Area Man Commits Suicide Because of Onion News – March 16, 2011

Peter Phalten of Ceddar Rapids, TX was found dead by neighbors in his Brinn Street apartment late Tuesday evening. Investigators ruled the death a suicide when a suicide note was confirmed to be his own hand writing. The grim note read as follows:
“Dear friends & family,
I just saw the news on TV of North Korea wiping out all of Asia. This is it, friends…the end of the world. If you haven’t heard, he’s targeting Europe next and all that’s left to stop him is the USA. I can’t live in a world ruled by Kim Jong Ill…see you on the other side.”
It was immediately noted by neighbor Bill Richardson that parody news agency Onion News Network had, moments before, aired the phony news story on cable TV.
Representatives of ONN were not reached.
“This is just such a tragedy,” comments Richardson “I was next door laughing my ass of while Peter was over here drinking a bottle of bleach”.
Phalten is survived by a cat named Dinky (who was lapping the bleach at the scene & may die soon).
Phalten is known to have committed multiple suicides in the Ceddar Rapids area in the last ten years.

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