What happened?

I guess I can safely vent here because I don’t think anyone uses MySpace anymore and if they do, they’re not reading my blog. I can’t believe this,it’s Friday night and I’m sitting her with nothing to do and no one to hang out with. I went from being “in the mix” and knowing “everyone” to being an obscure memory that everyone seems to have forgotten. I guess I’m learning that my popularity has always relied on someone else. Whether it was Benson or Lawrence or someone else. Without them I’m nobody. I’m so fricken sick of being online yet it is THE only way for me to have any clue what anyone is up to…and it hasn’t even helped. How did I go from being so busy and social to being this hermit with no friends?? It’s weird, I actually feel like there’s some rumor going around that I’m a terrible person or something…that’s weird, but it almost seems like people are purposefully staying away from me. The weeks keep passing by so fast and nothing is getting any better. I guess realistically I’m just going through a phase that will cycle through. A lot of my closest friends just got married and a couple have moved away…. I guess too, breaking up with someone can cause a lot of friendships to become awkward… I just feel like since the break up I’ve been in a zombie-land. I walk around and see people everywhere but I don’t know them & it’s like I’m the only living person caught in a netherworld where my own brain is the only thing to talk to. There’s only so much of that you can do before you’re ready to scream out for some attention or real conversation with someone. But I haven’t figured out how & the hell you do that. I’ve been tempted to say something on Facebook a hundred times but fortunetly stopped myself because I know what its like to be on the other end. that person whining sounds really desperate & lame and no really knows how to help you anyway. It’s pointless. So I continue to think it over…and over..and over and over, just bottling this all up. I’ve never been an extreme person, but I feel like maybe this is the point when other people have lost their mind or went crazy & did something terrible. I believe humans were made for contact with others and community and I have learned this CANNOT be achieved online…in fact I think things like Facebook are slowly driving me insane! And I’m running out of time. I’m getting so old and every time the sun goes down I feel that day’s opportunity to meet someone almost literally slip out of my hands. So here I am writing this stupid blog-equally hoping no one ever reads as I am hoping someone will. The worst thing that could happen though, is someone reads it and doesn’t care or understand…or worse they try to help but can’t or do the wrong thing. I know exactly what i want & need to get out of this funk, but its the one thing in life you can just go & make happen or order or just do. It has to “just happen”. And amazingly enough it does just happen to most people, but for some reason it just isn’t happening for me. I have been saying for at least 6 years now that it’s already too late and I can’t let this go on another day. But I have and I will. Years seem to be passing as quickly as a week used to. So many KIDS are getting married it’s driving me crazy. Sure a large part of that is jealousy, but art of me is angry that no one seems to think it through and that’s evidenced in several of my friends ALREADY getting divorced. Crap! Hold on people. Let me catch up first. ANd then there’s the kids….everyone’s having kid and people way younger than me are parents now. I don’t know….I’ll get over this….some time here…soon…


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