Feeling like you’re really somewhere else is escape.
That’s why people do drugs, right? Because drugs offer a quick & easy divorce from the responsibility we have to face our tragic, and sometimes worse, utterly mundane reality.
What I’m finding to be extremely difficult right now is that what I have found to be my escape is what is seemingly pulling me toward that which has made my reality an almost hellish experience.
On a side note: I know calling my situation “hell” is a bit extreme. In fact, every time I think that I remind myself of people who really really have it bad. I do think, though, its not really fair for us to make that comparison to our situation (like when you haven’t eaten all day and you say “I’m starving” and then remember there really are people in the world who are starving) The reason it is unfair to ourselves is because it trivializes how we are actually feeling. On the one hand, yes, I should always fully realize that others have it far worse than I do in every way imaginable. But on the other hand, I am (& you are) experiencing difficult times that may be some of the worst in life and that shouldn’t be minimized.
Anyway, what has been an intense battle for me has been an increasing alienation I feel that I think is brought on by an ever deepening self actualization, or coming to more and more know who I am. There are many directions from which I have come to arrive at what I now know. A few of them include personality tests, recognizing kindred spirits, identifying with personality types, etc.
An example of a personality test is the Beaver, Lion, Otter, Goden Retriever test. I’ve noticed on these types of tests I usually score mid-range across the board which says something in & of itself. On this particular test I am slightly higher in Golden Retriever (which is described: Good at making friends. Very loyal. Retriever personalities do not like big changes.They look for security. Can be very sensitive.Very caring. Has deep relationships, but usually only a couple of close friends. Wants to be loved by everyone. Looks for appreciation. Works best in a limited situation with a steady work pattern.) and Beaver (which is described: Organized. Beavers think that there is a right way to do everything and they want to do it exact that way. Beaver personalities are very creative. They desire to solve everything. Desire to take their time and do it right. Beavers do not like sudden changes. They need reassurance.)
There is the right-brain/left-brain assessment in which I identify very much with the right-brained thinkers (although I maintain that everyone operates in both areas, just leaning to one side more than the other. In case you aren’t familiar, it goes: logical, methodical and analytical people are left-brain dominant, while the creative and artistic types are right-brain dominant. (I’m aware that there is scientific data arguing this stuff is bunk but whether science backs up the link to brain activity or not, the personality types are self evident)
Another area of self-identification is the extrovert vs. introvert discussion. Again, I think we all oscillate between sides, but I find myself aligning much more on the side of introversion.
The dichotomy comes when these my personality traits pull me away from people. This may at first seem like a violation of my self-proclaimed introversion, but let me explain. The word “introvert” might bring to mind a hermit, but the more I have read about it, the more I see what it means. I don’t think anyone really likes to be alone – it’s just how we interact with people. When I’m working on something I find a hard time concentrating if someone is standing there talking to me & so I’m far more productive when I’m alone. But then I’ve found the loneliness make sit hard for me to even sit still.
(to be continued)