It’s weird how you can have so many friends yet walk through an entire day utterly alone. Yesterday after work I went to a gym, then to the store for groceries. I was in the check out line wondering why/how am I so alone? I mean I go through periods of time when I am surrounded by people but it seems there is a gravity always pulling me toward loneliness.
Every time I start thinking this way though, the Lord says in His still small voice, “No, you are not alone. I am here with you,”. That’s not usually what I want to hear. I want Him to push me out of this empty eddy and back into a stream. So I usually don’t listen to Him. But for some reason it hit me last night-it doesn’t matter whether I spend the rest of my life being lonely if I just focus on the things of the Lord.
I wrote about this before, about how focusing on things other than yourself fixes the problem of not liking yourself. I am constantly looking at other people and comparing myself. What am I doing wrong? What choices have I made that have put me here? Is it money? I have chosen to be a graphic artist, not a doctor, lawyer or even construction worker. Would people like to be around me more if I spent more time working out, if I had newer and bigger truck, if I owned a house, if I had in my past prison time or drugs? Of course not. What if I had a college degree, no debt, worked a job I was passionate about, led a Bible study, desired to help people, gave money to all kinds of causes, went to church, threw parties at my house? No. It must be these things I cannot change, the way I look, my balding head, my age, my reserved personality, bad posture. Maybe, but I’ve seen much worse people who aren’t in this “eddy”.
Then in that check out line God was saying “Look at what you’re comparing yourself to. I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is if you desire to follow me. I will give you the desires of your heart. You don’t need to care what the world thinks, because you will never impress them.” Suddenly, even in my imperfection, I felt accepted and legitimate.
I went home to an empty house and made dinner…something called Scalloped Corn with my new Mae CD playing in the background. I love how music fills an empty house. Then I read my Encyclopedia of Rock. I read about Micheal Jackson and Madonna. And I wonder how pop stars get so big, how do they sell so many albums? Jacko’s Thriller sold I think 48 Million. I think it was/is a record. How is it they hit on something SO MANY people like? Every time I have a BBQ or party, no matter what music I play, someone complains about it. I enjoy an incredibly diverse selection of music, yet I still can’t figure out how to keep the masses happy.
I listened to the new Smashing Pumpkins-Zeitgeist. I heard Billy Corgan got saved. I am thrilled. Someone who played part of the soundtrack to my life is someone I will see in heaven. Then I payed some bills. Then the darkness came. It hits you hardest when you’re alone. It coerced me dammit.