How to Get the Ghost to Leave You Alone 10-30-09

Some things are very scary: scary movies, scary places (graveyard, cliffs), scary stories,ghosts, demons, aliens, scary music, etc. As a person who thinks a lot (everyday) I try to figure out what makes things scary. And I have decided really it’s just how we perceive it all.
If you are at home alone, in the dark and you hear something, maybe a “bump” in the next room, you might be scared. Don’t be. It is simply your imagination.
“Okay” you say “But I have experienced much freakier things than a ‘bump'”.
“Like what?” I say.
“Like voices. I was in one room and heard whispering and NO ONE was home”
“Okay, well that was a poltergeist,” I say. You needn’t be afraid. Simply show this spook you don’t care. For instance, what if he whispered something like “Kill the cat,” to you. What if you didn’t hear the ghost and you made him repeat himself. He might become a little embarrassed that he’s not scaring you and not enunciating properly.
“Kill the cat” he whispers all creepily.
“What?” you ask.
“Kill the-…oh nevermind,” and then he goes to the neighbor’s house.
Or what about Frank’s situation. One foggy October night, Frankie was home alone in his bed upstairs when a noise startled him awake. He looked to the window where he heard it and saw the silhouette of a person at his second story window on the roof of the front awning. Chills ran down his spine as he reached for a baseball bat and flicked the lights on. There was a dead body but it was moving, or rather being moved like a puppet. It reached out and scratched on the glass.
Frank was about to urinate himself when he suddenly thought, ‘hey, this doesn’t have to be so scary’.
Frank put the bat down and grabbed a can of Mountain Dew. Sliding the window open he asked the corpse “What have you come at such a late hour for? Would you like this Mountain Dew?”
And with that, whatever possessed the dead body was taken off guard. It no longer had any power over frank because he wasn’t afraid.
The body gurgled out something unintelligible. Frank said “Man, I can’t understand you…want to play XBox?”
And so the two of them played Halo until 3:30am when the corpse decided it was time to go back to the graveyard.
How about Roy’s story. After a long day a work he returned to his dark lonely apartment in the city. He prepared some microwave dinner and began eating when a noise the hallway jolted him. He looked back there in the dark to see an apparition standing still staring at him. It was the translucent figure of a woman clothed in 1700 era clothing. She simply said “Roy,”.
Suddenly he knew how to put himself on the offensive. “Yo mama is so ugly she walked into a haunted house and came out with an application”. The specter was either offended or thought it was so funny she had to vanish to laugh at it.
Try Dirk’s method. Once he was the last person cleaning up behind stage after a play. He knew everyone was gone but from the stage he noticed someone moving up an isle toward the back of the the theater. At first he thought someone was sneaking around and he realized they didn’t notice him. He quiet followed the figure and caught up to it. About 5 feet from the person he noticed their feet were moving 10 times faster than their body and in ways that didn’t coordinate with the rest of the body. Dirk knew what he would do. He reach forward and layed his hand on the person’s shoulder and said “BOO!” in the loudest most booming voice he could. It echoed through the theater and startled the ghost. It quickly vanished, probably in embarrassment.
Ghosts can be your friends. Or actually, my point is that you can… no…actually…they won’t laugh, so don’t try telling a joke. Try scaring them… I suggest keeping a large bloody knife near by and practicing how to talk like there are other people in you.
I don’t really know what I’m talking about, I just made all this up.


ha ahahahaha


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