[Originally posted by Yosh at No One Reads Your Blog, a blog collaboration by the members of the band Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle]
I got to thinking I am a little reticent about having kids and so I tried to come up with why. I think my biggest fear is: What if I have a stupid child? No, I don’t mean a mentally handicapped kid, I mean, just a stupid kid.
Like what if he does everything that annoys me? What if he chews with his mouth open? What if he wears stupid clothes with high-water jeans & un-matching socks with holes in the toes? What if he doesn’t take showers & always stinks? What if he says stupid things all the time? (Like “Dad, I don’t want to go school, I just want to be a rockstar”) What if he’s lazy & only plays video games? What if he has a snotty nose & rubs it on his sleeve? & then sometimes when you give him a hug he gets boogers on you? What if sometimes he just stands there in the front yard picking his nose & when he realizes you’re staring at him, he just turns around & gives you “stank eye”? What if whenever he talks, he has a snot bubble in his throat & won’t clear it? What if he does clear it but all the fricken time & really loudly? What if he tells all my friends secret things that his mother & I talk about in private? What if his boogers are green? What if he’s always farting in public?
I wouldn’t hate this child, I would just have disdain for him.
What if he had stupid ideas on foreign policy? What if he likes reality TV? What if he can’t make a Free Throw? What if he spits into the wind or always pees uphill? What if he gets all of his knowledge from Wikipedia? What if he puts his underwear on backwards sometimes, even when he’s in middle school? What if he only does band in school & doesn’t go out for any sports?
You see, I have some legitimate concerns. Nobody can guarantee you get a cool kid & this is why I may not have children.