Abreaction

I think many times when something tragic happens in someone’s life there is this period where they have to face it all alone. There is the initial wave of the shock when the event happens where family & friends are there with you with jaws dropped and hands outstretched to help. But once you’re out of the hospital and it appears you’re OK, family and friends go back to normal life. I’m not saying this a bad thing, it has to happen sooner or later. But the person who went through the tragedy still may have physical set backs or at very least the memories of the event. It’s been one year since my Valentine’s day car wreck, and even Albina who was physically far worse than me, has healed physically. I can’t speak for her, but a year out and I still find myself from time to time trying to grasp what happened. The details, the feeling, the atmosphere, the music of that night are crystal clear to me. Often, at the strangest times I will start thinking of it again. In slow motions I can hear the impact of the van on my tailgate, feel my eyes clench as pebble sized pieces of glass shower us. I can feel the panic as the realization of what happened hits me and the first thing I think of is “Is she OK?” Why write about this? Why bring back the terror? I don’t know…it’s like a catharsis for me, an abreaction. I have a hard time sorting things out lately. Breaking my neck in October only compounded everything. I think about it all over and over. I think hard times make us stronger, but that’s only when you stand up again. I feel like I haven’t really had a chance to catch my breath. I try to look at the big picture, how does this look on the graph of my life? (It was only 4 years ago that a lady pulled out in front of me on Broadway and I T-Boned her totaling my truck-the same week my girlfriend broke up with me) How does this compare to the “average” life of people around me? Many times I fall victim to feeling sorry for myself which I hate. Have these things happened to me because I’m stupid? (No one else would pull over on the shoulder of the Interstate, no 29 year old climbs trees, etc.) I feel like bad luck follows me around (at White Out one of the guys in my cabin’s brother was killed in a car accident that Sunday, my co-counselor’s son got a concussion snowboarding and had/has amnesia) (Not just recently either, in college in one week my bike was stolen, my car’s alternator melted down and I burnt my foot on a cigarette butt) I try to think about ways to salvage good from it all. I want to convey the message that I still believe and trust in God through it all and if you had half paralyzed hands, you mom got cancer and your Grand Dad died all in the same few months, would you still hold on to your faith. But I feel like my shout is but a whisper and in the end I’m just bottling it all up. I don’t want to burden anyone with my troubles, you have enough of your own. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to do anything or say anything. What do I want? I just need some kind of outlet…something that matters. If one person got through their tough time because of what I went through it would feel like there was purpose to all of this. My ultimate catharsis would be influencing someone, changing a life directly because of what I went through. Can I get some good news? Anyone?

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