Giant Mantis Challenges You to Hoops

Late Monday afternoon a giant praying mantis was seen on the court challenging kids to some one on one b-ball. It was reported that his trash talk was much bigger than his game.

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You should charge a toll I drive by you so much!
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Yo foo, they call me bus driver ’cause I’m always takin’ kids to school!
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Don’t apologize, son – you’re game is sorry enough!

8 Things Only JWU Fans Understand

5 sides JWU

The Jake Wilkinson’s Unicycle fan (a.k.a. WUbot) is a special breed of person. They’re that post-hipster, thinking individual, eclectic in all areas of life, but most especially in their musical tastes. They blog about world events and politics, they enjoy blue-grass music one minute and industrial metal the next, their sense of humor reaches from Weird Al style parody to British comedy ala “Look Around You”. You will find them among the artsy kids doing photography one day, but out panning for gold the next. They may be a spokesman for the School District that shreds BB King blues riffs or Treky Sci-Fi nerds. They enjoy dark beer and soccer or they work for the fire department. Basically, they’re the most awesomest people.

Here are 8 things that only a JWU fan gets:

1. Sunsets.

Wow. Look at that sunset.
Wow. Look at that sunset.

2. This. Amma right?!

Happens every time!
Happens every time!

3. Because there’s nothing like eating a hotdog.

gourmet-hot-dogs

4. Intense sleeping.

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5. Sore muscles from working out.

Sika_deer_japanese_deer

 

 

6. Because you can actually see the stars.

I can see Orion's Belt! or is that the Big Dipper?
I can see Orion’s Belt! or is that the Big Dipper?

 

 

7. The red, white and blue.

Old Glory
Old Glory

 

 

8. How to really love.

Hi Grandma!
Hi Grandma!

 

 

Area Man Breaks Pinterest

It was discovered early Monday morning that the popular social networking site, Pinterest, was down for maintenance. Pinterest IT were on the problem immediately and soon discovered the cause: Zack Engle. Technicians first realized their servers were overheating and when they monitored previous activity on the sight it was quickly evident that one user was uploading far too much content and of the wrong nature.

“I think most people are aware of the more feminine nature of Pinterest,” commented Micheal Benning, an Internet Technician that works with companies like Pinterest, “We saw this guy was just dumping hundreds and hundreds of pictures of guns and motorcycles, his favorite football players, engine rebuild DIYs, bikini models, his favorite micro-brews, etc.”

When asked how he managed to “break” Pinterest, Zack said “I don’t know, I guess I didn’t really understand it…like a lot of girly things its kind of fragile and maybe I had no business toying with it…”

blLmMBenning says after Zack was contacted and notified of what he was doing he stopped. “The servers were allowed to cool and the site is back up.”

 

Area Man’s Lucky Shirt Compels Seahawks to Win Super Bowl

jpeg Matt Roberts has been a Seahawks fan for as long as he can remember, and now Seattle’s NFL representation, as well as the world’s Seahwaks fans, should get to know Matt. Why? Matt claims to be the reason for the big win over the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XLVIII on Sunday, February 2, 2014.

“I knew it, I knew it I knew it! It was this jersey,” exclaimed Matt as he pointed to his #12 jersey. The “12” represents Seattle’s “12th Man”, which refers to the fans who’s cheering through the 2013/14 season was measured to be the loudest in the NFL.

“I mean, if you think it about it, we the fans are already considered part of the team…you know the 12th man,” he said. It is noted that crowd noise can sufficiently disrupt an opponent and is part of the advantage of playing at home.

“I have all kinds of ‘Hawks t-shirts, hats, sweatshirts, jackets, pants, shoes…but I have noticed this season that when I wear my 12th man shirt, we win! Well…maybe not always…sometimes we just make big plays when I have the shirt on!” Roberts explained excitedly.

When asked if he actually believed his shirt had to do with the Super Bowl blowout, Matt said “Absolutely. Yeah, its my shirt and I will be wearing it all next season…probably everyday!”

WiFi Mind Reading

It hit me like a ton of bricks the other night as I leaned over the bar sipping my Coors Light.

“The gumment’s reading our minds, man,” I said to my buddy who stood to my right thumbing through texts and Facebook posts on his iPhone.

“Psh,” he says to me, “No they’re not!”

“Sure they are, dude…you’re getting WiFi right now, right? All this detailed information is being passed through the air to & from your phone, right? So think about this, man: Our brains send out waves according to our thoughts (in AM & FM radio waves among others). So what they do, is the send a certain signal out over WiFi that’s….well its like this,” I set my beer on the bar and used my hands to simulate water flowing down a stream.

“My beer is like a rock in a stream and the water flows around it… So this WiFi signal parts around the brainwaves you’re emitting. When they receive that signal right back (its probably just emailed right to them)  they get a wave pattern, the inverse of which it the exact pattern coming from your brain, dude. Yeah…there they have it! When they decode it, they know exactly what your thinking! They can play those waves like grooves on a record bro!”

So I don’t know what this means except that we need to either cover our phones in tin foil, or wrap our heads in it… I dunno…I think it could be a new trend in head gear fashion….

An Open Letter to William P. Doughenbough

Dear Willy,

Long time no talk! I was going through some old photos and saw you in the background that one time we camping at Bear Lake and Rob got stupid drunk & put that squirrel suit on was jumping in the fire! Hahaha…he still has 3rd degree burns. Remember you & me was tryin’ to get the suit off but it just melted to his skin! HA!

Well anyway, how ya been? Still in New Mexico? Did you ever find that midget woman that ran off with your briefcase in Las Vegas after the National Clown Convention?

Things are good here. I’m still trying for the “thing” we talked about, haha. Another few paychecks &; I’ll be able to get enough gasoline, rope and bologna. However I will probably need to take a loan out for the bus and all the bubble wrap we’re gonna need. Did I tell you? Yeah we’re probably gonna have to get 2 tons of bubble wrap and bologna.

Well, write me back when you can. I know they don’t give you much break time in the dog food industry, but maybe one night when you’re not at Bula’s Big Beautiful Brothel or whatever that bar is, you can write back!

 

~Yosh

News Points this April 5th Day of 2013

Children with RSV urged to add a “P”

Kids suffering with this respiratory tract infection are said to feel much better if they would just “répondez s’il vous plaît” “Please Respond” to an invitation.

Gun Control Bills in Congress

Lawmakers are trying to get stricter gun control measures set in place. It’s not clear what proponents of gun control expect these measures to accomplish in deterring gun violence. Perhaps some sort of “Cruise Control” mechanism that helps an inanimate object decide when a gun is being used improperly?

North Korea Suffers from “Napoleon Syndrome”

Taking from his father’s genes, Kim Jong Un has exhibited behaviors of men suffering from “Napoleon” or “Little Man” Syndrome. The psychological state refers to men, small in stature, trying to compensate for their smallness by acting in overly aggressive ways and making threats on much larger men they feel threatened by.

Recent statements by the North Korean government show a leader that feels threatened by his severe military inferiority trying to compensate by making threats to a country who, in response, could accidentally leave the North Korean nation a smoldering pile of debris.

Residents of Baghdad, Iraq have been seen making a “No no no, what the hell are you doing?” gesture toward North Korea.

When the U.S. was asked if they are concerned with North Korea’s threats, their response after a second of preoccupation with Afghanistan was “North Who? Oh, yeah yeah, them. Um…tell him I’m in a meeting & will get back to him when I can. For now tell her I have enough thin mints, thank you very much.”

22 Things of Successful People

Originally at No One Reads Your Blog

1. Eat folic acid.

Successful people eat lots of B9 to repair DNA. Broken DNA = cancer. If it tastes bad, eat with a spoonful of sugar.

 

2. Organize your sock drawer.

It’s called Feng Shui, look it up. Having dress socks invade the space of athletic socks will make your brain feel “off” all day.

 

3. Run with scissors.

That’s right I said it. This dangerous situation will elevate adrenaline levels & make you feel unstoppable.

 

4. Don’t do drugs.

It’s been proven that drugs like crack cocaine, heroine, meth, tylenol and pot cause things to happen in the brain leading to a life in the ghetto and using robbery to gain things and money.

 

5. Masticate.

Your stomach will thank you for thoroughly chewed food.

 

6. Don’t let go.

I heard this in a Weezer song. If someone has made you mad, there’s a reason for it & you won’t feel closure until you’ve gotten revenge.

 

7. Compliment people.

Especially people that are ugly or stupid. It will be hard but find something to compliment. Maybe the way they look- OK then you’d be lying. Don’t lie. Maybe tell them they worded that last phrase nicely…well, I don’t know…stop looking at me.

 

8. Always look at the bright side of life.

Monty Python told us this and you know, he was right. After I totaled my Honda in a horrific accident one year, I immediately thought “That fool’s insurance just bought me a new truck! Woo hoo!”

 

9. Umm… well OK, just 9 things….

 

The Two Party System is Flawed

I’m not schooled enough to know how the two distinct parties formed, but anyone can tell that today there is an unprecedented divergence the two main parties. The biggest flaw is how much they have become opposed to each other.

The different parties are best described as “Birthday Party” and “Alcohol Party”. In the former party these other such parties fit: “Pajama Parties”, “Kid’s Parties”, etc. In the latter we have “Dance Parties” & “House Parties”.

The flaw becomes apparent when you say to your parents “I’m going to a party tonight” and they look at you with consternation. You must clarify “Oh! I meant, a birthday party!” Suddenly their minds are filled with images of cakes, candles & jovial friends. The other kind of party could be nothing but immorality: drugs, alcohol abuse, broken furniture, vomit, gangsta rap and/or sex.

Guns

Guns. I have them and I’m afraid to admit it. Why? Because although the CONSTITUTION (A book of light suggestions from a group of people who had some minor part in forming the USA or something) says we have a right to bare arms, I’m afraid that even writing this post has flagged me in an FBI database as having arms!

Like many Americans I have at least 2. They are both VERY powerful and capable of lots of damage and yes, even death! (Even though they aren’t labeled “Assault Weapons”)  The key, though is using them ONLY in self defense or maybe sport. Also key is knowing how to correctly use them.

I dread the day when the gov’t will crack down once again, this time on ALL arms, and come to take MY guns. It’s about rights, people. Rights and FREEDOM.

So from now on I’m going to be a little quieter about my arms. No more gun shows (Sorry ladies). I don’t know what the big deal is between just having arms and baring arms? But yes, from time to time I have gone around with a sleeveless shirt and exercised my right to bare arms. Suck it, fascist government!