on the back seat-I think it was because I was more concerned with her.

I whispered to her, not knowing if I supposed to wake her up or not. After what seemed like eons, she woke up and that’s when I noticed her arm bent in the wrong place. She looked bewildered and looked at me for answers crying. She looked down at her arm as if to wonder why it wouldn’t moved and then back at me. A million thoughts went through my head-should I push her up off that arm? Should I just talk to her? What can I do? I reached over gently stroked her hair and told her everything would be OK.

I saw people start to surround my vehicle and that’s when I realized I had 911 on the line. I picked the phone up and tried to talk to them but firemen started to force open the doors. They were asking her questions, asking me questions ad one guy I think was an off duty fireman who was the first to my car and I think that’s when 911 realized their people were there and I said bye. (Sometime about then I pulled my keys out of the ignition…I don’t know why…I think I thought if the engine was running still that might be dangerous)

They had a hard time trying to get my door open so they opened the back door. When I looked back, I think that is when I fully realized the back seat was at a 45 degree angle. They finally got my door open and saw the gash in the back of my head. It was the only pain I felt. One of the firemen put a rag on my head and helped me out of my Honda.

I saw the van that hit us about 40 yards in front of us and facing us. The front just a mess of crushed metal. As they walked me to the ambulance I saw the other guy being laid on a stretcher and heard Albina’s screams from my car. I saw my Honda in the ditch, headlights still on.

A fireman put a bandage around my head and I sat on the bench in the back of the ambulance praying that God would ease her pain. The back doors were wide open lettting in the cold air with her screams and allowing me to see the traffic diverted around us. It seemed like I waited there for a week before they finally came in and put a neck brace on me and had me sit in the upright seat. I was hoping for them to put Albina in my ambulance, but instead they wheeled int the guy that hit me.

Quite frankly I was pissed off at the guy and didn’t want him near me. They had to cut his clothes off and he protested them cutting his coat up which pissed off the firemen. They scolded him and they asked him questions. I think I heard one of them say that he was not drinking and was not on any drugs.

Immediate Aftermath

They wheeled the guy out and that was the last I saw of him. They decided to but me on a stretcher and stabilize my neck to get me out. They wheeled Albina and I into adjacent rooms and I heard her still screaming. They cut my pants, shirt and tie off. They checked me out but then it seems like I laid there in that bed in that stiff neck brace staring at the ceiling for hours. I could see a clock and watched the hours go by. I wondered what they were doing to her and if there was anything wrong beside her arm.

It’s hard to remember when all this happened, but they got info from me and called my mom & dad & Canyon Vineyard Church (Where I work). Periodically a Police officer came in and told me some stuff.

At one point they rolled me on my side and I got nauseous and just about threw up-but it passed quickly. I heard them take Albina in for a CAT Scan and when they were done they ran one on me. Right before they took Albina out, they wheeled her next to me and let her say bye.

They wheeled me back into my room and after a while they came in stiched up my wound and put in 10 staples (I didn’t feel it at all). Finally I was done and by that time Nate & Maegan came to pick me up.

The Drive Home

On the way home my mind kept playing through everything. Periodically I would have flashes of memories that seemed so real but just when I tried to concentrate on them they would vanish & make way for another one. At one point they flash through my head in such a fast dream like manner that I got nauseous and almost had to have Nate pull over. The drive seemed to take forever, especially with these weird thoughts rolling through my head. It made everything seem almost dreamlike. I remember we looked up to the clouds rolling off the foothills of Mt. Garfield and they seem to take on a sinister-otherworldly look.

Finally we arrived at my house where SteveO & Daniel were waiting. I changed my clothes quickly (and found glass in my underwear!) and then then took me to St. Mary’s.

At St. Mary’s

As we came in, Wes, Rebecca, Jared & Katie were there to greet us. (I think sometime around there was when I felt something in my mouth and realized it was a piece of glass) I was able to go immediately to where Albina was. I held her hand as they put 6 staples in the back right side of her head. After that, Anna Mazon came in and wheeled her to her room.

In her room, Wes, Rebecca,Jared, Katie, Nate, Maegan, Daniel & SteveO showed up and we all joined hands and prayed for her. After that everyone filed out of her room and I knelt down to say good night to her.

Just as I began to speak, the power of the entire city went out. The lights clicked off and all the hallway doors shut themselves. I was slightly scared at what this could do, not only to ALbina, but all the patients. Then I remembered they ALWAYS have back up generators at hospitals. About 4 or 5 minutes later the power came back on. I said good night to Albina.

Home

SteveO & Daniel gave me a ride home. There was a strange fog thick around town as we went home at about 2:30am. I was dead tired but could not sleep until around 4 or 5am.

The Next Day

Albina’s arm was badly fractured around her elbow. They began surgery sometime around 2 and she wasn’t out until after 6. I was finally able to see her then. Beside periodic bursts of pain between morphine doses she seemed a thousand times better. Finally her eyes were open and she was talking to all of us. (Her mom drove up from Colorado Springs and her twin sister Agnessa drove from Salt Lake)

Saturday

Saturday Wes drove me to the hospital around 1 and I just spent the rest of the day with Albina in her room. That night after I left (around 2am) her block from surgery wore off. This was the most excruciating pain she had felt yet.

Sunday

When I woke up I picked the last piece of glass out of my hair.

She felt much better today but due to the drugs and her anemia she has been drowsy almost to the point of falling asleep all day.

Monday

Wes drove me to Rifle where I we finally saw the wreckage and I got all of my stuff out of it.

________

Photobucket

See the rest of the pictures in my photos:

What’s Left of My Honda

Tuesday & Wednesday

Albina is very drowsy, nauseous and get’s dizzy very easily from all the meds and her anemia.

Thursday

Finally! She’s out of the hospital! She is still feeling drowsy and has intermittent pain but she’s actually got a little appetite. She had her staples removed earlier and at lunch today she took my staples out!

I got a fax of the accident report today and apparently the guy that hit us had fallen asleep at the wheel.

Thank You

I have had a flood of calls, texts and emails from friends and family. Maegan & Lucee offered to make me dinners. Pastor Wade has hooked me up with a car I can borrow until I get a new one. Wes & Rebecca have been there at every moment. Jared & Katie were there at the hospital despite barely even knowing Albina. I really feel bad that haven’t been able to get back to everyone who dropped by or left a message. Also, my initial text message failed to get to half of my phone book-so please don’t feel less important to me if you didn’t get the text. Albina has really enjoyed all the flowers-she has 12 bouquets last I counted.

Most of all, of course, I want to thank the Lord. We were parked and hit by a vehicle going Interstate speed and we are alive to tell the story. Thank you God.

Currently listening :
Barber: Adagio for Strings, Op. 11/Orchestral Music; Leonard Slatkin
By Samuel Barber
Release date: 25 October, 1990

 

 

Girl by the Black Sea

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

There is a road we all walk, but we start out crawling.

Our first days laden with innocense, we don’t don’t realize the trouble we will see.

Today I catch a faint aroma carried on the dying winter’s breeze.

The memory of a time when I trusted, I loved, I enjoyed freely.

Before heartache, pain and dissappointment began to take seige.

Last night I looked into your eyes and I saw you, I saw your essence.

I saw the little girl so full of hope that ran along the shore of the Black Sea.

How could this be? Me holding your gaze.

Today I’m drawing from my warming heart a string, and I’m tying it to the girl by the Black Sea.

Tomorrow I will tie another one around the blue shimmering sea that you made when your eyes, full of wonder, plunged deep into my soul.

Currently listening :
Paint the Sky with Stars: The Best of Enya
By Enya
Release date: 11 November, 1997

 

 

 

I Love You in Your Weakness

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Monday, March 31, 2008

I’ve always had a hard time understanding arrogant and overly confident people. I realize a certain amount of self-confidence is a good thing. But I don’t understand people who have the gall to think they know everything.

Humility is one of those things that, as soon as you think you have it-you don’t. And so I do not claim to be in the right place concerning humbleness-but I do want to strive to be humble, always giving people the benefit of the doubt

(Philippians 2:3 – Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.)

There is something that just rubs me the wrong way when someone is arrogant (Proverbs 6:16-17 16 There are six things the Lord hates,  seven that are detestable to him:17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood,)

It is a breath of fresh air when someone admits their faults. If you admit to me you don’t know something instead of trying to sound smart-I identify with you. If I get a glimpse of your struggles in life and where you’re not quite cutting it (and not in a self-loathing, poor me sort of way- but in sincerety and realness) then there is an internal sigh in my soul that says “Thank God, I’m not the only one who doesn’t have it all together”.

When I see someone trudging on with her crutch, someone who has tried everything he can but just can’t fit in ( “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matt 5:3), someone who has to cope with some abnormal physical problem that no one else understands, someone who’s lonely, people born with a disadvantage, someone crying and trying to hide it,  someone struggling with their looks, people just having a bad day, a guy or girl getting rejected by the opposite sex,  someone being insulted, people being embarrassed, generally anyone have something uncalled for happing to them and facing these situations not with a victim mentality, but with a positive attitude- my heart goes out to them.

This is why I think Jesus is such a powerful leader. (So he said to me, “This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.Zech 4:6) He came to earth, not as a powerful conquering king like the jews thought, but as a man of sorrow

(Isaiah 53:3 – He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.)

This is the king I can understand, because He understands me. He knows loneliness, rejection and pain.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

~2 Corinthians 12:9

Currently listening :
Mortal
By Mortal
Release date: 16 July, 1996

 

 

 

God Waits to Drop Revelation

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I hear a lot of athiests say “If there really is this loving God that you Christians say wants to have a personal relationship with us, then why won’t He just make Himself visible? Just come down and speak with us and say ‘Here I am’?” And many times the Christian says, He has, here is His word, the Bible. But if we as Christians are completely honest, we have to admit that we too wonder ‘Why doesn’t Jesus walk among us today? Why are we left with this often confusing book as our only direction? Or this ‘Holy Spirit’ that speaks so quiet I cannot hear Him above my own thoughts?’

I think it’s because of God’s Holy nature. He will not be made common.

Ho”ly.., a. – Set apart to the service or worship of God; hallowed; sacred; reserved from profane or common use; holy vessels; a holy priesthood.

It seems like most of us mainstream Christians have lost that high regard or fear of the Lord. I think it is largely due to our decaying society. We do not respect our elders, or authorities, teachers, parents, pastors, presidents or kings the way we once did. It would be easier to understand bowing before the Lord if it were normal to bow before our kings here on earth. As it is now we must try and understand that respect without current examples.

If God had zero tolerence for sin in His presence, and therefore had to have redemption through something so extraordinary as the horrible death of His own son, then we can begin to see the weight of purity in His eyes.

In a world where the name “Jesus” has become a common name and worse, a cuss word, God will wait. He will wait until our hearts are humble, respectful and in awe before He lets in some revelation of Himself. And when He does, be ready to have your universe rocked. For even the sight of his face made Moses’ head glow like a light bulb long after he decended Mt. Sinai.

At times when I have stood in awe of Him, it was like oil was poured into the machine of my soul, my device was plugged in, my engine was supplied with fuel. I see how we, His creation, were meant to beam back worship after He drops revelation on us.

Currently listening :
It’s The Searchers
By The Searchers
Release date: 2001-03-23

 

 

Designed to Discover the Devine

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Hi, I’m Josh Anderson, a Graphic  Designer and I’ve  never designed anything.

One time I was drawing an alien (which Ido a lot) I love the challenge of trying to come up with a strange character that no one has ever seen or contemplated before.     This girl looked at my drawing and said “Did you know that humans cannot create something that God hasn’t already made? Anything we ‘make up’ is only a combination or reorganization of things already created.’

My first reaction was ‘No way, my creature is way different than anything we know’. She then pointed out that he has   legs, a head, eyes, etc. I finally had to say, ‘You’re right’.

This thought has interesting implications when applied to imagination. One will say ‘He or she is very creative’, meaning we think they have a talent for coming up with new ideas. But what does it really mean to be creative if we cannot really craeate?

I think in light of this thought, we have to think of imagination and creativity more like exploring realms of existance already created by God. So then a creative person is more like someone who is open to exploring new/unusual/different thoughts or ideas.

It’s facinating to me to find new and different or even strange expressions in art, music, philosophy because I think of it as discovering  unexplored frontiers of God’s creation.

This by no means places less significance on the types of people we don’t generally consider to be “creative”. I believe each one of us was created to explore creation in different ways based on our talents and interests. More logically minded people who have strengths in mathematics and sciences have discovered truths about our existance that “creative” or “artistic” types have a difficult time understanding.

It is awesome how collective humanity seems to have been designed to discover God in our vast array of experience, interests and talents, and then glorify Him by bringing these discoveries to light.

Currently listening :
MMII
By John Digweed
Release date: 2002-06-04

 

 

Her Waxing Essence

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Something in the corners of your smile radiates sunlight.

I’m still trying to find the words to describe it right.

A giggle from the youth trapped in your body now in sight

I can’t put my finger on it, try as I might

Your lips glisten even in night

Your gentle kiss dangling soft hair so slight

Urges to awaken love too soon I must fight

As dreams and hopes take flight

Currently listening :
Legends of the Goddess
By Laura Powers
Release date: 1998-05-19

 

 

Reveal Yourself

(Reblogged here at WordPress)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

In the debate over whether the universe was created or made itself through naturalistic processes, the oponants are constantly looking for evidence to support their argument.

On the side of the naturalist or athiest, the thought goes, that if the universe sprang up from combinations of the right gases being struck by lightning (never mind where the gas and energy came from), it would follow that those amino acids would over time begin to evolve into more complex states (never mind entropy). It seems crazy, but the fact that it is here proves it.

The fact that the athiest or naturalist cannot attribute it all to devine creation, isn’t completely crazy or stupid. They demand proof of God which I have found myself wanting as well. Then I look all around me-everything is evidence.

The hard thing about just believing its God is because we are so immersed in it. It’s like standing with your nose up against a Rembradt and trying to understand your seeing a painting. The painting is right there in front of you displaying all of it’s truth to your naked eye. The truth is so big and so….there….so all encompassing that we can’t even see it.

Many people arguing the side of Intelligent Design have used the phrase “The Designer’s finger prints are on everything,”. Think about that for a moment, what does that really mean? There’s the obvious, like if you see a watch with all its gears and sprockets, you have no problem attributing that to Timex, or whomever constructed it-and thus, you see a Robin pecking in the grass, attribute its construction to God. But another way to view the fingerprint is try and see the gestalt of all of Creation. It is then very nearly like a sudden realization of a spectre standing in the room with you (only not as creepy) You can almost see the flow of power coming from God and sustaining all life on earth. Suddenly we havejust about  caught up to the tip of the pen that our Lord is writing this story with.

I keep saying “very nearly”, “almost” and “just about” though. This brings back a vision I think the Lord painted for me when I was a freshman in college. I was taking Biology 101, being inundated  with Darwinian Evolution each class period to the point where I really questioned my stance as a Creationist. (I think I have written about this period of my life before) The evidences where not what convinced me as there seemed to be really none…in fact instances such as the horshoe crab that “has remained suprisingly unchanged over millions of years” was actually evidence of the contrary. What really hammered me was  thinking “What if my Christianity really ws just a ‘feel good myth’?” -“Why has God never sat down face to face with me and told me He is real and He loves me?” And the vision God gave me was me searching through a dark cave. Every once in a while I would see  a footprint of His and even times I would get close enough to see His glow around the next bend. What God explained to me was that I will never catch up to Him in that cave. I will not in this life see Him face to face. For to see Him, touch His nail peirced hand, would for me, take away my choice to believe in Him.

In nature, we see His “glow around the corner” or finger print. But we won’t (except in very special circumstances like the Transfiguration, or Mt. Sinai) ever see Him face to face. It’s crazy though, when you really look at Cration how so very close He came to letting us see Him.

Currently listening :
Mortal
By Mortal
Release date: 1996-07-16

 

 

A SOLUTE TO THE TROOPS

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Current mood: thankful

Category: Life

I looked at the cliffs around me over the barrel of my gun. I tried to dig my feet into the rough dirt of the hillside as gravity tried to pull me down into the underbrush of the ravine. Sweat around my goggles threatening fog and dusk together crippled my vision. Out of 6 of us guarding the president, the assassins had killed all but me. Now, with the president just 3 feet below me, it was up to me to get him to the rendezvous. The problem though was that I was pinned. An assassin on either side of the ravine had the high ground on me,they knew exactly where I was and knew I had no back up. I was determined to get out of this. The guy on the west bank began firing at me. I was lucky, his shots couldn’t get at me through the thick brush and the president was behind some thick tree trunks. I felt shrapnel shower my bare arms, however, and knew I had to take the assassin out. I stood quickly exposing my head and fired off about 5 shots. I came within about 6 inches from hitting him before he could duck below the ridge. I ducked back into the bush and waited a moment.

“We gotta move,” said the President.

“I know, but we have to get to the east ridge and there is no cover there,” I told him.

I saw the assassin poke his head up and knew this was my opportunity. I stood up and fired about 2 shots when I suddenly heard the pop, pop, pop of another gun behind me. Crap, there’s one on the east bank too, I thought. The only way out of this situation was for me to take both assassins out and get the president out of this hole. I opened fire at the tiny speck I saw that was the east bank guy’s head and gun over the ridge. Just as I thought I was about to hit him I heard the president scream out in pain “I’m hit! He got me! Right in the crotch!” All hope dropped. That was it, mission failed.

Guess where that story is from. I’ll give you some choices: a.) WWII true story b.) Vietnam true story c.) fictional book about war d.) movie about war e.) story as told to me by friend/relative in the military f.) a story I just wrote out my imagination g.) something that really happened to me

The answer is g.) and sorry to let you down, because if you know me, you know I am and never was in the military. No, this scenario happned last night in a game of paintball. If you’re like me though, this story is exciting. I think it plays to something built in to most guys…some inner sense of duty to fight, to protect and also to get dirty. It brings to mind war stories, mainly from movies. But when I got home last night, I just happened to be in the middle of reading a story about a Navy Doctor namd Jadick from a 2006 Newsweek article. This guy was a freakin’ hero. Some of the situations he saw were described in graphic detail. Now when I think of paintball I feel like such a wuss. We are never in any real danger out there. The “bullets”, nothing more than a thin shell of plastic filled with a greasy liquid,  whizzing over head can never give us much more than a nasty welt. But in Iraq, guys are getting hit by slugs of lead splitting their skulls. Real shrapnel tearing their arms, legs, abdomens, and faces apart. If you can imagine the worst thing happening to a human body, it has happened and not in some ancient war, but now. These guys are true heros. Volunteering to put themselves between us and IEDS, and insurgent attacks. Many of them coming out permanantly disfigured, I owe my freedom to these guys.

To my friends and family who have had the BALLS to serve, I solute you:

Granddad Master Srgnt. Roland Anderson, Grandpa Joe Hoyt Stevens (RIP), my friends: Vic Beckett (RIP), Amos Murray, Chad Roberts, Ben Pritchett, Brian Bosden, any one I forgot (some of you I don’t know quite as well, Crystal, Kevin, Stephanie and some of you I think you did some service but I’m not entirley sure what you did -Casey, Fiaui) Thank you guys for my freedom.

Currently listening :
Black Holes and Revelations
By Muse
Release date: 2006-07-11

 

 

How I Broke My Neck

Monday, October 27, 2008

(reposted here at WordPress)

Josh the Mountain Goat Monkey

If you have hung out with me at all in the outdoors, you know I can’t help but to climb anything that is climbable. I look at trees & rocks as playground equipment built by God. Every time I glance at granite cliffs, a building with interesting architecture, or a grove of old growth trees, my mind automatically projects a rout to the top and some sort instinct inside tells me weather it is possible. The instinct is probably right like 90% of the time and is probably based on a lifetime as a Colorado kid, or maybe from “monkeying around” on the jungle gym dad built in the  backyard, or maybe being the son of an avid mountain climber (he climbed all 54 of Colorado’s 14,000 peaks in the span of 10 years)

Anyway, I had often looked at the giant cottonwood tree on Old Man Gallop’s property, close enough to the fence between us to share a little pouring of its leaves and most of its shade with us. Old Man Gallup has several acres of property south of mine & my roommate’s house and as far as I can tell the whole place is fenced in by a 6ft. high barbed wire fence. Occasionally he takes his horse for a trot out there before retreating back to the more wooded half of his property that is cluttered with old cars. His house probably several hundred yards from the edge of where our suburban neighborhood meets his property.

I always wished that tree was ours a we have no trees in our yard. We would do so much with it: put a tree swing on it, build a tree house in it, jump out of it on to or trampoline, or just climb it.

Climbing Old Man Gallup’s Tree

So, Sunday (the 19th) I came home from lunch at Dos Hombres to an empty house. StevO called me up to go shooting, and now I wish more than anything I had went ahead to the store to buy ammo. Instead a quiet afternoon reading a book seemed more inviting. I dragged a lawn chair into the backyard grass, sat down and opened “A Wind in the Door”. The October afternoon was so perfect I had to look up and observe after every paragraph. Once again I looked at Old Man Gallup’s tree, my eyes mapping out the many branches as I thought ‘Why haven’t I ever climbed that tree before?’

I had my plan, I would get my camera, take a few pictures from up high and come down and get back to my book. When I got to the fence I remembered what had stopped me before. To get in the tree, I would need to be on Old Man Gallup’s property and the worst part…there are no limbs lower than about 15 feet.

I climbed on top of the fence post and studied the only reachable branch. It curved from the tree drooping behind me almost to the ground. The only way I was going to climb this tree was to get myself on top of that branch. I thought about what I’d need to do .I’ve done it many times in other trees before. I jumped up and grabbed the branch. I swung my legs up around it. The a limb sticking up almost vertical about 4 inches thick. Next I would need to use that limb to wrench myself around to the top of the branch. I grabbed ahold with my right hand and tugged, it felt secure. With my left hand I reached up to 3 inch branch that split off from it. I think a small thought in my head said if this one breaks, my right will hold me.

I grabbed the smaller branch with my left hand which transferred most of my body weight to the 4 inch branch. With a suddenness that seemed to preceed even grasping the branch there was a loud snap! I had the split second feeling of having the world yanked out from under me like a table cloth.

The Scariest Moment of My Life

From what the doctor says I landed on my head first which snapped back fracturing a joint in my lower neck. I lay in a pile of dead branches. I tried to move but it felt like a 200lb. person was sitting on my chest. I tried to move my hands but they wouldn’t budge. I felt pain everywhere and I panicked. “Help!” I cried. I rolled myself around in the sticks yelling “Help! Somebody help!” but I knew I was too far away for anyone to hear. I had to get up. Breathing as if that 200lb person was still on my chest, I struggled against the pulsating pain to my tingling feet. I looked myself over trying to figure out what was wrong. I saw blood but didn’t know where it was from. My right arm looked weird, was it broken? I realized I was hunched over and bent to the right. “Oh $%&), HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!” I whined.

The closest people I knew of were one house passed an empty lot to the west of our house. I yelled in that direction to no avail. I realized I had my cell phone in my left pocket. I reached down and pawed the phone with my limp fingers. There was no way I was getting it out. To find help would I would have to get outside of this barbed wire fence! In the back of my head I knew there where no gates near and looking around confirmed it. Then a terrible thought came to me, I was going to have to hurl my limp body, already blasting with pain, onto the barbed wire and flip over the fence! No way I thought, there’s got to be a way out.

I wobbled on my numb tingly legs east to he fence by our front yard. Thank God, there some kids riding bikes in dead end of our street.

“Hey kid! Can you call an ambulance? I fell out of that tree over there and hurt myself pretty bad,” I said through painful gasps. Soon the kid had informed our next door neighbors Kenny and Vicki. I was able to explain to Kenny what happened through labored breathes and sweating profusely. My entire body screamed in pain and I tried to change my position to ease the pain. Kenny was able to reach through the fence get my cell phone out of my pocket. I leaned my head on my forearm on the fence which slightly relieved pain. Then I tried laying in the weeds, that helped a little bit.

I heard Vicky say “Oh Josh,” and start praying for me. I grunted every breath and it seemed like half an hour before the ambulance got there. Finally I heard the sirens and out of my peripheral could see a fire truck pull up. Firemen  cut a hole in the fence and strapped me to a board as an ambulance backed up to the fence. The cut my shirt off and told me not move as they strapped a neck brace on. Ivs  were jammed in to my arm, questions were asked, the ride seemed to take an hour before I saw through the ambulance sunroof a crane overhead indicating we had arrived at St. Mary’s.

St. Mary’s, Prognosis and Rehab

They ran me through claustrophobia tube…I mean MRI and found I have a fracture in my C5 vertebrae. The fracture itself is not displaced and will heal fine. However, the pain in my back, arms and hands is coming from swelling in the spine inside an already irregularly  narrow spinal canal (apparently some people are born with this).  They also found some degenerated/bulging discs that were from something previous, hmmm what could that be from? Flipping over the handlebars of  a motorcycle? Tumbling down the ditch at 30mph in the Ridges after falling of my longboard? T-boning an SUV at 45mph on Broadway? Catching an edge snowboarding and tumbling down the hard packed snow? Or perhaps getting rear-ended by a guy doing 65mph when I was at a standstill? Anyway, Dr. Clifford thought I may need surgery to relieve the swelling and so I wasn’t aloud to eat until the next day. I got a catheter, oxygen, IV, a Steroid and foot circulators hooked up to me  and went to sleep staring at the ceiling. Wes stayed with me that first night.

The next day Dr. Clifford explained to me that surgery was optional. They could do a procedure to widen my spinal canal or they could remove the degenerated discs and fuse those three vertebrae together. Really surgery would be a preventative measure in case I got in an accident like this again. I chose not to have surgery.

Those first few days my hands were by far the most painful part of my body. They constantly felt like they were burning. That has gone down a lot and though I still can’t extend my fingers, the only constant pain is my right thumb (tingly and numbish), my left ring finger (sharp pain) and dull pain in neck/back. The worst thing I’m experiencing though is that sometimes when I move just right I think its pinching a nerve. This is by far the most painful thing I have ever felt. When it happens I can never really figure out what position caused it and so I spend a terrifying minute trying to move out of the position. It feels like I’m having a heart attack or being electrocuted starting at my spine and running through my shoulder straight to my thumb. It’s like some one taking plyers and crushing the raw nerve or pouring liquid metal down my arm.

So after spending several nights being woken up for vitals and fed Percoset or Vicaden and Flexerol and Lyrica every few hours, it was on to rehab floor where I am now. This floor is mainly for recovering senior citizens and so for the last few days I’ve felt like I’m trapped in an old folk’s home.

I want to thank all the doctors, nurses, techs, PTs, Ots, ect. That have worked on me…I think there’s been at least 50! Most have been above average nice! Most of all I want to thank mom & dad for making several trips here from Craig despite their own problems (Granddad has the flu) and taking shifts sleeping on the couch in my room, Wes and Recbecca for spending almost every evening with me and Wes also sleeping on that crappy recliner. Also, I have been blown away by the response of my friends! I have had at least 1 vistor every day and like 12 one day! You have all cared SO much! Thank you for the sweets, the cards, drawings, and even flowers! I can’t describe how seeing you guys has helped me get through this! I was going to list all of you but then I feel like crap if I missed someone! Also, was pretty out of it on pain med a couple of times and some of you didn’t realize you had to stand directly over me for me to see you with this collar on! Oh and last but certainly not least….in fact, first, Thank You Lord, you were with me the whole time reminding me “…that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

Currently listening :
You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby
By Fatboy Slim
Release date: 1998-10-20
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