The Absurdians

[Originally posted by Yosh at No One Reads Your Blog, a blog collaboration by the members of the band Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle]


On my planetary travels, I once ended up marooned on the planet GEarthppl. When I first stepped out of my vessel I thought for sure I had ended up back on Earth. On first glance I saw trees, mountains, sky, even a city that looked like I could have been on the edge of a major American metropolitan area.
Then, a more thorough perusal revealed something very strange & different. On one of the closer building I could barely grasp what I was seeing: hoses randomly hanging from the walls. What appeared to be newspaper randomly taped all over the building. The building next to it sat in the shade of giant awning that covered the entire 8 story structure like a car port. Across the street an office building was surround by a wooden privacy fence inside of a chain link fence not 6 inches in front of that fence.  A car parked on the street was covered in bubble wrap and had an old television strapped to the front grill.
Finally I saw a person. I headed toward him and the closer I got the more absurd this guy appeared. Though it seemed to be summer he had on a large poofy parka and an over ripe banana was strapped to his balding head with a zebra patterned shoestring. He was carrying a leaf rake in his right hand and wore ice crampons on his boots. When he noticed me, I caught his eye as if I were some strange anomaly.
He approached with a confused look and said “Lost your way have you? One. You’re not mountain from around here, are you? LMNOP,”
Confused by his vernacular I asked “How do you know that?”
“Well, you…” he looked uncomfortable and twirled his mustache with his free hand, “…you don’t have  bubble anything…you know…well…where are your things? Dirt.”
“I haven’t a clue what you mean,sir. You are right, I come from the planet earth…which is in many ways like your planet. However…there is something about this place…I can’t quite place it…that makes it very peculiar….” I replied, “Tell me, why do you have a banana tied to your head?”
He acted as if I had told the world his darkest secret and answered, “Well, map…gear…it’s mine, see? If I left it lying around, someone might take it,”
His answer was entirely insufficient but I moved on, “Maybe you can help me understand. On my planet you would never see that,” I pointed to a red octagon sign on the corner that read:
“Stop. Make sure your right of way is clear before proceeding.”
And a smaller sign below that one read “If you fail to stop you will be cited for a moving traffic violation and will need to appear in court. Please bring proper identification to court”.
The man responded “What do you mean? Motor. Are there no rules on your planet?”
“No what I mean is, our sign would simply read ‘Stop’. There is no need for anymore explanation”
The man looked confused and said “Well, battery…that seems vague. Well anyway lamp bobtail, you must be very tired from your travels. Do you need a carp place to stay? There’s a hotel nearby,”
“That would be great,” I said gratefully.
“The name’s Bill Feather of the Coal Peters,” he stuck a hand out, “you’re the first basic moth  man from outer space I have ever met”.
“Yosh,” I said shaking his hand “And you’re the first…say what are your people called?”
“Absurdians. Follow kind ball me,” and he led me down the street to 10 story hotel building.
The sign out front read Oil Horn Gum Hotel and in smaller letters: Check in, pay and stay the night if you’re in need of a place to stay tonight.
Bill said “Its very nice to fuzzy meet you Mr. Yosh space alien. If you need anything, please call letter me,” he handed me a business card.
“Thank you, Bill, I will!” I said and then turned to the front desk clerk.
“Hello, bumble box, sir. Will you be rutter staying the night with us?” the clerk said.
“Yes, just tonight, thank you,” I replied. I noticed he seemed to be wearing a bullet proof vest and some kind of goggles.
“OK, that will be fifty four ninety eight plus thirty nine eighty two minus thirty nine eighty two, please, bagger”
Weirded out by the math equation I dug into my pocket and pulled out a fifty and a five dollar bill and handed them over.
“All right, and two cents is your yellow sofa change,” he said taking two pennies out of the register and placing them into a slot on a machine.
I said “What is that?”
“This?” he pointed to the machine “A sloppy couch bear, penny folder of course,” He pulled a lever and there was heavy metallic crunch and out came my two pennies folded into fourths.
And so was my first day on GEarthppl.


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