Current mood: cold
Do you ever have days when you feel like nothing means anything? Like Solomon said “Everything is meaningless”. I feel at times like my friendships are fragile and one group of people I’m hanging out with today will be bored and leave the next day. A lack of response to postings >>deAd<< I feel like everything I do is in vain. At one time I thought the Vox was an awesome creative outline and now I feel like it’s just a piece of trash for people to prop up the short leg on their table. I feel like I’m running all the time to make sure I’m taking in as well as giving out but in the mean time I’m neglecting my talent. I know I’m not putting enough faith in God and I feel too tired to give more. Encouragement acts as a billows on a fire, giving new strength, but not long after its blow the fire comes down again. If only encouragement came more often.
Last night at The Door, Paul talked about the marriage relationship. He said man is not complete without woman; indeed the Bible says it is not good for man to be a alone (Gen. 2), and that she is his helper, councilor, comforter, etc. So then what is a single guy left with? If it is God’s plan for me to be alone, I havn’t a peace about it. Anyway-that’s a tangent. I have had encouragement, but it just doesn’t seem to last. I’m talking more specifically with my comic strip. The realist has to think the lack of encouragement is a natural sign that it just isn’t working. It’s not funny. (I could agree with that) So what now? After hours, days and weeks spent sketching ideas, penciling to Bristol, inking and finishing up, scanning and posting – did I simply go too far down the wrong fork in the road? I once had a mission – I was going to learn how to do it right – I was going to get syndicated. So what happened? Well – discouragement….should I keep sending these strips off when I don’t even feel like they’re funny myself.
It’s cold again. Maybe it’s the cold, maybe there’s no grease in my gears. I have a drive to create. I want to make songs, I want to play my drums, play my guitar. I want to make movies, animations. There is so much crap rollicking in my head in a temultuous storm. I want to write. There is no time and what’s worse, there is no audience. (Not completely-there has from time to time a person to flip through my sketch book and say –This is cool, you should be a children’s book illustrator! And I’d love to…)
In giving a couple of friends a ride home last night I discovered an expectation in my mind….something like – what’s in it for me? Maybe this will be an opportunity for them to know me better and introduce me to a girl my age…maybe they will like me more and need my friendship….What? Why can’t I just give them a ride because they need it? Hmm, maybe it’s just knowing after I drop them off, I’m driving home and nothing is going to happen [tonight]. Today is a dead end – no possibility for opportunity. I’m tired of the “glass wall” I talked about in a blog last summer. I’m tired the same old “same old” yet I have a death grip on it. I don’t want to leave my friends and so I hang around wearing out my welcome until they leave me. I’m tired of ordering a beer just to hold my seat so I can be social. I like coffee at obscure diners. I like telling and hearing stories. I hate when the bar/restaurant turns up the music so loud you have to yell to the person 2 feet away.
Why, even after knowing God wants an intimate relationship, do I still forget Him? And slap in Him in the face with my doubt and unbelief? Tonight I hope more than 3 people show up. But then again, if no one shows up I won’t have to do it-this thing I have taken on. It’s already brought stress on me – commitment. I have never really been a leader…people seem to be perfectly happy not following me – so what do I expect taking this leadership position? Well, I hope humbly I can facilitate the Gospel. OK, this was a HUGE rambling and I should be working….
Currently Listening : Pure Moods By Jean Michele Jarr