The rain poured down hard outside as I sat down for lunch in the staff kitchen & Jon came in and told me the developing story of the bombing at the Boston Marathon. Things like that have a way of casting a shadow on a day. As if life wasn’t ominous and foreboding enough, some moron’s gotta go and blow people up. Idiot.
Spring is my favorite season, but with it comes responsibility – especially now that I’m a homeowner. Like mowing the grass for instance which is impossible for me right now because my mower is in pieces in the garage. The problem seemed simple, but led to other problems. Still something I should be able to repair pretty quickly and easily. Without getting into too many boring details, I have to take apart the housing every time I want to try something and so it is extra disappointing when I get it all put back together and it still doesn’t work. I got the tension spring rewound with the rope around the pulley, everything put back together, primed it and pulled. Nothing. Pulled 5 more times & heard the piston try to fire. I pulled 10 more times, nothing. As time ran out I had to admit defeat yet again. I had to hurry up & make dinner to get over to my brother’s by 8 (If I make it earlier than that I can see my nephew before he goes to bed). As I try to hold my household together alone I can’t help but think having a partner…a helper….would oil the machine just a tiny bit. I promise I don’t think marriage would solve all my problems…there would just be someone in the house when I came in to express my frustration to…instead of the echoing, uncaring walls. Maybe she’d be making dinner so I wouldn’t have to handle my food with greasy hands?
I hurried over to my brother’s where I heard my nephew yacking while he’s supposed to be sleeping. Halfway through our movie, my sister-in-law came home and gave him a kiss. I know their lives aren’t perfect…just…right…ya know? As I leave I kind of feel like the grasshopper in the 1934 Disney cartoon “The Grasshopper & the Ants” when winter comes and he’s left out side looking in on the ants that are all warm & cozy inside. I drive my truck with engine light on, a problem I haven’t been able to trace yet after replacing the fuel filter & cleaning the mass airflow sensor, back to my dark and empty home. I open the garage door and the light doesn’t come on again…I thought I had fixed that by taking apart the garage door motor housing & fiddling with light bulb wires and then tightening the bracket that it hangs from. As I get out of my truck I hear a drip in a pan under my water heater that has been leaking. I go inside passed the less-than-one-year-old vacuum that just stopped working the other night. The back yard is torn up where I have been digging up roots from the trees so I can rototill and plant grass. I’m exhausted from…just life. When there is no one to keep up on all these repairs for (except myself), motivation is at an extreme low.
With water falling from the skies and forlorn eyes, I go to bed where I have been having a hard time sleeping lately. 34 keeps resounding in my head. 34….34…..35’s coming fast. I’m not just 30…I’m in my MID 30’s. I roll around trying ignore my anxiety & my rapidly beating heart. I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack. Finally I’m asleep, but who knows for how long when I’m woke by this nightmare.
There was so much to this dream that has faded already. All I remember though is this…alarm clock…it was like an old analog clock and it woke me up in my bed (my room seemed normal, although instead of being in my house it was in either a larger house or an apartment building?) The clock was like back lit by a cobalt blue light with…I don’t know…glowing red hands? It was ringing loudly and for some reason it sort of through me into a panic. There was more to it…like there was a spirit in it and it was hissing/breathing heavily or something. It’s so hard to recount now. I woke up with my heart racing.
Later in the night I was awakened by another dream. Finally I slept a while but was awakened at 4:30am by someone warming up their giant diesel somewhere in the neighborhood.
Last week I sent out an entirely over-thought message in a bottle not knowing at all what the response might be.
Today the clouds aren’t as ominous. I’m reminded that there *is* sun up there above them.